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Get Published on Female First
Some fairy tales can be really quite dreadful,
Yet parents still read them to kids by the bedfull;
Young Goldilocks should by rights be in jail
But gets off scott free in the usual tale.
Jack And The Beanstalk, now there's another:
He robs and he kills, and then lives with his mother,
(In my opinion, he had a complex
Not unlike that of poor Oedipus Rex.)
Little Red Riding Hood loses her gran,
Then sees a wolf killed by a crazy axe-man;
The story of Bluebeard is more like a thriller,
The world's only fairy-tale serial killer.
But in my opinion the worst of them all
Are Hansel and Gretel: they really appall.
How would you feel if your gingerbread house
Was munched half away by some fat little louse?
How would you feel if some little snot
Sat there and rudely just gobbled the lot?
I tell you, I would be pretty annoyed,
At seeing my beautiful home half-destroyed.
I think it rather a lenient sentence,
To lock up young Hansel until his repentance;
And as for young Gretel, community service
Of having to clean, wipe and dust every surface,
Is not all that bad: at least they'd survive,
Red Riding Hood's granny was eaten alive!
But Gretel was such a delinquent young brat,
She set up a horribly murderous trap:
While baking muffins and cakes by the dozen
She shoved the poor jailor deep into the oven,
She turned up the heat, right up to full whack,
(Myself, I'd have given her a good solid smack.)
Then ran straight back home with her brother in tow;
After all, there was nowhere else they could go.
But they lived on happily without a care,
(The poor woman roasted: past medium rare).
And what is the moral of this heap of dung?
Murder's no crime if you're pretty and young.