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This is a place I don’t feel alone.
This is a place I feel alone.
…….. Yes. No. Run. Don’t. Go!
Silence… Tick-Tock. Faster. Slower. Time runs (not). No time lost. No time found. No time left at all. Horizons- empty. Sky- drowned in lethal hopes. Waiting. Forever. Eternity. Dreaming (or maybe not?). Reality (doomed). Crux. To live? Yes. No. To die? No. Yes. Past memories. Action. Motion. Inaction. Stillness. Lull(aby). Scream. Cry. Laugh. Reminiscing while forgetting the past… and possessions… and stolen moments. As your skin starts “fading”, “shrinking”, rip your heart out. Smash it. Splash the blood, for you have no longer a reason to justify your pathetic existence. True. False. Stop… Pause. It begins where it ends. Read between the lines. Goodbye.
The tone is recognized. It speaks to me. That voice lurks, always seeks. It is after me. It scratches. It delves into the walls of my mind, shapes words of abandonment and evokes ineradicable fear. I feel all this as an inner viral infection of my brain… as a disease which unmercifully tries to kill me. So far, it has been doing it wholly successful. I am terribly afraid, weak, constrained from my abilities to handle this. Obsession… I lie down. I write as my eyes uncontrollably move around the room. Am I lost? I search… I search for the worst. I am so pitiable. Are you? I freeze. Is it already here? Is it? The voice. The voice… Echo. No reply. Are you leaving…? Stay. I try to focus in the cold light of the day. Yet, it is so difficult. I am alone. I simultaneously appear and disappear… I die. Do you? Not literally.
Addiction is the key. It is not interchangeable… it is everlasting. Bizarre. Temporally satisfying. This is the feeling that tickles your human senses and needs. Consequently, you want more. And more… More… Echo. Addiction… Sometimes it dims. Never! Suffocation. Then, here comes the funny part. The less you get, the more you need it. A ridiculous paradox. Yet, so real. Drugs… Do you have a choice? Can u run away? Can you escape? Yes. No. Confusion fogs up your thoughts. And you sink, torn apart between two ambiguous states of the mind. You are conscious and unconscious at the same time… Sleeping while being awake. Awake while sleeping. No. Yes!
Denial overshadows your soberness. You sit in the room, drenched in your own darkness. Waiting(still). Feeling (partially). Remembering. Something… Suddenly you question yourself: ‘Would I sacrifice my life, since it is the only thing I possess? Does this matter? Or is it, in fact, this entity which is absolutely insignificant?’ The world spins. You spin. Everything spins. You fall… Nothing else falls. You’re alone… Walking. Slowly. Madly. You pass the rest. You blink, but you see nothing. Black. Blind. Emptiness. Chaos. Becoming slightly insane? You fail the test. Was it that difficult to resist…?
I struggle. No. Yes! You can never know. They know (not) if you either stay or go. Panic! Get out of my head!
In the cold light of the day you catch a glimpse of your life. For the last time? Then you stop writing.Goodbye. You are high… In vain?No. No. You stare… About an hour or two (at your shadow). A severe despair, pointed with no sense. Maybe this is what will remain? You take all that you can. My heroine. Hello again. Follows overdose…