The Exclusives , a psychological suspense set in an all girls' boarding school, is out now in ebook and April 2016 in paperback.
The Exclusives
F eeling undervalued: Time and effort being the big ones. Sometimes, it's done on purpose: one of my friends does something called the 'fudge and drift' , where she makes endless excuses not to see someone, hoping the other party will eventually get the message. Although this takes a fair bit of mental energy to execute it saves the dreaded: 'What have I done wrong', 'It's not you, it's me,' conversation.
Frenemy Undermining: This usually happens when someone's in a happier, better place, or has achieved something the other wants to. Like weight loss. An example - the statement: 'You've lost weight' without any added comment implies any number of negative things. Here's a great piece by Viv Groskop about what to say when a friend has lost weight. Also applies to haircuts, clothes, life choices and everything else, really.
Harbouring a grudge: Long-term memory can be the enemy here. When every injustice, or any perceived wrong-doings are firmly splintered into someone's mind, it can be the death-knell of any friendship. Said something that was meant as a joke when you were teenagers? Be careful, it might be used against you, decades down the line.
Passive aggressive friends: Katty Kay and Claire Shipman write in their book, The Confidence Code, about how parts (the amygdalae) of women's brains are triggered to respond to emotion more easily than men's. It might also be why female friendships can often be hallmarked by passive aggressive behavior because everything turns into an emotional obstacle. Transmitting a message that you aren't happy with something without being open about it, also means you can't be judged for behaving badly. Silent recriminations and loaded responses? The ultimate in toxicity.
When you don't get on with your friends' other halves/ stealing boyfriends flirting: This is often made worse when one friend refuses to go anywhere without their other halves. Or, if another half fancies a friend, or it's perceived that they do, the primal jealousy kicks in.
O ne friend demands too much from the other. This is often to do with emotional support - when one friend is expected to pick up the pieces of a negative life-changing event, one too many times. Although, swings and roundabouts often applies to this one.
Judgement - Being judged on everything you say, do or wear makes for a very claustrophobic friendship. Got drunk one night and pulled off your bra on the dancefloor? Your alconoia is probably bad enough already, without a raised eyebrow from a friend. And the worst - those who cover judgement with kindness.
Money: One person has a lot more or less money than the other one and it starts to become an issue. This often kick-starts in the thirties, when careers are getting more settled. One friend starts going to expensive restaurants and luxury holidays and so sees less of the other friend. Cue: one feels rubbish about not being able to keep up, the other overcompensates, or even worse, doesn't notice.
Difference in lifestyle: One person gets married and has three kids and the other one is travelling alone around the world. Often exacerbated by social media posts and the passive aggressive, 'not liking' a friend's status.
Change in Dynamic: Friendships are often based on common ground: unhappiness in career, boyfriend difficulties etc. When that changes, both sides often find it very difficult to cope with.