1) Wake up
Ed Night by Steve Ullathorne
2) Get off the sofa
3) Remember that you can't go 30 minutes without checking all your social media apps
4) Check all your social media apps and reply to every message you got during the night with the 100 emoji
5) Clean up
6) Leave the flat, get some breakfast (read: a Yazoo and some fags)
7) Spend about 5 minutes in the shop trying to figure out which flavour Yazoo is the healthiest. Choose banana
8) Walk to the venue to meet your mate with the flyers, grunt once at each other then don't speak until after the show
9) Do some wicked flyering (tip: for the authentic Ed Night experience, make sure you wiggle the flyers in pedestrians' faces while singing "Dyou wanna be in my show, my show, my show" to the tune of "I'm the Leader Of The Gang (I Am!)" by Gary Glitter)
10) Do your show, trying your best to be heard over the clinking of ice and the glass washing machine at the bar
11) Tell yourself it was the crowd and not you
12) Go to the cafe next door to divvy up the bucket (tip: make sure you do it so you can lump your mate with all the 1ps)
13) Go the pub
14) TELL YOURSELF IT WAS THE CROWD AND NOT YOU
15) Go home
16) Go sleep
17) Rinse and repeat til you're on Live at the Apollo
See Ed Night: I'm Amazed It Has A Title at the Gilded Balloon @ Counting House Attic 3rd-28th August, 5.30pm. For tickets visit www.edfringe.com
Tagged in Edinburgh Festival Fringe