Susannah Lawson, co-author of The Stress Cure shares her tips for turning negative beliefs into positive ones.
Susannah Lawson
1. Take responsibility. According to Shakespeare, 'There's nothing good or bad but thinking make it so' (Hamlet). He, like many great writers and philosophers through the ages, was making the point that it's not necessarily the events we encounter that create negativity - but rather what we believe about them. So next time you feel bad about something, instead of blaming the situation or person concerned, ask yourself, 'Why do I feel this way'?
2. Dig into your unconscious. Often, these beliefs are buried deep inside, so it can take time to uncover them. One way to tease them out is by seeing if the following cues prompt a response: 'I must...', 'I should...', or 'I always...' For example, 'I must not make a mistake', 'I should be in control of my children', or 'I always get things wrong'.
3. Get a reality check. Once you've uncovered an underlying belief, check it out. For example, you may feel devastated every time you have a disagreement with your partner, and you realise it's because you believe that only people in bad relationships argue. Or you believe that you have to be perfect to be loved. So ask yourself:
• Is it logical (ie does it makes sense, or is it true)?
• Is it realistic (ie are my expectations of myself or others fair)?
• What evidence do I have for this belief?
• Is it helpful to me?
4. Work it through. Sometimes working through this process can be difficult to do in your head, so give yourself some time and work it through on paper. If you find this challenging, seek some help from a trusted friend or colleague who you know can be impartial.
5. Find a more effective approach. Once you've established that the root to a negative belief is not true or helpful, then put your mind to finding a more effective way of approaching similar situations. Ask yourself, 'What would be a more supportive way to approach this type of situation in order to achieve a more positive outcome?' Again, ask for help if you're struggling. Write down your ideas and keep them to hand so next time you find yourself triggered by a similar event, you can refer to these to help you reframe it.
6. Give it time. Remember, it takes years to develop a negative mindset, so making changes that help you adopt a more positive one can take time. Persist and revisit this exercise as often as you need to.
7. Focus on the positive. When you're trapped in a cycle of negative thinking, it can be hard to break. So instead focus on activities that help your brain get used to more positive ways of thinking. For example, at the end of each day, find five things to count your blessings for. Or start a Gratitude Journal, where every day you write down all the things you feel grateful for in your life. To start with, it may just be one or two, but like exercising a new muscle, over time you'll be able to do more.
8. Learn and move on. Next time a situation arises that causes you to feel bad, reflect on the underlying beliefs you have about what's happened. Ask yourself:
• How did my or another person's behaviour contribute to this situation?
• What can I learn from it?
• How can I resolve things and move on?
Using these three questions can help you to work through a situation in a more positive way - one that empowers not just you but the other parties involved.
9. Transform the negative. Sometimes, you can still feel trapped by a negative viewpoint. It's as if it's your default position, and trying to change it feels like pushing a boulder uphill. This is where seeking professional help can prove invaluable. For example, learning the HeartMath® technique equips you with simple yet powerful tools to transform your reaction to stress and the negative emotions it creates and helps you to be more positive. You can find out more in The Stress Cure book - including details of a Nationwide Stress Cure seminar that will cover many of the exercises featured here - or visit www.susannah-lawson.co.uk
10. Choose happiness. Finally, if you feel resistant to reframing a negative belief, ask yourself, 'Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?'
Visit www.susannah-lawson.co.uk or www.patrickholford.com/stresscure