Author and journalist Carol Lee spent many years helping her god-daughter, Emma, in her battle with anorexia and bulimia.
Carol Lee
Myth: The person suffering from it is fragile and needs treating with kid gloves.
What you need to know: This is nonsense. Emma chose anorexia as a form of protest. Starving yourself requires strength and determination and Emma had plenty of both. Life wasn’t providing her with enough stimulus or emotional engagement. She was depressed about this first of all. Then she became furious.
Whilst her anger was never directed against me, I saw it in action when Emma was only nine or ten years old. Her new step-father, a considerate, likeable man brought her some sweets at the end of school on a Friday when she was staying with me for the weekend. It was his way of saying: ‘Mum and me haven’t forgotten you while you’re staying with Carol.’
But she wasn’t having any of it. ‘I don’t like those,’ she shouted, pushing them away. ‘They’re not my favourites and I don’t want them.’
I remonstrated with her. ‘If you talked to me like that, I’d be hurt and upset,’ I said. She was silent. Her determination not to like her step-father remained until her early twenties. They now have a close relationship.
Myth: People with anorexia want to kill themselves.
What you need to know: This isn’t usually the case. Most don’t. But the fear of having a child die makes people behave in timid, unhelpful ways. Yes, anorexia needs love, but it needs countering with as much determination and resolve as the person suffering from it has mustered. It needs tough love.
Treating anorexia as a ‘near death’ illness won’t help. It’s a powerful form of protest and needs someone strong to deal with it. If those who have adopted anorexia know you are not afraid to confront them, they will feel safer. The helper needs strength, not fear.
Myth: Mum’s to blame – It must be the mother’s fault.
What you need to know: Research has shown that the causes of anorexia are varied and not easy to pinpoint. But some research by child therapists found that sometimes a mother answering a phone call in the middle of feeding a toddler can result in disturbed eating later on – i.e. a food fad.
This will only happen in rare cases. But it shows the sensitivity of some children to having the special enjoyment of being fed disturbed.
Keeping an eye out for sudden behaviour changes over food saves this from developing into a full-blown eating disorder. And with more men involved in childcare, hopefully the emphasis on mothers and food will lessen.
Myth: Anorexia is caused by wanting to be ultra-thin like magazine models.
What you need to know: While this is true for some, depression and despair from things like inability to mix and make friends are often important causes. Social exclusion, especially at school, where children make friends, is a big factor. A teenager who takes to anorexia sometimes call the condition a ‘friend’, i.e. a substitute for the friendships with other children she doesn’t have in her life. Emma did this.
Myth: Most people don’t recover.
What you need to know: Most do ‒ and go on to lead fulfilling lives, but expert treatment and understanding is necessary to bring this about. In any case, there’s a difference between ‘suffering from anorexia’ and having a residue of what some experts call ‘anorexic tendencies’.
With the latter, you need to watch out for signals of being out of balance at a time when things aren’t going well generally. These signals include a return to wanting to over-control what you eat. Fixating on food becomes a distraction when the real solution is elsewhere.
To Die For: The true story of a girl with anorexia and the woman who tries to help her by Carol Lee. Published as an ebook by Corazon Books, available exclusively from Amazon from Wednesday 8th February 2017.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Die-story-anorexia-woman-tries-ebook/dp/B01ND1DSND/