How can I get my friend to respect my privacy?

18 March 2020

Anonymous asks:

How can I tell my friend that I want privacy?

I have recently started seeing a guy who I am enjoying spending time with and we are simply seeing how it goes between us.

My friend, however, seems to think she is entitled to hear about everything that happens between myself and the guy I am seeing.

When I explain that I want my own privacy she just doesn't seem to take no for an answer and continues to really put me on the spot with quite inappropriate questions; asking if we have been intimate yet etc.

After feeling under pressure to talk to her about my relationship, she always seems disappointed with my answers and patronises me.

An example being that she seemed disgusted when I told her that I hadn't kissed the guy by the second date.

How can I get her to appreciate my desire for privacy and tell her that I find her questions and unsolicited advice she keeps dishing out as patronising? Help!

Hi there,

Agony Aunts on Female First

You already have the answer to your dilemma. In your last sentence you ask how to tell your friend about your desire for privacy and your frustration at her patronising feedback. So, tell her! It’s simple.

The problem is that culturally we often struggle with being open and candid with the people around us, possibly because we fear upsetting them or even losing them. Brits often think it’s impolite to give someone negative feedback, even when we deliver it gently.

But ask yourself – if you’re honest, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you shared your perspective? Your friend may be offended, she may even distance herself from you for a while. So what? At least you will have the space and time to enjoy your romantic adventure without someone breathing down your neck.

If she’s a true friend, she will eventually reflect on her behaviour and approach things differently which will benefit you both enormously.

A lot of us are confused about to what extent we can lay boundaries down in our dealings with other people. But boundaries are really important.

It is essential to have them in order to have healthy relationships. They set the guidelines of how you want to be treated and help minimise conflict.

If you want to learn more about this, I highly recommend you try a copy of Pia Mellody’s book ‘Facing Co-dependency’. This amazing tome is a guide to self-empowerment and being able to draw clear lines about what behaviour you find both acceptable and unacceptable.