Top One Night Stand Tips

6 months ago 21st Dec 14:01

One night stands may be good fun but they are also a mine field of mis-haps and embarassing mistakes.

To celebrate the release of Knocked Up on DVD Female First bring you some top tips to avoid one night stand disaster

10 things you never want to hear from a one-night stand

• 1. “I hate to rush out the door but I have another date tonight.”
• 2. “It’s nice having sex with someone you don’t inflate.”
• 3. “I’d love to stay for breakfast but I’ve an appointment at the clinic at nine.”
• 4. “No I’m from a big family, my four brothers and daddy are all in the marines, but they’re very protective of me…”
• 5. “Do you mind if we hurry this up, my husband/wife is waiting in the car outside.”
• 6. “No, that’s not a smoke detector on the ceiling, it’s a web cam.”
• 7. “Is that it? What am I supposed to do with that?!”
• 8. “That’ll be £200.”
• 9. “The boiler’s broken at my place, I haven’t washed for days.”
• 10. “Can we go back to yours? I don’t want to wake my parents.”

10 tips to escape a one night stand

1. Be Prepared. It may sound obvious, but have a plan of escape in place. The last thing you want is to wake up with a loved-up hairy whale the next morning and be in your own bed. If he/she knows where you live, there’s simply no escape. Short of moving.

2. No matter how drunk you get, remember it’s not actually necessary (or big and clever) to do a runner out of the restaurant’s (or more likely pub’s) toilet window. At best you’ll be pointed and laughed at when you get stuck and the cops are called, at worst you’ll snag something that’ll put an end to your one night stand adventures for good. Nasty.

3. A simple one this, but turn up late to the date. It gives you a distinct advantage to check out the goods beforehand and not even go there should you be faced with a monster. If it’s a goer, the old ‘a funny thing happened on the way here…’ line usually keeps things sweet.

4. Give a friend the heads up and either get him/her to tag along surreptitiously or set up a dummy phone call as a get out clause. Don’t answer if you’re enjoying yourself, but should the thought of another few hours in your date’s company have you gnawing your own arm off in distress, the exit door is open.

5. Have a story ready – a get out clause should things turn nasty or, worse, serious. Tried, tested and almost always 100 per cent successful lines include, ‘The wife/husband is expecting me’, or, for the really persistent, ‘I’ve got to pick the kids up from the detention centre’.

6. Though this should never happen, if you find yourself ‘back at his or hers’ but change your mind, start scratching your nethers. A lot. Nothing kills the mood quicker than the impression you’ve got something to offer other than a whole lotta lovin’.

7. Worst case scenario – you wake up at your place with the creature of your nightmares. Good tip – keep a picture of someone of the opposite sex but similar generic build to you by your bed, and when the inevitable ‘who’s that’ question arises (no man or woman is trusting enough not to ask), a simple ‘me before the operation’ retort will have you kicking back en seule in record time.

8. When scarpering the ‘scene of the crime’ never to return, leave no evidence of your shaggathon (such as a drunkenly-proffered phone number) behind. If your prize pants or knickers have been flung out of reach in a lust-induced act of bravado, leave them as a trophy – unless your name and number is sewn into the lining.

9. If you can, get out while your date’s still sleeping – it’s clean, easy and once you’re out that door you’re home free. And all the wiser for your next encounter.

10. Use one of the lines from ‘ten things you never want to hear from a one night stand’. Success guaranteed (probably).

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