My Husband Doesn't Love Me
My Husband Doesn’t Love Me arose because I've been seeing more and more women whose husband is telling them that he's fallen out of love and before she's even had the chance to get over the shock, she discovers that he's texting, Facebooking or messaging another woman. It's easy to become totally focused on the outside threat and forget to ask 'how did we get to this point' because unless you know that, you can't turn round your relationship. My book is a practical guide – bringing together thirty years of experience as a marital therapist - to all the things you should do but perhaps more importantly all the things you should avoid. More relationships end because of a wife's panic than a husband's determination to leave.
What are the possible reasons for why men fall out of love with their partners?
Firstly, you put your children first and your husband thinks he comes last. That's fine when they're babies but they grow up and you're still running after them. If you've lost sight of being partner's when you become parents, he will think YOU don't truly love him and detach. Secondly, your sex life has lost its spark. Men use sex to get close while women need to feel close to have sex. Sadly men are really black and white attitudes to sex and they discount the fact that you're tired, stressed or have to get to feed the baby. He might even have the idea that you don't like it or only do it to keep him quiet. However the third problem is the BIG one. You can't communicate properly because if you could, you'd have talked about the other issues and done something about them.
Why do women often feel like their man is a stranger?
This will sound really weird – considering what your husband has been up to – but men want to please women. And although they are powerful in the outside world of work, they step back and let their woman take charge in the home. So your husband goes along with your plans to visit your mother because he know it'll make you happy, accepts your way to load the dishwasher or what time the children should go to bed. If he's been saying 'yes dear', being the good man and acting selfless, he could have been storing up years and years of resentment or anger because nobody listens to him (even though he doesn't really speak up). Unfortunately, there's only so long that you can bury your stuff before it explodes in an act of complete selfishness.
Why is communication essential in a relationship?
If you can both ask for what you want (rather than expect your partner to guess) and say no (without fearing the other person won't love you) and then negotiate when you're got different priorities or agendas, you can solve even the hardest issues plus you truly understand each other (rather than take going along with something as agreeing).
What are the six types of other woman?
The spark. Someone else has shown an interest and although nothing has happened, he's realised that he's not 'past it' and other women do find him attractive. The on-line connection, he has blurred the lines between fantasy and reality. He stupidly thinks he's having a little harmless flirtation and because it's all on-line it will have no impact on his off-line world. The special friend. She's a colleague at work or even one of your friends, he claims they are just chatting but you've discovered hundreds of messages. The emotional affair. This is still betrayal even though they have just 'kissed' (but not like you'd kiss your granny). The full blown affair. This is sex, sharing intimate secrets from your marriage and going on dates. Finally, the final 'other woman' is the love of his life. He thinks it's the real thing and he can't give her up.
What are the five worst and best reactions to her?
Obviously, you're going to be angry and critical – that's fine but once you've got over your shock..... what next? Worst reactions: Coming to an instant decision to either forgive him or throw him out. (If you forgive too soon, you'll take away all incentive to answer your questions and if he's staying with his mother, he's not available for the conversations you need to truly understand what's happened and make an informed choice) Running her down. (I know it's tempting but he's just defend her and that makes you more angry and provokes more fights) I hate you don't leave me. (If you constantly criticise rather than listen and try to understand, you'll send really mixed messages). Going for a quick fix (It took you years to get into this mess and you can't solve it overnight and magical solutions – like offering him 'knock your socks off sex' - will backfire because you'll feel angry and used). Laying down the law (he might agree to your face to cut off all contact but goes behind your back. Instead try to negotiate a solution together.) Moving onto the best reactions..... Realise she's not made of cream cheese (in other words she's a flesh and blood woman with problems of her own and she's not the answer to all your husband's problems). Imagine that everything your husband says about the marriage is true – at least for where he's standing. Get support. (The road ahead is really tough and you'll need help). If you decide to save your marriage, you'll need to look at your behaviour and commit to changing what has contributed to the crisis. Finally, you could apologise for what you regret and commit to a new and better version of your marriage.
Why is it important to keep calm even when provoked?
Partly because you could jump to the wrong conclusions and hear the worst possible scenario (like 'I never loved you' when he said 'I think I never loved you' – both are horrible but one is a whole lot worse.) However, mainly because 'losing it' gives him more evidence that 'there's something fundamentally wrong with our marriage' and 'it would be better for everybody if we called it a day.' Finally, if you don't fall into the old traps – and really listen, ask questions and ask a few more questions – you show that things could be different and the new improved marriage is not just something you're promising but a real possibility.
How do you know when to keep fighting for your relationship?
When you've tried everything. Sadly most people do their old failed strategies but bigger! Fortunately, I've countless new ideas to try in my book.
What is next for you?
I'm starting a support group in London for men and women dealing with the fall out of infidelity. The road back to sanity is long and hard and it helps to speak to people who're going through the same journey. More information on my website www.andrewgmarshall.com