How do I tell the kids

[Vikki]

I have been with this bloke for 5 years ever since my youngest was born and he treats him like a father figure and he has always been great with my other children. There father left us when I was 6 months pregnant for another women, but still this bloke never moved in but used to stay over all the time well he has just told me he wants to call it a day and move on with his life, I am gutted my kids love him and I love him but you cant force someone to love you if they dont, but I just dont know how to tell the children, it will break their hearts

[Catina]

I know this has to be tough for you. And knowing your kids can be hurt by this makes it even worse. Lying to them will only make it worse. Just sit down with them and be honest. Let them express there feelings and you do the same. Don't hide that you are sad cause more than likely they'll know anyway that you are hurting. If you need to cry then do so. And if they need to cry then that may be what is needed to get through this. Being upfront and honest with the situation,crying about it,being there for each other and most of all loving each other. Let them know you will be there for them and not leave them and just be there for each other. Hope this help!!

[Tim]

You clearly love him and he seems to have loved you too for him to have stayed around for 5 years. Yet you haven't established a life together. Why is that, I wonder. I can imagine - tell me if I am wrong here - that you have been very devoted to your children, perhaps even holding yourself back for them. Holding on to what you have, YOUR children and YOUR life with them. Holding back from him, perhaps. Holding back from moving forward again. Understandable if this is so. But maybe he has waited and waited.

Maybe you should declare, risk. Make a new life for all of you. It may be that he is just telling you that he wants to get on with life and he thinks that you don't. He could prefer to get on with life with you rather than by himself.

Very few men are going to hang around a mum and her kids for 5 years, without making them HIS wife and HIS kids. Maybe you should be thinking of how good OUR life would be rather than just YOUR life.

I do hope it works out for you, Vikki.

[Catina]

Maybe I misunderstood but I thought he wanted out of the relationship.

[Harry]

Why's that Catina? We have no information from him, only what Vikki says. We don't know if he wants out of a 'proper', fuller relationship with Vikki, only that he wants out of THIS relationship with Vikki. But for a man there are ways of having a good relationship which a woman might not recognise, just might not see, if she is bound up with the hurt of being deserted previously and of devoting herself to raising her children.

No man will stay around for 5 years if he doesn't love her. He has stayed. My suggestion - it may be incorrect - is that he may want a better relationship, thats all. With Vikki. For Vikki, who clearly loves him, it would be a crying shame not to explore the possibilities, even if it means moving out of her comfort zone. We can become very attached to hurts of the past and need to risk moving forward, letting the hurt go.

Sometimes - no criticism here - women think they are the only ones who have a conception of relationship. That men don't understand. It isn't the case. Vikki's chap has preferences too, a view, an understanding within himself, of what a good relationship is for him to be in. THIS one isn't it. So CHANGE the relationship rather than the players.

Go for it Vikki, love. There's nothing to lose but past hurt.

[Catina]

Vicky--- Where are you? We need a update. Hope everything is o.k.