Is My Husband Bi-sexual or Sex Crazy!

[fallen apart]

I have been married for 6yrs and have 3 children and one on the way. Over the past 4 years I have noticed that my husband has been looking at gay porn websites as well as websites with women. I have confronted him on this and he said that when you are searching many websites pop up ads or other websites come up and sometimes gay websites. Well just recently as today, I found that my husband has been looking at more gay websites and I found the addresses in the browser window. The browser window shows all the places he went to inside the gay sites. I love my husband but I don't think I can be with a man who has lied about his sexuality and continues to lie about it. He say's that he looks at sites with women having sex with aniamls but that does not make him want to go and have sex with an animal. He said he is not bi-sexual or gay. He said maybe he has a sex problem. I would agree he has a problem! but I believe in my heart that he is bi-sexual and it hurts me that he will not be honest! I don't think counseling will work for us because I don't trust him or feel the same way about him now. He is no longer a king to me, and it hurts so badly. Please tell me what your thoughts are about this situation. Thank you so much!

[stv375inusa]

Try to be positive about it.
It may be hard but, maybe...

Maybe He's just REALLY horny.
I'd have to admit that I myself am turned on by watching a Hot Man positively RAVISH another female.

When I watch someone like Peter North explode with a female it does NOT mean that I want Peter North to DO me...

It means that I want to be LIKE peter north and have that woman be utterly utterly seduced and turned on by me! It means that I (am indulging in the fantasy of) having a powerful powerful sexual attraction from a woman or women.

In the case of the gay porn stuff?

I COULD just be that (again) he's admiring the sexual PROWESS of some kind of a superstar...

I know that the stuff that I'm saying BORDERS on gay-ness.
But I'll insist that I'm MOST CERTAINLY not gay.
I have NO desire to be ravished by a man!

What I DO want is to have my way with a hot HOT woman!

And if some -guy- is in that enviable position, ...well... I might watch the movie and fantacise that that is ME.

It's a little harder to justify watching gay stuff (if you claim you're hetero) but who knows? ??? Who knows WHAT the guy is thinking?

I know in MY case I've ...INVESTIGATED... some of that stuff.
but it sure as hell doesn't mean I wanna suck a big one...

He could just be curious.

I... USE a lot of porn.
Some of the hottest stuff includes a guy in the scene.
Sure as heck doesn't mean I'm gay.

And he IS right...
When you browse the web you DO get websites bookmarked that YOU didn't want bookmarked.

I've got some on my machine now...
I didn't put them there...
Some damn scripting program did it without my permission.

(but then, I'm a computer guy and I'm not phased by that stuff, I could give less than a damn. I occaisionally wipe my machine and restart anew)

Try NOT to worry so much about it.
HOPEfully it's NOT a horrible thing.
You MIGHT just have a really HOT man there...

So, hopefully things go OK for you.

hava good one!

;->

[Fallen Apart]

Thank you for your reply! I have done some more investigating and I have found that my husband has a seperate e-mail through another provider and I also noticed that on the browser some mailto e-mail addresses. The problem is that he visits the gay websites more then the hetorsexual sites. You said that you were a computer guy. Please explain to me about the browser? I see the same sites visted often and I see this by typing in a letter of the alphabet and then all the sites that were looked at that starts with that alpha is brought up in th browser. Even though pop-ups my pop up, the only way that you will get a path is by actually going to that site and that page, is this not true? and if a pop up comes up and does script to your computer only the index page will show in the browser window? This is very serious because I love my husband but I don't think I can respect him or be with him, knowing all of this! It's a shame because we have 3 beautiful children and one on a way. We own a home and had so many plans with eachother! He will not admit to his sexuality he insists that he is not bi or gay but he sure aint straight! Please respond!

[stv375inusa]

will respond to this (deep) request tomorrow.

Wanna think a bit and not RUSH a response tonight.
tonight I'm _ just being.........frisky.

goin to bed now tho'!

[closeted crossdresser]

i can tell you that i would give anything to fel another man on top of me while i was dressed as a woman however i keep it a secret because i dont want to hurt anyone

[stv375inusa]

Well,

I'll begin with a rough/vague explaination of the computer stuff...

ULTIMATELY
I can't SAY what various scripts, viruses, or OTHER web pages have done to his (and Your) computer.

I have to simultaneously claim ignorance as well as knowledge of this matter.

Just trust me.

My OWN machine would appear as if ...I... mySELF visit several different sites. (sites that I... do NOT ... choose to visit)

I get FORCED into them regularly
*sigh*
and I don't give a crap (at the moment) about MY own machine.

LORD only KNOWS exactly WHAT viruses/worms/programs are residing on this damn machine!

LoL

But it sure as HELL is infected with a LOT of crap at this moment that I am typing!

I fight the scripts that run on it EVERY time I reboot.
I am WELL overdue to clean and resetup this machine.

so it IS very possible that your husband appears to visit CERTAIN sites more than others.

depends on WHAT precisely has gotten into his machine.

The only way to verify is "urges" is for you to be a fly on the wall.

IF......... you were a fly on the wall and you could witness him W**nking 52 times a day to videos of young men taking on the "Stiff One-Eyed Monster"...

Then, you'd have him red-handed. (or, spooge handed as the case may be) (and I'm not saying this to MAKE you want to spy on him)

but he COULD be being truthful, and SOMEthing in his machine KEEPS bringing up these damn sites.

I know that MY machine is doing it to me.
(an' I'm gittin tired of it too!)

*smile*

however...

Your original question was "is he bi or simply sex crazed"?
(if you can say being sex-crazed is simple)

First of all I'd say that you PROBABLY have a very good reason to feel as you do. And you should TRUST your feelings.

HOWEVER.

He MAY ...Love You...

and... BE a sex-crazed animal to boot.

This could be Good.
And it could be Bad.

(I know, b/c ... I am one of that breed too...)

(and as much as it can be "fun" it is definitely bad too, or, it HAS a bad side to it)

But...
I do NOT want to feed into the more negative side of your feelings on this.
I think you SHOULD be strong,
and I think that you SHOULD take a little while (days or weeks, whatever is required) and try NOT to let yourself continue to take a negative slide on this.

Why?

b/c NO MATTER what the outcome. You're GOING to need to be more positive.

If it's a GOOD thing... then you've lost NOTHING.
If it IS a "bad" thing (for you)... then you will NEED to be a bit more stable about it. After all, what if all the answeres ARE what you do NOT want to hear?

Be strong. if you can.
Be patient.

And do NOT jump to conlcusions.
And remember, deep inside, ...HE... may be very VERY conflicted, painfilled, and HE may not know what to do.

HE... might need you.

At a time when YOU are feeling very very bad or weak.

so ... hang on. And try to rationalize.

YES, we ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL want security, love and support.
and we want it from the one(s) we THOUGHT we could trust.

betrayal is HORRIBLE.
it is the most painful and personal thing to go through
(or to CAUSE someone to feel betrayed, is to feel tremendous pain too...)

It ALL can hurt.

So be gentle as possible. AND try to be strong.

But remember, what IF he is bi?

AND what if he loves you?

in a best case...
What if he's just a freak of nature and he's falling into a pit of his own self-gratifying sexuality?

THAT TOO can be hurtful to you...
(if you allow it)
But, if he IS becomming addicted to porn... or anything else...
What if he's simply not fixating enough on YOU lately?

Maybe you have NOT lost him, is all I'm saying.

Try to be patient.

This is actually a very very deep subject.
very personal.
and potentially very painful.

You will require personal strength no matter what the outcome.

I'm not trying to encourage you into a state of denial, but...
what choices do you have?

I will personally make this recommendation (not as a professional therapist but as a REAL human who also has to "survive" in this world)
I recommend that you TRY to be "independent" (since you are being forced in that direction anyway) begin to be a little bit kinky yourself maybe... (maybe if he finds you flirting with another man he'd try to reach out to you) or, if he catches you satisfying yourself all the time...
(but all of this stuff is, itself potentially hurtful, and can lead to OTHER unforseen outcomes)

it's just a volatile situation.

get the picture???



just still love him and be (a little?) sad that he's not paying attention to you.

I really don't know how to go forward with this except to definitely advise you towards personal strength

[Fallen Apart]

Thank you again for your reply. I want to make clear that he does not ignore me, he is always or most of the time trying to have sex with me. Our sex life is Great! when we have sex. Which is on once every two weeks and sometimes once a week. I know he loves me and he is the most wonderful man on earth! He is a great husband and father to the kids. I never knew how a real man was suppose to be like until I married my husband. To say the least, I truly admired and looked up to my husband and every word he said to me, was worth it's weight in gold. This is the problem! I am so hurt and torn because all that I thought he was and all that I precieved him to be is not true! He was my king and I was his queen! We are best friends and we alway's say that we are soul mates! I have been through so much with this man, and now I think that this is the straw that has broken the camels back. I don't think I can stay married to a man, who is bi-sexual and will not admit it! He continues to tell me that he is just curious and he looks at so much crazy stuff on the web. He said that he know's who he is and he is not gay or bi-sexual, just curious to see all aspects of sex, sex with animals, sex with men, sex with women, sex with men & men, sex with heshe's etc. Okay that sounds good, but most of the sites he seem to visit is GAY sites! so that says what? I don't believe him, I don't trust him, I don't want to be married to him anymore! I know how I am and I know what I can deal with and what I can not deal with, and I can't deal with a man who is denying his sexuality and doing it behind closed doors (computer). I honestly believe that if you are a Hetrosexual man, you would not look at gay porn sites! You may visit the sites once because your curious, but come on not for 4 years! He has crossed the line of curiousity! I am so sick! sad! ashamed! betrayed! angry! confused! I love him, but I can't live a lie with him, I can't play the role, I can't sweep it under the rug! I can't pretend not to see what I see! I have to be able to believe him and trust in him! I can't! I can't! and it hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[stv375inusa]

Oh...

Oh my! ...sorry, Wow...
*sigh*
Like I said, I KNOW that this stuff can get so SO deep.

You're right,

of course.

I only vaguely can identify with your pain.
Never been in your position.

But I see what you mean.

And, of course, you ARE right.
after 4 years... well, like I said, you SHOULD trust your feelings but...
even if you GET answers from him, you may not like what is to come.

I truly feel saddened for you, sweetie.
so much drama here...

I, myself HAVE been through quite the drama's in the last couple years.
and it can REALLY take the wind out of your sails.

But... HOPEfully... he DOES love you.
and I'm hopeful that SOMEthing turns your way.

In a way...
I guess it is GOOD that he is (smile) *servicing* you...

it's kind of a vote for the old "sex maniac" way of looking at this.
In my first post, I did say to you "maybe he's just really really horny".

I myself am going through an "interesting stage".
And it IS having an influence on MY OWN relationship (and it's not all good) He may need you to just be there WITH him as he tries to adjust to his new, uHmmmm tendencies.

Not that THAT was what you married him for.

But like I said, TRY to focus on the positive, and hopefully his Love for you will come through.

[grinforgrin]

A significant number of people have fantasies about same gender sex, but never even remotely consider acting on those fantasies. They may see a person of the same gender and think/say "wow, they're hot", and mean it, but never think about doing anything about it.

Remember, your husband may not know exactly why he visits gay porn sites himself, he may simply find the male virility of the action on them stimulating.

Porn, like sugar, salt, oil, spicy foods, even sex, should be taken in moderation. Overdosing leads to a search for ever-higher doses, and with porn, that often means looking for more extreme and then even more extreme sites. Sometimes when men masturbate
Porn is often about symbolism, we sometimes want to be one of the people in the movie, other times we simply like to watch something sexual happen. There is a whole section of the internet devoted to Slash stories, a genre of fan-written fiction involving characters from books and films. The stories often involve the male characters having elicit sexual relationshps with each other, even if (and sometimes especially if) the actual character is very much straight. And the somewhat strange thing is, that most of the authors of these stories are women.

Not everything is what it seems when it comes to sex. Perhaps asking your husband to commit to your relationship would help a bit. It sounds like you may be encountering a side of your husband's personality you've never seen before, one that's not perfect, that you don't understand, and it scares you. It may scare him a bit too. If you love him and don't want to lose everything you've both worked to create and protect, I would say you owe it to yourself, him and your children to spend the time and effort to try and find a common ground here. Looking past this behaviour you can't understand to the man you love, and working to accept this as part of him may go a long way to helping reestablish an equilibrium in your relationship.

[Guest]

I am married for a long time. I have looked at female porn..i am not gay...i have looked at females/animals...and many times..and males.but i am NOT interested in doing any of that. I play ..make makeself cum..i also love making love to my husband...but the rest is only fantasy..does'nt mean because i look..i want any of that..noway. Give me my husband any day. Stop worrying fallenapart

[Guest]

in fact...Watch it with him..and he will be making love to you even more

[Lexi]

OMG! Get a GRIP girl!!! You are really having a drama moment here, aren't you?

Okay, you say "I don't think I can stay married to a man, who is bi-sexual and will not admit it!" Does that mean if he IS bi AND admits it to you then you can deal with it? It does not sound so to me, but that might be just me reading into it. So what's YOUR answer?

I mean if he IS bisexual its NOT the end of the WORLD ya know!! Well after I married him I gradulally discovered that my beautiful sexy adoring husband is mildly to moderately bisexual [but MUCH prefers women] and and I have learned to fully accept that fact. He is a WONDERFUL man, husband, companion, friend and lover in every way and I do not consider his sexual orientation to be some kind of "defect" as you come across as doing.

Perhaps your husband somehow senses your homophobia [bisexaphobia?] and is afraid to admit the truth to you. I think I would be too if I were him. I mean you sound a bit of a Drama Queen and no man I know is comfortable with gurly drama.

Maybe if you assured him [honestly] that you can love and accept him for whatever his sexual "kinks" or orientation he might eventually feel free enough with you to admit the truth, IF he is indeed bi - but the jury is still out on that one.

I don't know what else to tell you. You Do seem VERY confused and might need to seek professinal help on this on. Your attitude conveys a need for advice that goes far beyond the ability of an _ forum to help.

Hugs,
Lexi

[FallenApart]

To Lexi,

You seem to be the one who is dramatic!!!!! How could you possibly analyze me relationship or who I am from a couple of posts!!! Those are my feelings at the time of the discovery! Ask any shrink honey, and I'm pretty sure that they would say it is better to express your feelings in a productive way vs. keeping them bottled up inside and reacting to the situation in a inapprorpriate way! I will not apologize or consider myself a drama queen for expressing my utter shock and dismay of my husband's actions in regards to the gay porn! So before you go a playing the ALMIGHTY! you need to check yourself!!!! Before you blow a gasket! Everyone has thier limits and everyone likes diffrent things, some women find gay men to be very attractive and a challenge, some women like men who are very girly some women like ruff necks and bad boys. Everyone has things that they can deal with and live with, the is the beauty that God has given us "CHOICES" So just because you choose to be with a bisexual man that is your choice and more power to you! and if I find it to be disgusting and intolerable.... then more POWER TO ME!!!!!! I have to deal with MY CHOICES and not you (LEXI)! I would like to say to the other posters, thank you for your insightful and non-judgmental comments! It is GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!!

[Guest]

I'd have to agree with Lexi. You don't know he's bi-sexual. If he is, you don't know that he'd act on it. If he would, you don't know that he'd cheat. If he'd cheat you don't know if he'd cheat with a man. As far as I can see you're overreacting and yes, even a drama queen. I pity the poor guy.