Inhibited when in bed with men

[Alicewondering]

Hello everyone,

After reading your posts in this forum for about a week, I'd like your advice on something that's been on my mind for very long.

I'm 29 years old but still slightly afraid of sex. I love it, it's not that. What seems to be the trouble with me is that I'm inhibited. I prefer to make love in the dark and it also helps when I'm tipsy. I love going to bed with men who take the lead and who give me pleasure in all ways. I can then forget about inhibitions and enjoy it very much. At some point, however, it's my turn to return the favour or to take the lead and that's when I get stuck! I'd love to take my b/f's penis out and give him a really good h/j but it just feels weird. I don't really know what to do and I feel silly because I can't get into it. I feel self-conscious and exposed. If I'm sober, kneeling in front of my boyfriend and sucking his penis I just don't feel sexy. Whereas when he does it for me, I feel great.

At the beginning of a relationship, the newness of it all makes it exciting enough but in my last relationship, my inhibitions got in the way more and more. My exboyfriend was willing to try new things but I just couldn't get into it.

I think there's lots of things I'd love to try but I don't dare (unless I'm drunk!). The strange thing is that I've never met a man who's inhibited in bed. They just seem to get into it and go with the flow. Does anyone have any tipps as to how to overcome inhibitions?

[Guest]

Time and experiance will slowly break down your inhibitions. Enjoy what you have.

ps. Both sex and making love are better without beer.

[Guest]

I can sorta relate to you Alice. Iv spent years feeling like that to the point of relationships ending cause of it. What Iv discovered (and it may be totally different for you) is that if Im with someone for whom sex is a neccessity and a must and without it theres friction, I loose my confidence altogether, i start to feel inadequate and sexually stupid. It results in me not wanting sex at all.

HOWEVER on a lighter note, Im now with someone who doesnt care whether we have sex or not. There is no pressure and no hassel at all. This in itself has changed me sexually. I am now happy to initiate sex and want sex more often (not that it would matter if i didnt). We have great sex when we have it - the frequency of this is irrelevant.

[mchosay]

Hi im 28 and have lived with my wife for 4years, she was also very inhibited when it came to sex earlier on on our relationship, but with time her inhibitions have reduced but never completely vanished until we started to talk extreemly frankly about each other what they like and how they masturbate
It takes lots and lots of practice to get fully used to your partners sexual likes and dislikes. Because a slight insignificant change to how you approach sex and how you perform, can have massive effects to your partner.

Use you partner to advance yourself as a sexual person and let them use you, just try everything you can but communication is the key to solving this kind of problem.

Speaking personally i always find it a great turn on to know that im realy giving my partner pleasure.

get him to vocalise his feelings and make him tell you how good you know you are but above all else make things fun

[Aviendha]

I can totally relate on this... sort of...

I love sex with my husband (we've been married 9 months), and just looking at him makes me want to tear his clothes off and do some rather naughty things... When we're having sex I think about saying all sorts of dirty things...

The thing is, I feel sort of stupid about it all. I can never say the dirty things I want to say, and I don't have the courage to initiate things that are different from what we've already done. I want to strip for him, seduce him, masterbate in front of him (when we're NOT already mid-intercourse), tell him how hot I think he is, ALL sorts of things. But I just freeze up. Deep down, I'm a pretty naughty girl. He seems sort of reserved himself, for instance he makes not a single sound when we're having sex, while I'm moaning and panting like crazy. I'm positive we could both get into some serious kinkiness, if only we knew how to go about it. We were talking about it last night, after sex, and we agreed that when it comes to sex we both sort of feel inept and too awkward to initiate the new stuff.

Any suggestions? I don't WANT to wait for the inhibitions to come down on their own. We want some games, some suggestions. I'm willing to just jump in there and do it, and I think he's just waiting for me to take the lead... I just need the courage to grab him when he comes home from work in three hours and go for it.

[Red]

Yeah I can really relate to this too - and was like that for ages and lost relationships over it, now though I just do what I feel like and take control a bit more, I guess it's easier now as my partner is a good bit older than me which has always been my fantasy and he loves all the cliched stuff older men do, the stockings and suspenders, stilettos - all that which really turns me on and I enjoy all that hugely,
practice a bit too - get a good vibe if you don't have one already, buy some gorgeous underwear and try it on and excite yourself - then try it out on him and see the reaction, I guarantee it will empower you and make you feel amazing, not to mention watching him get hard,
Good luck and have fun!!!

[2 cents]

I can totally relate on this... sort of...

I love sex with my husband (we've been married 9 months), and just looking at him makes me want to tear his clothes off and do some rather naughty things... When we're having sex I think about saying all sorts of dirty things...

The thing is, I feel sort of stupid about it all. I can never say the dirty things I want to say, and I don't have the courage to initiate things that are different from what we've already done. I want to strip for him, seduce him, masterbate in front of him (when we're NOT already mid-intercourse), tell him how hot I think he is, ALL sorts of things. But I just freeze up. Deep down, I'm a pretty naughty girl.

WOW! It's only been nine months, and sometimes these things take some time to develop confidence in... but you SHOULD be confident, because what you've said is on most men's dream lists.

Start by telling him what you told us first... sometime, when he's dressed, tell him, "Just looking at you makes me want to rip your clothes off..." See how he reacts... if he seems to like hearing it, that would make you more comfortable.

Just remember the two of you have a lifetime to perfect this. Start with little things here and there; your confidence will gradually grow and you will become more daring. Don't think it all has to come out in one night or one week. Take your time, realize it's a process, and enjoy the journey!

[Aviendha]

Ok, see, I was trying to test the ground last night, and we ended up in a huff and not having sex at all... here's what happened, tell me what you all think:

We were making out a little on the floor in the livingroom, and I was pulling his shirt up over his head, licking his neck, etc. He was like, "What's up baby?" and I told him I'd been waiting patiently for him to get home all day so I could rip his clothes off (rephrased a little, I can't remember exactly what I said). And he asked why... so I told him the truth, that I'd been thinking about the hot sex we had the night before, and it got me all hot for him all over again. This is where things went downhill, because I didn't have an orgasm the night before, so he was like "Yeah, ok, you're lying. You didn't have a good time last night." I told him that I still had a great time, that it was still really hot and all that, but he was still disbelieving. So I got all offended and stood up and said "Yeah, ok, I'm just a big fat liar. Goodnight." I turned off the lights in the livingroom (it was still WAY early for bed) and went and put on some pyjamas and jumped in bed. He eventually came in and we talked about it a little, how it makes me feel like I can't give him compliments when he acts like he doesn't believe me. It all ended with him saying he was sorry... and I sort of feel like a jerk for getting all huffy in the first place. I wrote him a long steamy note and put it in his coat pocket for him to find at work today, apologizing and telling him how much I wanted his hot body.

What do you all think... is there hope for us?

[Alicewondering]

Dear Aviendha

Well done! Of course there's still hope for the two of you. Try not to take it personal if your husband takes some time getting used to the 'new steamy you'.

He probably thought you were trying very hard to change him but instead, you wanted to please him! You misunderstood each other completely.

Next time, don't get all offended but reassure him that you want to seduce him and that this is just something you thoroughly enjoy. Your husband seems a good guy as he was ready to apologise for accusing you of lying.

He seems to be quite dependent on you when it comes to boosting his confidence. Make sure he doesn't get too worked up whether you orgasm or not. Let him know you always have a good time no matter if you orgasm five times in a row or if it's not happening. If it's so important for him that you have an orgasm, make the most of it and let him 'do the work'! There's too many guys out there who don't worry if their woman is getting as much pleasure out of it as they are.

And: tell him over and over again how sexy he is. Eventually, he'll believe you.

[mchosay]

respect to you Alice! sound advice....

[2 cents]

Ok, see, I was trying to test the ground last night, and we ended up in a huff and not having sex at all...

What do you all think... is there hope for us?

A lifelong, satisfying sex life comes after much communication, some of which goes awry. Don't be discouraged by one attempt that goes bad.

Nine months is not a long marriage... you have LOTS of hope!

Keep at it, learn to be patient. As the earlier poster mentioned, his willingness to apologize indicates you shouldn't despair. My guess is that someday you'll be enjoying each other more than you dreamed possible, and you'll look back on these days of miscommunication and chuckle.

Sounds like he first needs to learn that your enjoyment is not directly tied to whether or not you climax (hard for guys to grasp sometimes). Try talking about this when you're NOT about to get it on, so that any hard feelings won't ruin your sex for the night.

Good luck!

[amykat321]

I was searching for info about freezing up when having sex and stumbled upon all this. I kind of have the same problem. Im 19 and have only slept with 2 people, one was from a really long serious relationship and then a one night stand from about 2 months ago. In the relationship I was comfortable around him and could inititate stuff, but that took awhile. With the one night stand, I dont know...It was weird, I knew the guy bc ive made out w him tons of times, but I just froze up and laid there. I felt stupid and didnt enjoy it becuase the whole time i was trying to get the courage to actually do SOMETHING other than literally lay there...I have a really good friend that ive known for 4 years. We have been joking around about hooking up for about a month. I went to visit and nothing happened. We kinda discussed it, but he was waiting for ME to start stuff (NOT HAPPENING!!) and it was just weird again. The main reason I think i didnt is because I was terrified I would freeze up again and i dont want to do that bc it mademe really uncomfortable. The other reason was because I had a dream one of the nights I was there that he started stuff and we were makign out and it was REALLY good and we were just about to have sex when i woke up..lol. (he and his friend came into his room where i was still asleep). this dream just totally weirded me out and has been bugging me for a week. Now we are tlaking about hooking up again and he said he would start stuff but I need to overcome this fear. I really do wanna have sex w him bc we both need to get laid and since hes a good friend then its better than a random hookup. Also, I am scared that he will want me to give him head or something. Ive only blown one guy and that was my ex and he would always warn me before he came...what if my friend wants me to spit or swallow? NO WAY! ew. i just cant do it. is that weird? do most people? It is easier to have sex than do other stuff because I feel like you have to be really comfortable with the person to actually put their penis in your mouth., yet thats always what happens first in relationships. how can i overcome these fears and not become so self consious?

[Tinkerbell]

I was like you with every boyfriend i was with.Then I met my current partner, he showed me what truly loving someone is all about, I knew I could have never been in love before because of how I feel about him now.We have been together 6 years and I trust him completly .Beacuse of this I have completly lost all my inhibitions.My advice is when you are with your soul mate your inhibitions will disappear.This is my experience,I hope it all works out ok for you