Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 12:18 pm Post subject: Support for mothers apart from their children
Hello there
It's been a while since anyone left a post here but I can came across this thread during a search to let mothers living apart from their children know about my new self-help book, "A Mother Apart", published by Crown House - and thought I'd write a few lines.
The number of mothers living apart from their children around the world is on the rise. As you'll know from the posts above, women live apart from their children for a whole range of reasons; they lose custody or they choose to be part-time mothers, and sometimes there are more tragic circumstances involved such as a serious illness or losing touch with their children altogether - suffering Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).
Whatever the reason, being separated from a child can be devastatingly painful and difficult to manage. Grief, guilt, regret and the stress of battling with an ex-partner are just a few emotions that women living apart from their children must come to terms with. And many are left alone to deal with their own pain and emotional journey as the subject is still surrounded by taboo and stigma. As a counsellor, I have worked with women who keep their status of being a mother a secret.
That's why I was inspired to write "A Mother Apart". I have written the book as a mother apart of twenty years (I now have a good relationship with my daughter who grew up with her father in South Africa) and as a counsellor who specialises in supporting women who live apart from their children.
Here is a brief synopsis:
Moving beyond the stigmatised phenomenon of mothers who leave, ‘A Mother Apart’ provides empathic, practical support to readers battling with their emotions as they adjust and come to terms with life apart from their child. It’s written to relieve the isolation of the many mothers apart who say ‘I thought I was the only one’. It provides understanding approaches to tackle difficult emotions, helping women to:
•understand and find release from feelings of excessive guilt and shame
•grieve your loss and live with dignity
•learn the art of big hearted mothering: deep love from afar, over time
•find positive ways to integrate their lives as a mother apart and independent women
•review and develop their relationship with their child
•develop amicable relationships with their children’s father, father’s new partner and other family members
•make decisions about their future, including having new relationships and other children, with confidence
•and fully appreciate how the capacity to love deeply from afar makes them some of the most extraordinary mothers in the world
Knowing only too well from personal experience and the experiences of the women I work with, finding understanding, non-judgemental support as mothers apart from our children isn’t easy. It's my dearest wish to be able to reach out and help mothers who need help.
More information can be found on my website www.amotherapart.com, from which you can access my blog.
Many thanks for reading this. Take good care of yourself.
Sarah Hart has written a book to help women, but the issues she lists in her recent post would apply equally to fathers. Unfortunately for the children, some parents of both genders try to shut the other parent out for various reasons, mostly becasue they want nothing to do with their ex-spouse. Unless there are extenuating circumstances (such as child abuse) it is equally wrong for either parent to shut the other out of their children's lives. The big difference is that because many more mothers than fathers have custody of their children, more fathers than mothers are being shut out of their children's lives.
Their is also the emotional issue of "maternal bonding." Being a male, I have never personally experienced this, but most of the literature on child bearing states that a mother forms a very close bond with her baby as soon as she holds the baby the first time. If the mother does not hold the baby, this bond does not form. A similar bond does not normally form between a father and his child. Thus a mother who is separated from her child has to deal with emotional problems the father who is separated from his child does not experience.
I will admit I have never gone to Sarah Hart's web site, but my bottom line here is that I do not see any bias in her post.
Sarah Hart has written a book to help women, but the issues she lists in her recent post would apply equally to fathers. Unfortunately for the children, some parents of both genders try to shut the other parent out for various reasons, mostly becasue they want nothing to do with their ex-spouse. Unless there are extenuating circumstances (such as child abuse) it is equally wrong for either parent to shut the other out of their children's lives. The big difference is that because many more mothers than fathers have custody of their children, more fathers than mothers are being shut out of their children's lives.
Their is also the emotional issue of "maternal bonding." Being a male, I have never personally experienced this, but most of the literature on child bearing states that a mother forms a very close bond with her baby as soon as she holds the baby the first time. If the mother does not hold the baby, this bond does not form. A similar bond does not normally form between a father and his child. Thus a mother who is separated from her child has to deal with emotional problems the father who is separated from his child does not experience.
I will admit I have never gone to Sarah Hart's web site, but my bottom line here is that I do not see any bias in her post.
A Father
As a father of four (plus a bump) an emotional bond EQUAL to a mothers bond forms.
It is not greater with either, and I see much bias in her post.
Her book/site is to do with mothers. Why not fathers? Why not mothers and fathers?
The bottom line is that women can kick and scream and try and get what they want, they are always the victim. The man never matters.
If the woman gets the kids, she's the victim of the "nasty, nasty man". If she doesn't get the kids then she is the victim of the same.
Joined: 22 Sep 2005 Posts: 4804 Location: New Zealand
Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 2:41 am Post subject:
The Colonel wrote:
A Father wrote:
Colonel,
Sarah Hart has written a book to help women, but the issues she lists in her recent post would apply equally to fathers. Unfortunately for the children, some parents of both genders try to shut the other parent out for various reasons, mostly becasue they want nothing to do with their ex-spouse. Unless there are extenuating circumstances (such as child abuse) it is equally wrong for either parent to shut the other out of their children's lives. The big difference is that because many more mothers than fathers have custody of their children, more fathers than mothers are being shut out of their children's lives.
Their is also the emotional issue of "maternal bonding." Being a male, I have never personally experienced this, but most of the literature on child bearing states that a mother forms a very close bond with her baby as soon as she holds the baby the first time. If the mother does not hold the baby, this bond does not form. A similar bond does not normally form between a father and his child. Thus a mother who is separated from her child has to deal with emotional problems the father who is separated from his child does not experience.
I will admit I have never gone to Sarah Hart's web site, but my bottom line here is that I do not see any bias in her post.
A Father
As a father of four (plus a bump) an emotional bond EQUAL to a mothers bond forms.
It is not greater with either, and I see much bias in her post.
Her book/site is to do with mothers. Why not fathers? Why not mothers and fathers?
The bottom line is that women can kick and scream and try and get what they want, they are always the victim. The man never matters.
If the woman gets the kids, she's the victim of the "nasty, nasty man". If she doesn't get the kids then she is the victim of the same.
oooh how far along is your Wife? do you guys know if its a boy or girl yet? your other 4 are boys right?
Sarah Hart has written a book to help women, but the issues she lists in her recent post would apply equally to fathers. Unfortunately for the children, some parents of both genders try to shut the other parent out for various reasons, mostly becasue they want nothing to do with their ex-spouse. Unless there are extenuating circumstances (such as child abuse) it is equally wrong for either parent to shut the other out of their children's lives. The big difference is that because many more mothers than fathers have custody of their children, more fathers than mothers are being shut out of their children's lives.
Their is also the emotional issue of "maternal bonding." Being a male, I have never personally experienced this, but most of the literature on child bearing states that a mother forms a very close bond with her baby as soon as she holds the baby the first time. If the mother does not hold the baby, this bond does not form. A similar bond does not normally form between a father and his child. Thus a mother who is separated from her child has to deal with emotional problems the father who is separated from his child does not experience.
I will admit I have never gone to Sarah Hart's web site, but my bottom line here is that I do not see any bias in her post.
A Father
As a father of four (plus a bump) an emotional bond EQUAL to a mothers bond forms.
It is not greater with either, and I see much bias in her post.
Her book/site is to do with mothers. Why not fathers? Why not mothers and fathers?
The bottom line is that women can kick and scream and try and get what they want, they are always the victim. The man never matters.
If the woman gets the kids, she's the victim of the "nasty, nasty man". If she doesn't get the kids then she is the victim of the same.
oooh how far along is your Wife? do you guys know if its a boy or girl yet? your other 4 are boys right?
My wife is not far gone, and no idea what sex it is yet.
My wife is hoping for a girl this time and my other four are all boys
You may have seen myron's lovely remark that the "bump" was a "tumour". What a lovely man he is. What a good father he'd make too.
I agree with your bottom line that the woman is always considered the victim, no matter what. Many laws and many judges make the assumption that the mother is always better qualified to care for the children than the father. To me this is just another form of sex discrimination against men.
No I didn't see that comment but I think it's a pretty horrible thing to say.
I bet she's hoping for a girl!! talk about outnumbered
I found out today i'm expecting a little boy which is pretty exciting.
Congratulations Captain! Any ideas for names yet?
Even though it's early we've had a think about the possibility of Alexander or Robert for a boy, and Rebecca or Lauren for a girl. Obviously it's early days and that will probably change somehow.
And A Father - I agree that men are discriminated against in the courts.
Joined: 22 Sep 2005 Posts: 4804 Location: New Zealand
Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:46 pm Post subject:
I agree that men are discriminated against in regards to children.
Nah haven't really thought of any names yet we had a few shortlisted for girls but can never find any we like for boys. We did think Ryan was okay because it means "little king"
Luckily I've got 4 months to go because otherwise i'd be screwed. It's something I don't take lightly this naming business.
I agree that men are discriminated against in regards to children.
Nah haven't really thought of any names yet we had a few shortlisted for girls but can never find any we like for boys. We did think Ryan was okay because it means "little king"
Luckily I've got 4 months to go because otherwise i'd be screwed. It's something I don't take lightly this naming business.
Congrats to you and your wife
My eldest is Ryan, and we named him partly because it was a favourite of both of ours, and because I am decended from Kings (William I of England to be exact).
So, as my eldest, he is my successor.
Though in reality they are all my little princes (A title which they do not appreciate in their teens!)
Best of luck with the baby and let me know how things get on.
Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 12:35 pm Post subject: Re: Mother withour custody, not by choicce
i feel the same way about my expartner if you can Call him that i have two beutifull girls to him which he has never emotionally or financially cared for also he never wanted to be named the legal father of so he didnt want to pay child surpport for them ,ill never giv my children to him for he is an addict to alsorts ,he also has four other children to two other women that he didnt care for he use to pick them up and leve for me to care for when he had access
Not only that when he found out that i wanted to lev the country in the best interest of my children and me for surpport with my family
he was able to fight it under fathers rights act i still cant understand it ,so im going through this at the moment which is really unfair,also i nearly lost my children because of false accusations given to cyfs about him being here.also finaces.cuse i get a DPB of 240pw and thats surpose to help levz 90-80 for food after bills r paid.
He has a job god knows were his earnings go to but nafing goes to his kids or to a house thats his, just his car.
sooooo yeeeaahh im tryna get help from some organisations but the goverment is all up the wack.
Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:24 pm Post subject: Re: Mother withour custody, not by choicce
mummy of three wrote:
i feel the same way about my expartner if you can Call him that i have two beutifull girls to him which he has never emotionally or financially cared for also he never wanted to be named the legal father of so he didnt want to pay child surpport for them ,ill never giv my children to him for he is an addict to alsorts ,he also has four other children to two other women that he didnt care for he use to pick them up and leve for me to care for when he had access
Not only that when he found out that i wanted to lev the country in the best interest of my children and me for surpport with my family
he was able to fight it under fathers rights act i still cant understand it ,so im going through this at the moment which is really unfair,also i nearly lost my children because of false accusations given to cyfs about him being here.also finaces.cuse i get a DPB of 240pw and thats surpose to help levz 90-80 for food after bills r paid.
He has a job god knows were his earnings go to but nafing goes to his kids or to a house thats his, just his car.
sooooo yeeeaahh im tryna get help from some organisations but the goverment is all up the wack.
Why get involved with him then?
You just set yourself up for trouble.
Are people really this clueless about reality? Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one with brains.
Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 12:15 am Post subject: dealing with that mother
I don't think after leaving children at the door step of father saying to them that she does not want to take care of them, will leave there minds after eight years after she can't get her earned income credit from government for her other children from another father goes away, then wanting her children she left behind back. OH , just before taxes time decide to bring father with kids in front of the ole judge saying oh god i love my kids so much. i missed them for eight years!!!!!!!!!being the ever recovering crackhead doesnt help her bonding skill much.
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oooh how far along is your Wife? do you guys know if its a boy or girl yet? your other 4 are boys right?
,ill never giv my children to him for he is an addict to alsorts ,he also has four other children to two other women that he didnt care for he use to pick them up and leve for me to care for when he had access