Falling in love with my BF - need guidance on how to proceed

[gilly2]

I think I've fallen in love with my best friend. She's married and I'm in a relationship with my partner (male) of 8 years. But I can't stop thinking about her. I've never been with or been interested in women before.

Ages ago she said that she could quite happily be a lesbian in a jokey discussion we had about men, and it was so intense I felt like running a mile. However, ever since then I inwardly rejoice when she tells me she's had a row with her husband and I hope that she might return to the lesbian discussion.

I love spending time with her - we go riding and hiking together - and when we have lunch once a week she calls it "our table", despite the fact that she eats there more often with her husband.

We joke and flirt a little but I don't want to make a move and ruin our friendship if I've misread the situation. She's keen for us to go out for the evening and then she plans to stay over at mine. We've also talked about going on holiday together. Should I plan for these events as see what happens?

[Meremale]

I suppose you could raise with her again her old remark about maybe wishing to be gay - e.g. you could ask her " did you ever think about that again ? " . You would have to judge if it was wise to do so at any particular point in your conversation - if she did not react as you wanted you could then easily pass it off as just a by-the-way type question. It may be that you have reached a stage in your long friendship that it could still continue ok in the event of you getting it wrong ! However from what you have said she has not given you any positive vibes - e.g. does she ever give you a quick cuddle or something that is more than just a matey one ? I am a guy of course but as no-one else has yet bothered to answer your query I thought I might add my bit. I liked the tone of your post and you do seem to have a nice relationship already even if it is not sexual. Good luck.

[gilly2]

Meremale, many thanks for your reply. I was wondering why so many people have viewed the post but not made any suggestions, so yours was welcome and helpful.
I'm seeing her again tomorrow and have been looking forward to it all week. It is lovely to have an excitement and feeling of potential like that in your life.
We have a running joke about ditching our lives and buying a ranch somewhere sunny together, but she says she'd bring Brad Pitt and I can bring George Clooney. Yet she does flirt with me too. Can't fathom it out. Do think with a glass of wine or two involved she might show more of her hand.
Affection wise she only gives me a hug if we haven't seen eachother for a few weeks due to holidays. She's not touchy feely at all, so I don't touch her as I assume she doesn't like it. All my other friends kiss you on the cheek when we meet and to say goodbye and it's all so natural. Yet my BF walks away from me as we say goodbye, still talking as she departs. It's weird.

[Meremale]

I know exactly what you mean by that thrill and buzz of expectancy when you are seeing someone you maybe should not be (although mine was in a straight situation).
Her lack of feely/touchy may just be her normal way (some women are like that) or it could be some sort of defence mechanism for the same reasons why you are unsure of about making a more direct approach. Maybe only you can, or should, make that decision rather than other
FF members ?
There is also the need to consider what you will do if you do have a relationship. Have you thought it through ? One of your male spouses is sooner or later going to twig what's going on. Would you really give up what you have for the dream ranch type of idea - most of us have had that at some time in our lives - how many of us actually do it I have no idea.
Sorry to be a dampener this time.
As for Pitt and Clooney, I gather they are rather heavily involved at the moment !

[gilly2]

Trust a man to pour cold water on the ranch dream! You're all so practical.
I've never been with a woman, so I'm guessing it must just be her. How her personality affects me and the fact that she opened the door a chink when she said that she could quite happily become a lesbian, because her main beef if that men don't listen, though she did say "without the sex bit".

We had a jokey exchange by text this morning about how she says her bum is fat (it's not) and how we'd need to take a longer walk tomorrow to burn it off. It started with a text she sent today that read "How's Jane's fanny this morning?" - referring to a quote I'd heard on the BBC drama Miss Austen Regrets on Sunday night. Quite a provocative way to start the day?? But I'm wondering if she maybe just likes flirting with women and men and I'm falling casualty to the buzz flirting gives you. Also, since she got me into horse riding, there's something sexually physical about that too and she's so elegant and naturally stylish n a horse.

I have thought about how things would be if we took things further, and I think I'm kidding myself it would be ok with our partners, i.e. not really cheating, because men like a bit of girl on girl. My partner knows about her lesbian coments and keeps humourously warning me that she's going to jump on me. But he doesn't know I'd welcome that.

She sent me a text one night she was out for dinner with her hubby saying "Sitting at our table. The chat isn't as good though. Obviously!". She sent it to one of her other friends first by mistake and she thought she was having an affair when she read it. It made me blush with pleasure at the time. I do feel we're dancing round the issue....Any thoughts?

[Meremale]

Sorry Gilly but I think I have reached the limit of my know-how with your dilemma for obvious reasons.
All I can think of is that you could tell her you love her - and without being at all dramatic about it. As a close friend it may be that she has the right to know that anyway. But I really do not know if that's is the best or worst possible advice I or anyone else might give you.
I believe you are a really genuine and beautiful (I do not mean that in the physical sense of the word) person.
I hope other FF members will come up with some appropriate and rational advice (and not the c..p we sometimes see).
My very best wishes to you.

[Meremale]

I ought to clarify what I said in my last post. You may well be very beautiful physically of course (I would not know) - I meant it in the non physical sense. Cheers. Mike

[gilly2]

Mike,

Thanks for yesterday's posts. I met my bf for lunch as usual and we had a good time, however, I do sense her withdrawing from anything closer. She had been arguing with her hubbie the night before and when I asked her what it was about she said "everything". She feels he's not doing the things she's asked him to help her with and has fallen into a spiral of nagging. I gave her some advice on how to break the pattern, which she said made sense. But she wasn't joining in with our usual denouncement of men as children (apologies).

We're definately planning a holiday for the summer though and have started to narrow down the where, when and what etc. So that's good.

For now I think I'll pull back, enjoy her friendship and see how things go. I don't want to loose sight of what made us close in the first place and I don't want to ruin things by coming on too strongly.

I really do appreciate your advice. It did give me perspective and allowed the red mist of passion to pass for now so I can think clearly.

Thanks, Gx

[lockettherocket]

My experience of flirting with men and women is you ask some double sided questions that have an innocent answer and a "yessss" answer if you know what I mean.

Maybe I've got practiced at it cos I do lot of it in a work environment when I'm meeting new people so I always make sure there is a get out 'plausable deniable' I think is what they call it.

Body contact is another good way, a lingering touch touch on the arm, open a door and sweep them through with a gentle touch on the bum which you hold afterwards.


There's lots of ways of gettinh clues if any feelings are reciprocated.

A funny think happened yesterday when I realised a woman was doing it to me. Takes one to know one. The thing is she was interviewing me for a job so even though I would have enjoyed her taking me then and there I really wanted the job and that would have been so unprofessional.

[Goya]

Dear Jitty2,
I have read all the communication of the issue you have raised. I am a man and accidentally came to this site, and first not knowing that this is all for women. But know if you do not mind maybe a man can have a view as well since men usually should be the ice breakers at the cost of loosing a friendship.

Having said this I would suggest the following approach: When you are together a moment that is rather romantic and quiet, you say recently when you look at a woman it draws your attention, you look deeper at their hair, face, upper part lower part and a feeling of touching them comes to your mind. It is strange but you do not know what this is. But there is no possibility that you can go in front of them and ask to touch them. You however like to find a very trust worthy person that you could hold hand or touch to see if this is some feeling between two girls or just some fantasy that does not carry any importance.

She might vulantier and tell you who is better than her and of course you follow by holding hands and showing that it may not work as you are best friends. You would feel the spark and if it is there you can even touch her lap. However she may not say anything and this would be something that you can say and repeat a few times when you are together in different situation. I do believe it will work but if it does not, then you could gradually say less and like you are coming out of it.

Try it and do let me know if possible.