Mothers without custody

[LibbyLou]

Does anyone know any mothers who have let their ex-partners have custody of the kids?
I am looking for women in their 20s, 30s or 40s, who have given up custody, to take part in a national newspaper article.
Perhaps they have been ill, have busy careers or for some other reason do not feel able to look after their children full-time. I would like to find mothers who believe they are doing the right thing for their kids by not having custody.
Many Thanks,

Lucy

[dianne shaw]

i am a mother of three who gave custody of her children to their fathers in 1993 when they were 1 yr - 3 yr and 10 years old - i did this because my second husband and i were divorcing and i felt that my children would be in a more stable home environment if they were with them - i was not emotionally nutured as a little girl and my life was a series of dramas and disruptions and had been for decades - i had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder in 1991 after experiencing postpartum psychosis after the birth of my second child - it was a very hard decision to make - i wasn't the same afterwards for months and years - i began to drink heavily to take away the pain and shame i experienced - today i am happy to say that my girls are very well adjusted and have experienced a stable home environment with their father - my oldest girl eventually went to live with my sister and her husband and her two cousins until she was 18 - today she lives with her grandparents - the two youngest are still with their father and are amazing - we are very close and they visit me regularly - every other weekend when i lived in california and now that i live in nyc they come out twice a year for an extended period and i go out to california every two months to see them there - my oldest daughter and i have a more strained relationship at this time -

i went into recovery for alcohol addiction in 2000 and was put on disability because of my bipolar disorder i am very sensitive to stress - i have been in therapy off and on for the last ten years trying to come to grips with my decision but still have a part of me that thinks i was shirking my responsibility by giving up my girls -

i would like very much to meet other mothers who have relenquished custody of their children - we are in a much different boat and have very different issues from women who had custody taken away from them by the court system - of course we do have similarities also because of not living with our children full time - in that way the dynamics are the same.

i am a dental hygienist and attended loma linda university in southern california and worked for 14 years in my profession before going on disability - today i do outreach to colleges and residential treatment facilities about what it is like to live with a mental illness - representing the national alliance for the mentally ill nyc metro -

i would very much like to talk to other mothers who made the same decision i did twelve years ago - my heart still aches - dianne shaw at seratonincascades@verizon.net

[felicha]

I am not here to judge anyone , but I will just give my opinion about what I feel.
I would never just give my children to their father no matter what. I have lived wiht him and I know how he would parent and most men don't have a clue what to do. Just because he makes more money does not mean that he will do the right theng with the money and take care of the childrens needs.

I hate teh fact that I lost custody of my children just becaus my ex-spouse refuse to pay me child support and the children are used as pawns to him.

My ex-husband is not like some men that I would might consider giving my children to if I was deathly ill. I would still not give him my children.

[xXx.Lesley.xXx]

I love my kids' dad and I know how much he loves the kids, but no matter what I wouldn't let him have full custady.

We have even discussed that if anything was to happen to me my mum would get the children. He would move in with my mum too so he could be there to help bring them up.

It is too much to take on, 3 children that have just lost their mum, especially for someone who has just lost the love of his life.

[Guest]

i gave my kids to my ex because i am a full time student and was not home a lot. i moved two states away and they did not want to come with me.
my ex got remarried and now i am going through a major mess with his new wife, who is their new "mom" according to her. i am worthless and i dont love them she tells me.
i have been living with bi-polar for 15 years and do not know how to handle this.
my ex agreed at the time of divorce to let me finish school before i had to pay child support but now his new wife said no, i am to pay now even if i have to throw away 5 years of school to do it. i have 2 more semesters to go and she can't wait.
her and my ex had 2 kids together and now he can't afford them. so he is coming after me.

[angel_c]

When me and my ex boyfreind, with whom I have two beautiful little girls, split up. He left me over a thousand dollars behind on the rent and over five hundred behind on the electric and I was a waitress and all together we had three children. I have one from a previous relationship. He was gone for 2 months not even calling to see how the kids were. no support nothing. Then one day shows up on my door step at 5am to say goodbye he was moving. I let him know I was being evicted and I had no Idea where me and the kids were going to go. He showed up one week later to keep the kids for a week, knowing my situation he offered to keep the kids a little longer or as long as I needed to get stable again. Silly me for being so trusting. I thought him and his family could provide a stable loving environment for a little while and his family had not gotten to know my girls well while we were together so it was an opportunity for them as well: I thought I was doing the best thing for my daughters, I knew he drank and he was a lush but I knew he was living with his mommy and he would have help and I had no where to go. I visited with my children one weekend a month until one day he got mad at me and said I couldn't see them. He lived accross the state line and we were never married so in the state where I live I have custody sole custody, but they would not enforce this because he was over the state line and we had never been to court over the children. now we are having a big custody battle just so I could even see my girls. I had to file for custody of children I already have custody of to look at my children because he lived accross the state line. So watch women,, never trust the ex.

[torn]

I am divorced for a little over a year. My ex and I have maintained a good relationship and do everything out of court regarding our 4 year old son. He now has a live-in girlfriend and I have a boyfriend 8 hours away. I work at home so can travel between both places and still work. My ex is a very good father and very good with my son. we both live in his home town where I have little friends and no family here. I am always down when I am here and can't enjoy time with my son. not to mention missing my boyfriend despirately because I go visit him for 1 week, then am home for 3 weeks and see my son half of that time. my finances are crazy and I am thinking of selling my house, finding a small apartment close to my son's school and traveling more to be with the man I love. I am looking to be there for 2 weeks, then come back to my son for 1 week; then 2 weeks away, 1 week back....you get the picture..I will always have joint custody, but the placement would obviously only be 1/3rd of the time. My ex can provide my son so much as far as a good home, family life, and many friends and relatives nearby. Am I giving up on my son? I want the guilt to go away and make me see that I am good mother because I am willing to keep an apartment here and travel every 3 weeks to spend a week with my son....thoughts?????

[akphotolover]

I think anyone that can trust their ex to spend as much time and love their children the best they can..If your happy your kids will be happy. If you can actually work out something that you get to see your kids all the more power to you. Those that can't and are being screwed by everyone, I feel for you. I haven't seen my kids in a year and have very screwed up phone contact with them. I live in Alaska and them in Oregon and NOBODY cares. We have never been to court because I "trusted" my ex to do the best by the kids, now am fighting just so I can get them to "visit" me in my own home. If you are able to have free time with your kids when you want or at a scheduled time you are among the blessed. There are many of us out there that have to fight tears and heartache everday over guilt we shouldn't have to burden. I didn't "loose" my kids, but I did and I shouldn't have. In any court 4 years ago, custody would have been given to me lock stock and barrel, but due to laws, he now has to do something outragious for me to get custody. I am a christian and I prayed day and night and I am still without my children. Be happy for what you have, as long as your children know you love them thats all that matters. I know my children love me and respect me, when they are adults and find out what has happened with us, they will not respect their father... they may not now... but I have nothing to worry about.. we are all only children for 18 years and kids have a way of knowing whats right and whats wrong. My ex will pay.. I will have the last 60 years or so with my children while he is lonely is his rocking chair.... Karma..

Grab on to all your blessings and thank God for the time he has given you.. every day could be your last day and you need to live with what you are dealt and fight for what is right. In the end good will overcome evil, no worries

[mountainlion]

Im really glad to have found this forum as I have looked for such a place before without success. I identify with everything I have read`so far. When I split from my husband back in 1998 I had the kids while he went to live with his girlfriend. Things were fine but to cut a long story short I ended up taking on too much and was admitted to mental hospital with a psychotic episode (I had suffered with depression since my son was born in `1989). Before I got out and well before I got back on my feet my ex had been to his solicitor to get custody. He came to visit me and said that he would drag me thorugh every court in the land if I tried to take them back. I was so ill and vulnerable that I didnt fight him. Today I live 2.5 hours away from them and go to visit them when I can. It has been a very hard journey and I go through whether I should have fought for them again and again in my mind. Maybe there is no right answer. In the end I had to live my own life and I know that they are well taken care of, at least financially anyway and they seem really stable and able to handle the situation much better than I do. Maybe they hide their feelings the same way that I do when I see or talk to them. Someone said that they are only children for 18 years, thats so true but it scares me in case they forget me. On the positive side of things though I met a new man and we have since had a baby between us and we couldnt be happier. Maybe this was alll meant to happen. One thing is for sure - I certainly realise how much my offspring mean to me now if I didnt before. NO-ONE will ever take my new baby away from me. She does not replace my other kids but I aint losing her to ANYONE.

[Dawn]

[julmitch]

I gave my ex husband residency of the children. this was 6 years ago and I wish soooooooooo much I could turn back time. At that time I was depressed and could see no way out. I needed to get away from him. I thought my children ( 2 boys ) would be better off in their own environment with extended family near by. For 6 Years I have seen the children every other weekend for the entire weekend and holidays. I phone at least 3 times a week. I call their school to see how their doing and communicate with their GP if I have any concedrns. mY EX has done everything in his power to turn the children against me and certainly with some effects. I feel like I am constantly fighting not to be seen as the bad person. If I knew how much my ex would have used his position as prime carer to attack and punish me I would most definately have taken the children with me into homelesness.

I am no longer homeless and have a good career with a senior position. I left my ex with everything and took nothing financially from the relationship, as in my mind I was giving it the the children not my husband. I have been rebuilding my life inch by inch since. I since remarried and have a wonderful little 2 year old who my other children addore.

I detest feeling like a second class citizen because I left my children and I hate that soooooo very common comment ' I could never leave my children.'

[The-Prophet]

julmitch i am feeling very VERY sorry for you, i hate to think about people who turn thier kids against one parent or the other its wrong and cruel to both the children and the other parent, i would never be able to do it and if it happend to me i have no idea how i feel and if it does, i don't want to think about it but it might involve me breaking the law.

[The-Prophet]

[julmit]

Just a post script to my last post.

I am amazed. I cannot tell you how it feels to read posts from people who have been and are where i AM. Being a mother without her children is so very lonely. You can't talk to anyone because you already know the negative judgement they will have toward you. There is no one to discuss all the ususal problems associated with being without your children. the internet is fulll of support for men. Women who are without their children are considered at fault and viewed with distaste and suspician. Not only do we not have our children, we carry so much pain, guilt and the scorn of others. It is the heaviest of burdens to carry through life.

[The-Prophet]

high suicide rate too, do you have msn, i'm building up a list of contacts from here hehe