Pregnant Girlfriend - A complicated situation!

[Guest]

My girlfriend is 32 weeks pregnant, and I'm pretty sure it's mine. She says not - sound complicated? read on...

From late June to late December last year I was having regular sessions with her. Though we were close at first for some reason we drifted apart - daft things she would do would annoy me, and vice versa. At times I would resist, but she was pretty persistant, often coming round "cos she was nearby", or (particularly during Novemeber and December) would wake me up at 2.30am having been clubbing, and it would always lead to sex. It was always unprotected, as she claims condoms irritate her and she was on the pill. I can only describe the feeling I had the last few times we did it, particularly as I ejaculated up her, that something was going to happen and that this was no longer a wise thing to do, it had become merely sex and I was taken aback by how often she wanted it, and why. To further complicate this, she has had an "official boyfriend" since mid-August, though this is not a healthy relationship - he is a drunken slob basically, who's idea of fun is to spend every weekend in his local drinking 2 pints an hour every hour, totally different to myself. He treats her with disdain, and cheats on her regularly with one-night stands. I found out recently that he "snapped his banjo string" in late October, how long that would have put him out of action I'm not sure but it would explain why she'd just call round to mine on spec...
Anyway, having decided to stop our sex sessions I spent the duration of the christmas period avoiding her. This was hard - she would turn up on my doorstep and I'd pretend to be out, she'd go to the places I went to and hang with the people I did. Her advances and requests for "another session" continued into February, even when we weren't having anything to do with each other, there would be 100 texts to her on my mobile bill. I really did all I could to stay away from doing it with her again, as I had a feeling this casual sex would lead to something...
Anyway, come early April and, after several cryptic texts about how she no longer smokes or drinks "because she can't anymore", I realised she was trying to tell me that she was pregnant. But I was not worry as it "was definitely his".. though she was very over-defensive about this. I enlisted a mutual female friend to find out more, and she managed to find out the following:
1) It was definitely the other guy's cos "before xmas she'd had a bout of sickness etc and this must have cancelled out the pill that day"
2) She still liked me far more than him as "I'm so interesting" and "so good to be with" (etc, I won't blow my own trumpet)
3) She was moving in with him in May as the "family unit is so important to her"
Anyway, puzzled I was (and still am) but being impressed with the new responsible version, I started seeing her (as a friend) regularly though she was (and still is) nervous about people seeing us together and putting 2 + 2 together... Anyway, we grew closer and closer, and this time have really fallen for each other. We were sleeping together by early May. She's seen me at least 4 nights a week since April, her boyfriend get's 1 or 2. The house they were getting together never happened. She announced she was going to leave him last month, then changed her mind "to get more things out of him for his child"... she cries a lot though frustration and having no-one but me to talk to.
Over the past few weeks, I have found out the following:
1) She is so scared of letting her parents down that she daren't tell them anything, even her sister knows nothing.
2) She daren't tell them she doesn't want to be with him until she has sorted a house out for herself. She daren't tell them what he's really like or how she feels
3) The contempt her "boyfriend" has treat her with, coupled withh is cheating, has really eaten away at her confidence, which makes the above matters with her folks worse. She now "hates him", and having hear how she speaks to him, I am convinced of that.
4) She dare not even admit to herself that it could be mine - I understand why but I don't think it's fair on anyone to be unaware of this.
5) A few weeks ago, after a couple of glasses of vino, she told me how important it was that I believe her "as it took her 3 months to work out who's it was" (though this has now reverted back to the sickness/pill story)

Apart from the million-dollar question we are now incredibly close. What started off an experiment to see how she would be with me has ended up with both of us in love (though she never uses 'the l word' I can see it in her eyes) It sounds weird, but I think she has that much respect for me personally that she didn't want to "trap me" or snare me, but I would her in and end my bachelor days without a worry.
My own personal hunch (and I do believe in my intuition) is that it is mine, I was concerned about it at the time (which was why I stopped), and if I go back 40 weeks from the alledged "due date" (though she keeps on saying she "thinks" it's gonna be early), she was in my bed (& days before & later). She claims it must have been concieved "on a Tuesday (the due date is a saturday!) She won't discuss when we did it, claiming it "didn't happen in december did it", or her behaviour afterwards, claims to have "known inside by xmas" that she was pregnant but "was in denial for a while". I haven't gone on about any of this to her cos I am her the one person she can talk to and I don't want this to stop. Other "little hunches" have been many, like when I got a massive romantic bouquet of flowers for her birthday, which then (and she isn't an emotional kind of girl) kept her bursting into tears all day, how quickly she got close to me, that 80% of calls/txts on her phone bill were to me.
Her "boyfriend" is unaware of this, despite having found the cards I sent with a couple of bunches of flowers, she even rings him off my mobile sometimes. The nights she spends with me she tells her parents she's with him. which is making matters worse for her. She's obviously in many ways still a frightened little girl, but something has got to give. I have been very patient, and do not want to break her confidence in me, but I do feel that it's time people found out the truth. It's alright her being in complete denial that it could be mine, but it's not fair on anyone else. A large part of me feels it's time somebody was told or something was said, if it carries on like this, this guy could be cutting the cord to a baby that isn't his to someone who doesn't want to be with him, all because she has no-one to talk to. I can understand that, having told him, his family, friends and her own family that it's his, (remember though I was avoiding her like the plague, and wouldn't return her calls January/February) it would be massively embarrassing to admit otherwise, but it's really beginning to get me down. I'm not saying it "IS" mine, there's no way of telling (she won't admit all the times in Decemeber she came round or wanted to come round, just how often was she with him then?), but I just have a strange feeling it is. I love her to bits now, and would take her even if it was his (and I have told her this).. but if it's mine it would be nice to know in advance (I have family too). If it isn't his, what would she do about his family?
Incidentally, her family know me (they live a few doors away from my family) and her mother knows something WAS going on, but they don't know what is going on now (or in december)

I'd like advice and opinions (particularly from other women) on what to do. I know it's a strange situation (and I don't require any comments about her being foolish or promiscuous), but I do feel I should do something. I don't want to upset her at all, but should one of his cousins "overhear" something or what? Should he be away it might not be his, given she doesn't want to be with him now?
Advice please!

[lilirose03]

phew, this is a complex one. I think it sounds as if she's genuinely confused as to who the father of this baby is. Working out conception dates is not as straightforward as you might imagine, and there is always room for error. This being the case you will need to have a paternity test done ( these are done after the baby is born) to be sure if it is yours.
Your girlfriend will be feeling very vulnerable and sensitive right now, pregnacy hormones make you feel that way anyway, let alone with all these other issues. It sounds as if you love her very much, try to be supportive, but be aware things will probably get worse before they get better.
With regard to the other man, he undoubtedly has a right to know that the child may not be his, but it must be your girlfriend's responsibility to tell him. Perhaps you could gently try to persuade her that this would be the right thing to do? Explain to her from a male perspective how he would feel. How you feel too.
Wishing you all the best.

[swee]

[retrodon73]

Thanks for that,LiliRose.
She's has had some panic attacks this week brought on by all the sneaking around etc. As she dare not even tell anyone about us (which I suppose would then bring up questions about the baby she could not face up to) I dare not even mention my feelings about this subject, she'd probably just flip. I'm really concerned about her, the time for dark secrets and dodging relatives is not when heavily pregnant and, to me, the longer things are denied and swept under the carpet the harder it's going to be when it inevitably comes out.
I suppose all I can do is help and listen and just suffer in silence until things become clearer, but at the moment despite her denials it's obvious she's really wrestling with her conscience about this and how people may react.
Yes, I am tempted to somehow let the cat out of the bag, but she has placed so much trust in me, I am her sole true confident, that I am loath to break that trust....

[lilirose03]

Hi Chris, I wonder if you could convince your girlfriend to get some counselling? Perhaps not now, but once the baby is born - she could go by herself or you could go together, whatever she feels most comfortable with. It may help her to talk things through openly with a professional, help her to see things more clearly, and figure out what she wants to do.
I really do feel for you, stay strong and let us know how you get on.

[jojo22]

Hi Chris,

Lilirose has given you some really sound advice. This is a very difficult situation that you are your girl have found yourselves in. I can imagine your tension if you are concerned that another man be named the father of your child, if it is indeed your child.

What I am most concerned about at the moment is the panic she is experiencing in this late state of pregnancy, and what impact that could be having on the child - as I am sure part of this stress is passed on to the child. For instance, the child is soothed by the steady beat of it's mother's heart - if her heartbeat is erratic due to such stress then that will likely be distressing for the child.

Children bring a tremendous amount of love with them, and often a major shift in attitude of the parents and those around them - where the focus is not on the parents concerns but on the wellbeing of the child. We already see a shift in attitude in the mother to be, and this is a good sign.

Perhaps the most important thing you can do right now, especially if this is your child and there is a natural desire to put the child first, is do what you can to keep her feeling calm. It's not long until the birth of the baby, and understandably, if it is your child or you want to be the father of the child regardless, you would like to be the one there cutting the cord - I can understand that completely. However, right now the focus HAS to be keeping her calm and collected, and keeping her focused on the positive wonder that is ahead of her - for the babies sake.

As to why she wants to get money or whatever out of the other guy - I take it he must be relatively monied up. This could be her nesting and security instinct in overdrive. However, she may be not thinking too straight on that one at the minute. It's not right to get money out of someone if they are not the dad - and she could be faced with paying money back if she officiates him as the dad, get's child support, and it comes out that he is not the dad. Of course, if he is the dad and she comes out and tells him about you and her, then that's not a brilliant outcome either. If she is willing, perhaps you could have a paternity test after the baby is born, without him knowing about it beforehand, and if it comes back positive then you can do something about it then. Not the most honest way to deal with things, but this is not the easiest of situations.

There is time to resolve parental issues after the child is born and even if you can't be there at the birth, that child still has a lifetime ahead of it when you can be there, if everything works out okay. Being a consistent and reliable dad is the main thing. Of course, you will be able to have a look at the child after it is born and if it looks a lot like you, then it will be pretty obvious to everyone what the story is - but this is not always easy to tell.

I feel for you buddy. This is such a difficult situation and I really hope everything works out well.

[retrodon73]

LiliRose/JoJo
Cheers for the replies.
I believe she would benefit tremendously from counselling, she has said at times "if there's only someone I could talk who wasn't involved...", it must be so difficult, she really doesn't confide in anyone (apart from me) which means she receives no advice, good or bad.
With regards to the other guy, he isn't particularly monied up but the £260 a week he picks up, half of it goes on booze and the bookies, and naturally she resents that, whereas my financial situation is slightly more complicated - things are quite tight at the moment but I have offshore investments that will start to bear a lot of fruit by the year end. Her nesting instinct is as puzzling as the whole situation... he doesn't seem that bothered and hasn't actually made anything other than enquiries to them renting a place together, she has told me rather than stay with her parents, she wants to rent a small house nearby by herself - but daren't tell her parents! I have got her the correct to set the wheels in motion regarding housing benefit etc, but she yet to fill them in. I live in my own 3-bedroomed semi, a nice house apart from the usual male bachelor-pad clutter, and have told suggested that she could move in, but she is saying at the mo she wouldn't want to impose her baby on me....
The real problem at the moment is that if she can't talk to any of her nearest and dearest at all - which she won't cos "they won't understand". Am I right in thinking that all this secretive sneaking about (I know people who are good friends with her sister) will inevitably end with being rumbled anyway?
Does you think that she daren't broach the topic of leaving him etc in case people ask the unaskable? (ie paternity?)

I know that the most important thing at the moment is the health of the baby, but none of this tension can be doing it any good. On a postive note, she has said often that "she can feel the baby is comfortable around me cos when I'm around it can feel the harmony".....

[jojo22]

[retrodon73]

...well we've been conducting our "affair" for 3 months now. Recently though, after her battery running low on her mobile, she's been using mine to txt or ring him (saying "it's her friends"), and even the other night got him to ring my house phone ("at my grandma's tonight")...
...does anyone else think she's playing a dangerous game, perhaps subconsciously tempting fate that everything will be forced out in the open?
I know this other blokes a bit dopey (he MUST be), but isn't giving my nubers to him (even under the pretence they're someone elses) a bit weird?

[jojo22]

Hey Chris,

Just a quick note to say I got your message - I'm sending this from work - and I shouldn't be here when working - it might take a few days to get back to you as we had some electrical problems the other day and it wiped out the motherboard on our home computer - have lots of questions for ya - will be in touch once I have a functioning home computer again,

Jo