Hubby falls asleep on sofa

[k9trainingbiz]

My hubby and I have been married 11 years, and it is better than ever before in every aspect. I only have one problem - he falls asleep on the couch on a regular basis. He has insomnia badly and takes prescribed medicine to help him sleep, only it takes several hours to be effective. He won't go to bed when I do, and I have told him repeatedly that it upsets me when he spends the night on the sofa. He says he doesn't mind the sofa, in fact likes it, but promised to come to bed when he feels sleepy.

He repeatedly breaks this promise and I always wake up angry in the middle of the night and have trouble going back to sleep. Last night was the final straw. I went out and got him as usual and he came to bed, and then I told him to go out and sleep on the sofa. He was livid and actually called me a bitch. We NEVER call each other names; we always talk calmly about things. I am sick of repeated apologies and broken promises. Am I wrong? Was it wrong to do what I did? Please help!

[MarriedMom]

Hiya K9. Wow. It is amazing how you can see so much of yourself in others' problems sometimes. My husband does the exact same thing. He too is an insomniac (though he isn't on 'scripts for it) and since we've been together, he has always had a habit of falling asleep on the couch instead of coming to bed with me. It does upset me still to this day when he chooses to sleep on the couch rather than come to bed with me, but in all honesty, he's not doing it to piss me off. There are two reasons why he'll sack out on the couch.

#1. He works hard all day, stretches out on the couch, and then dozes off. Once my husband dozes off, he becomes a real bear when you try to wake him. When he is groggy, he doesn't hear anything. When I try to wake him, I get the standard, "I'll be there in a minute". But of course, he always just dozes off again and I am alone in bed. He told me once that he isn't doing it to piss me off or because he prefers the couch, he just is so out of it once he falls asleep he is "on another planet" and doesn't respond. Half the time, he doesn't even remember when I tried to get him to come to bed.

#2. My husband has a hard time sleeping soundly when there is someone touching him while he sleeps. I believe this has something to do with the fact that he is an insomniac, and also considering he was a bachelor for so long before he met me, he's not used to having to share his sleeping space with someone else. If my leg even grazes him while we are in bed, he squirms and has to reposition himself to get comfortable. I've made it a habit now when he is in bed to try my best to give him his space, but I must admit, it is really hard to do, especially when I'd love more than any thing to snug up next to him. Honestly, he can't help it, and being an insomniac makes it hard for him to be able to sleep soundly.

I've confronted my husband several times about why he sleeps on the couch. After several conversations on the topic, I have come to understand that it has NOTHING to do with him not wanting to be in bed with me. It's a mix of habit and of abnormal sleeping patterns. He doesn't have to share the couch with anyone, and it is much easier for him to sleep soundly on the couch. When this habit of his first started, I didn't understand why he was doing it and I told him how much it bothers me that my own husband can't share a bed with me, and that it is hard for me to sleep when he's not in bed. He never knew I was having trouble sleeping when he wasn't there. I assume you are the same as me... if you sense he isn't next to you in bed, you'll pop wide awake in the middle of the night, and the first thing you think is "Where the hell is he?!?!?" LOL There have been several restless nights for me as well, because I really do have a problem with sleeping soundly unless I do know he is in bed with me.

It's really a catch 22, because while I have trouble sleeping without him, he has trouble sleeping with me. I've learned to not take it personally, it all adds up to his abnormal sleeping habits, and I have nothing to be insecure about. He's not choosing to sleep on the couch because he doesn't want to be close to me, he just sleeps on the couch by accident, or so that he can be well rested the next day for work. He knows how much it bothers me, and I know how he struggles with sleep, so we have both been working on it together in a way that both of us are satisfied with the results. While it may be hard to accept at first, you've just got to realize that he can't help it, just as you can't help it when you can't sleep when he's not in bed with you.

Marriage is all about compromise. Yeah, you getting mad about it may not have been such a good thing, but it was a gut reaction from you being hurt. Just as him calling you a bitch was a gut reaction from him being hurt. I'm sure he didn't mean it and he was just lashing out at you because he felt under attack for something he honestly didn't mean to do. You two just need to discuss it more openly. Have you ever told him why it bothers you so much when he's not in bed? Maybe if he understood how his presence in bed helps you sleep more soundly, he would understand why you get so upset about it.

Okay, I've rambled AGAIN... lol. Good luck, talk about it, and try to just understand that it has nothing to do with you or how he feels about you, it's just him battling problems with a sleeping disorder.

Let me know how things work out for you. I'm sure we're not the only two on this forum that have ever had this problem.

MM

[k9trainingbiz]

Thanks, MM - I really thought I was alone on this one! We have talked about it numerous times, calmly and that's when he says he won't do it anymore. He is an incredibly sensitive and giving man, and sometimes I think I am SPOILED!

Anyway, he went to work this a.m., but turned around and came home because he just couldn't work and wanted us to talk about it. I almost fainted, this is a man who NEVER calls in sick. What a sweetheart!

We talked very nicely about it and apologized to each other. He said he would take his meds much earlier and go to bed when I do. I hope it works out, but if it doesn't, I'll be OK with it.

Thank you soooo much for replying - I think you give great advice!

[MarriedMom]

Thanks k9!

I really do appreciate it every time someone tells me they like my advice. I just had to respond to your post, because it hit so close to home.

I think it is great you both were able to talk it out. The fact that he called in to stay with you and sort it out proves that he knows it is hurting you, and that he isn't doing it to you for reasons that concern your relationship. He just simply gets a better snooze on the couch, and more than likely, he does like my hubby and crashes there, only to be in a sleepy stupor, which makes it hard for him to crawl into bed. LOL

I'm happy to hear you two talked it out, and just remember, patience and understanding between the two of you is the only way you can get to a resolution on this one. Sometimes, you have to put your emotions on the back burner so that you can get to the REAL root of the matter.

MM

[Pia]

K9 my does the same thing too! Ok sometimes it's on the floor after he's been working very hard and stress out. When he gets up later in the middle of the night he'll come to bed. I'm in the same club as you. Sounds like your man's a very thoughtful guy and loves you very much. I hope you won't let that bother you.

[Earl Purple]

I have been known to fall asleep on the couch too, and my sleeping pattern is also generally irregular. I don't suffer insomnia but do generally go to bed later than my wife (especially now, she is pregnant and goes to bed very very early). My most regular night to fall asleep on the couch is Friday night after a big meal when I often like to read a bit and just fall asleep. Sometimes also I fall asleep watching TV - perhaps there is something about couches that make them even easier to sleep on than beds.

If I do go to bed I will usually fall asleep but on rare occasions do feel sleepless. I will often read myself to sleep, even in bed.

[Goddess74]

wow, i been married now for 14 yrs now(got married young) well... i have the same problem but my hubby falls asleep on the couch because he works too damn much,or watches his late night sporting events...i keep telling him to slow it down abit before u give your self a heart attack, and what i hate most is that when i bring up a conversation about things that needs to be talked about...he has the balls to lol go to sleep....i say wtf !
you know sometimes i say to myself ...he shouldnt complain about things if he's not awake to see whats going on...i'll just do what i want to do ..when i feel like it...and when he wakes up ..say...oh you finally opend ur eyes! it about damn time.

[Sofie]

I've been known to do this a few times. (Mostly just after I came out of hospital New Year's Day) Can't really understnad anyone who goes to sleep with the TV. Saying that, I did this on Tuesday after. (However, I was unwell and had been up the previous night)