Lies, lies and more lies!

[EastCoastMom]

Hi, I'm not really sure where to begin, so I'll just start typing.

I found out last week, through a series of large and larger lies, culminating in a confession of "the whole truth," that my husband has been lying. A lot. About big things, mostly financial, for years.

We have a child who isn't quite 2 years old, and had been trying to have another child. I was pregnant and had a miscarriage, last week, perhaps due to the unbelievablbe amount of stress I've been under.

We live in an upscale, East Coast town, where we own a home (our first) which we bought more than a year ago, which I now find out we can't even really afford. Here is where the lies come in. My husband has been lying to me, for at least two years, about how much money he makes. I'm no fool (though I truly feel like one) and I handle much of the household daily finances. I cannot even begin to go into details about how he was hiding and producing money, but suffice it to say that it is a large sum I am discussing. He owes a lot of money now, to keep him out of trouble. He has cleaned out our stocks and IRA (all of which we'll pay penalties on next April) and my family has stepped up to bail us--him!--out further. Even with all of this money, I'm certain we'll lose the house, though I remain hopeful we'll be able to sell it for at least what we bought it for, if we can take a little time to try. He is looking for work (did I mention he lost his job too?) and I don't know how long it will take to find another.

And just when I thought the lies were finished, I opened a piece of his mail yesterday (this is a new development, me being the nosy wife, and is a direct result of him having betrayed my trust and jeopardized our family in this way). Anyway, I found out, through a letter in the mail, that while I left my baby with a friend to see my doctor about my miscarriage, he wasn't even at work, where he said he was. I still have no real straight answer as to what, exactly, he was doing while my doctor was telling me that the baby inside me was dying. So far, none of these lies seem to uncover any sexual infidelity (the financial infidelity is plenty without adding that into the mix) though I wouldn't, at this point, be surprised.

I have heard from those who have been through it, that divorce is to be avoided when at all possible. So what to do? I feel like I'm having a heart attack every 48 hours when some new, enormous lie is uncovered. I'm trying as hard as I can to keep myself together for my child (I'm a stay-at-home mom). I have no family in the area. Last week, I scraped together a few hundred dollars and opened a seperate bank account because...well, because it just seemed like a smart thing to do.

What can be done about a man who looks you in the eye and says "I'm not lying" when that is exactly what he's doing? Can this marriage be saved? I just want to do what is best for my child. Any real, serious advice is welcome.

Thanks ladies.

[The Colonel]

So you married him for his money?

Why don't you go out and get a job?

He'd be better off without you.

[Guest]

So you condone him lying do you Colonel? You heartless condescending piece of tripe.

She just explained the situation. At no point did she portry herself as being greedy. She has just found out he has run them into the ground. Her and their children. If that's the type of mane he is then SHE is better off without HIM.

Protect yourself my dear. You and your children come first. If he is too much of a coward to face up to reality and isnt prepared to work this out you may need to walk away. It will be hard but living the way you are does you or your children no favours what so ever.

I wish you luck and hope that you can both solve the issues at hand. If it doesnt happen you will cope!

[EastCoastMom]

No, I certainly did not marry him for his money. We both had good jobs when we met and saved and saved to buy a home. I'm not even sure if I should bother acknowledging "The Colonel's" nastiness.

In any case, I married him for love, and we've been through tough times before, emotional and financial, and stayed together for love. Let me spell it out: He has been stealing. Lying and stealing. He has jeopardized our family in so many ways. I am trying to determine whether there is any truth in him, any reason to try to save this marriage, or if, as the . Guest gently suggested, we are better off without him. Every day or so, a new lie is uncovered, including the fact that he completely liquidated all of our assests--IRA, stock, everything that we had saved together--without telling me, to pay off his debt. And debt remains, even after cleaning us out, so my family has stepped up to pay off the rest, as they feel it is in the best interest of my child to help him get back on his feet, get out of trouble, and get a new job.

I simply don't know how to trust him again. Am I a fool to think I ever could? Is this what the end of a marriage feels like?

Please, if you feel like saying something nasty, keep it to yourself. I'm hanging on by a thread here.

[Guest]

As you probably already know, many couples are having a hard time trying to makie ends meet with the current economic downturn, particularly in the high cost of living areas in the upscale towns of the United States. Couples have to pull together to survive this economic downturn. Your situation is compounded by the breakdown in communication between you and your husband. At this point you are likely to question anything he says, no matter what subject he is talking about. Before you can do much about your funancial problems you need to reestablish trusting communication with your husband. Given the circumstances, this will be difficult at best. The two of you need to talk with a marreiage counselor to get back to the point where you can communicate with each other. If your husband is not wiling to go with you to a counselor, go alone. You need someone who can objectively help you plan a couse of action, if not for you and your husband, then for you and your child.

As for divorce, I would not puruse it at this point, but I would not rule it out either. Again, talk with a counselor first and decide on a course of action. That course may or may not invovle divorce.

Good luck.

[Verve]

[Sharon den Adel]

^ Oh bugger off, would you? She asked for advice and you blame her. Get a life.

[Guest]

ECM, what does your husband say about all the lies? Is he remorseful? Trying to cover for himself?

[Verve]

[EastCoastMom]

Yes, he does seem remorseful, which is one of the reasons that I'm still here.

Regarding all the nonsense from "Verve," I don't know how much clearer I can make myself. My husband has been stealing. Embezlement. It's a crime. When I say my family has stepped up to keep him out of trouble, I literally mean him. And when I say trouble, I mean jail. I've done nothing wrong here, except trust my husband. I don't feel the need to defend myself against those who by ignorance or simple meanness want to attack me. I simply want to clarify.

I had no idea he was doing this. In my handling (yes I mean my) of our household finances, I deal with our joint account, where his salary is deposited directly. He has been maintaining a seperate account to which I have no access, where he has been hiding money and lying to me about where the money came from.

What I need to know is can a marriage survive this kind of betrayal? I'm less concerned about the financial aspect of this, since we'll have to survive it somehow as we have a child to care for. We simply have no choice other than to weather this storm. Assuming he stays out of jail, I am wondering if I'm a fool to consider trying to rebuild the trust.

He seems remorseful and very sad, but he's been doing this and lying to me for years. I'm not sure how to move forward.

[Who?]

Tread carefully. The biggest issue is trust - or lack of. These are serious lies and you know it'll be hard to believe anything he says to you again.

You have to decide whether you can carry on living without trust. It seems to be making you ill so I'm guessing you can't.

Try to sort the finances first then take good hard look at your marriage.

I wish you luck...

[Verve]

[Guest]

You married Verve? Get the idea of partnership? Sharing? Building a life together? T o g e t h e r ????

Her husband lies and steals and puts his family in jeopardy and you tell her to go get a job like that's the issue??? She can figure out that need on her own. She's asking about rebuilding trust in a marriage.

As far as rebuilding. I've seen it. It can happen.

[Verve]

[EastCoastMom]

It is true that the practicalities of this situation (i.e. the financials) take precidence right now. I'm fully aware of this and have been handling things in this way. I have money set aside to provide us with food, shelter, etc. for a finite period of time. I have, independently, budgeted the next few months down to the very penny. We have two cars, so I am already working on selling one. I assure you I am aware of these issues. I came here as a place to work out what is going on in my heart and head because I can't work these things out in my marriage right now. There is too much else on the table. I told my husband I don't even want to discuss the status of our marriage until we begin to sort this other mess out. But that doesn't stop my feelings of hurt and betrayal. So I came here simply to express that. And look for some input.

I do think it is strange, some of the assumptions that are being made about me and my motivations. Why does anyone assume that I couldn't wait to stop working and sit around my house on my bum all day? Perhaps I had a terrific job that I loved very much in a demanding and fast paced industry. Perhaps I was on track for a promotion. And perhaps, because of the way that I was raised, that is, without constant and trustworthy child care, I made a choice to sacrifice my career to raise my child in the best environment I could.

And as far as my husband's motivations for doing what he has done, I find it strange that this is automatically laid at my doorstep as well. When I gave up my job, I gave up the luxuries (however small) that the job afforded me. And happily. Because it meant that I could raise my child. It is my husband who has clearly had difficulties adjusting to the new financial picture. I buy my clothes at Target (which is absolutely fine with me!). He wears Gucci and Armani. He's the one who wouldn't give up the fancy German car. He's the one with the $8000 watch. He didn't do this for me, or for his child. Not completely, anyway. I am always the one looking for the bargin and trying to save, rather than throwing money away on things we don't need. We didn't even have to buy a house when we did. I grew up with very little, raised by a single mother. I know all about frugality and sacrifice.

As far as finding a job myself, of course that's part of the picture. But it isn't that simple. I could go back to the industry I left, but that requires a long commute from our current location and long, intense work days. I would be gone about 13 hours a day, on average. My lovely neighbor who watched my child won't be able to cover that for me. She has three kids of her own, the youngest of which are 13 month old twins. I don't have any family in the area and day care out here is expensive. The cheapest I have been able to identify so far is $1400 a month for nine hour days, with added fees for longer hours. These are not excuses, they are facts. Part time work is almost out of the question, simply because it would only pay enough to cover the child care costs. Going back to work will require a full time, not part time commitment. Finding a job like the one I would need to do this on my own, out here, takes time. It can be done, but other questions need to be answered first.

Which kind of brings me back to my original question, the one of broken trust. I could, if I think my marriage is over, pack up myself and my child and drive 10 hours to where my family lives and find a job there, allowing them to help me with child care. This is surely a more practical choice since every penny I earn could be put toward rebuilding a life for me and my child, rather than throwing at least a third out the window for daycare. (Don't forget, however you slice it, I'm coming out of this with a lot of debt myself, because of what he did, which I will have to work my way out of, with or without him.) But I don't know if I'm ready to take this step, leaving I mean. It's a serious thing to take a child from a parent. And legally, if we divorce, he could require me to stay in state so we can share custody. Which would really put us in a spot.

The reality is--and this is why the issue of broken trust is central--that when one marries and starts a family, one builds a life and makes choices--all kinds of choices--based on trust. That's simply how marriage works. And in this case, I was lied to. I was duped. And I need to find how to pick up the pieces for my child. I am neither lazy nor greedy. Nor am I impractical. I'm simply trying to wrap my head around what has happened and make some kind of logical, calm choices for myself and my child, rather than run willy-nilly in ten directions at once without making a plan.

Thanks to those with opinions on the trust issue. It is an enormous decision to dismantle a life.