Love Actually ....

[WagenMan]

Love, what a bizarre concept.

Pleasure, pain, happiness, dispair...
You give it, recieve it... you can even take it for granted.
It can at once make you so fullfilled and a day later leave horrible seemingly unhealable scars on you.

If Money is the root of all evil, Love must be the root of everything else.

I stopped by today to tell you a story. My story (and it's not over yet).

Laura is her name. In a sea of women she stands out like a beacon of light. For me anyway. She is funny, intelligent, generous and just the right amount of crazy. We both filled each others "requirements" list to a T. We met at Subway during lunch....and it began....It was magical and crazy and wonderfull just like beginings are supposed to be. We both had a lot of fun.

Lets skip ahead to 5 months of dating. We are really comfortable with eachother now and I've said the L word for the first time and she reciprocated. For some inexplicable reason at this point, I took a dive mentally and began to rebel against what seemed an inevitable union. I became distant and emotionally unavailable. Slowly, passively deadening the relationship over the course of about three weeks. Suddenly I was completely resistant to the thought of being "in love" again. Don't quote me, this is just the best explanation I can come up with to explain my insanity.

*Emotional Background Info* Coming from a divorce only 3 years ago, everything in me said I didn't want to ever get married again - or have to answer to anyone or worry about hurting their feelings....etc. The ex was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. She betrayed me(more than once) and damaged both of our vehicles drinking and driving. By the time I made the decision to leave - I had already submitted myself to 10 long years of abuse and codependancy. I was embittered and broken. Leaving her also ironically coincided with my father passing away and voluntarily leaving my job to take custody of my children and move them from Florida to Texas so my family could help me care for them and provide support. This led to about 10 months of unemployment as well. Needless to say I went through some trying times.

Back to the story - So after one final weekend of not seeing eachother and one final conversation Sunday where it was like... "ok, so I guess thats it." followed by a long awkward silence. It was over. It was amicable and no one had done anything wrong or bad. There were no bad feelings, just hurt ones.

That night I laid awake trying to figure out why I didn't feel right. Something wasn't right. What was this pain? I tried to shake it off and told myself that if I just fall asleep, everything would be alright tommorow. All I could think about was going straight over to her house.......what was I going to say, I wasn't sure.

I laid there though...By morning it had only gotton worse. I had to get the kids ready for school and when I had a moment, I sat at my desk and stared at the screen. It all became clear to me. I realized what I had done and now I had to make it right. I'd made a huge mistake and for all the wrong reasons.

I spent that morning at work trying to figure out just what exactly I was going to do. I called her and asked why was it we weren't going to be seeing eachother any more because I wasn't quite sure that I knew. I managed to write a song in my head, to a blues rythym and decided I would try to catch her at lunch and tell her what I was feeling. She was at home, I stopped and in talking, we both agreed that what we had was the best relationship ever for both of us. It took me a few minutes to work up the balls to actually sing....but I did it. We talked for a little bit and to summarize, I apologized and told her I wanted her back and that I wasn't going to give up easy.

We talked again that night, at lunch Tuesday and I spent the evening with her Wednesday also. Talking about what happened, talking about all of her objections - of which there are now many - lots of reasons she keeps coming up with why it won't work out. A total reversal from her mentality only a month ago. I told her I wasn't falling for any of it - and it was all just a defense mechanism. Understandibly so. Don't imagine any of the conversations that happened in the last three days with any negative thoughts, they have all been pleasant if not humorous and filled with laughter. We both have a great sense of humor and I can make her laugh like no one else. Watching her laugh is great, she is so beautiful.

I should be thankful to her for letting me be around lately, I should be thankful she's at least lets me talk to her. I'll remember that. It all points to a chance at starting over. I know I am going to have to fight for it though and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So here I am today, trying to concentrate on getting her back, and not being desparate or needy. I want her back but it is measured and it is controlled. I won't debase myself and beg. I won't give up who I am or my self respect. What girl would be attracted to a man like that?

I'm ready to accept her decision if she says it's over. I will turn and walk away and do my best to analyze and learn what I can from the relationship. After I scrape my heart up off the ground that is.

Until further notice however, I'm on a mission, and it's all about sappy lovey dovey smoochy silly rainbows and butterflys - Love.

I thought I never wanted to be a part of it again, I thought I would never give in to it again. Love happens when you least expect it.

Love Actually IS all around.

John