Difficulties with a mixed race relationship

Emmalou · Hello. I am New! Talk to Me Joined: 18 Jan 2005 Posts: 1

I am currently in a very loving relationship with a hindu man. I am a white woman with no fixed religion. We have got to the stage where his parents have been told about me but they have reacted badly and currently are not approving. At the moment he has to lie about where he is when he is with me. We are planning to move in together in two months and it will be then that the real reaction will come. To try and counteract this I have been learning Gujurati and have brought several books to try and learn about the culture. He assures me that he is prepared to lose contact with some or all of his family to maintain our relationship but in all honesty I am not sure he really knows what he is up against and therefore can't prepare me for what may be ahead. My biggest fear is that he won't be able to go through the problems with his family and will end up ending our relationship. I am most interested in anyone that may have gone through a similar situation or anyone from a traditionally hindu family that may be able to give an opinion on what it may mean if it was happening in there own family.

bella · Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 6:27 pm Post subject:

Hi,

I was in a mixed race relationship with an Indian guy many years ago. It all went really well until he told his family and they completely flipped. I also had a lot of trouble with my own family and to be honest we had to cut ties with all of them. In the end he turned out to be a really horrid person and after a night out he beat me up and left me unconcious in the street so that was the end of that and as it turned out my family were right about him all along. To be honest the only way that this can really work is if you and him are prepared to go it alone without his family.

sammie2173 · Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:45 pm Post subject:

Em.....

My heart really goes out to you cause any relationship is normally up against something or other - let alone a different race/religion. But I had many friends that were of that relgion and they had girlfirends of a different religion. There were so many secrets and devious meetings that it made their relationships somehow superficial and sordid. Dont get me wrong - it wasnt by any means....but with all the stress of the family etc...it was kinda hard to actually concentrate on the relationship itself.
Some families take their religion so seriously, that they end up doing some crazy things - as well as wrting that person off from the family!

I think you are aware of this..and if you have both thought about this seriously and all the consequenses, then I wish you both every happiness... Wink

Scrumpy · Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 1:14 pm Post subject:

I am a white woman (atheist) who lived with an Indian (Sikh) for 5 years. We were deeply in love and I would have done anything for him....but while I was open with my family (they disowned me) he kept me secret from his.
When he went home to visit I couldn't ring him. I couldn't post a birthday card. I had to hide all my belongings if they wanted to visit him. I lived in suitcases, always hidden. A sordid secret.
For years he promised that when he left medical school he would tell them and we would get married. There was always an excuse. When my sister is married, once my brother is 18, when my mum isn't ill etc etc
To make myself less unpalatable to them I was prepared to change my religion, learn Punjabi. ANYTHING.
In the end....he left me. When it came to the crunch he could not bear the thought of losing his family, and not only that but the ongoing effect it would have on them...incliding being ostracised from their community.
He said he would bring shame on his parents, prevent his sister making a good marriage and the ramifications would spread out like ripples on a pond.
I thought I would die, but I didn't. I met the man who is now my husband and we've been together 14 years. I have gradually repaired the relationship with my family but things will never be the same.
A relationship shouldn't be a constant struggle. His lying to them is a sign of his weakness. He is doing what my boyfriend did and I feel he will let you down in the end. I don't know him, but it sounds so familiar.
If he can't stand up to them now, I'm not convinced he ever will. He is an accomplished liar.
I thought that the longer we were together the better the chances my boyfriend would tell them the truth, but he found it harder and harder to break the web of lies. To come clean about years of deceit.
In the end it was easier to walk away from me....and leave me homeless, friendless and without a family to turn to I might add.
Even if your BF doesn't...the lies, and family disapproval will eat away at your relationship gradually eroding it. Knowing what I do now, I can tell you that they'll never accept you. You'll always be the outsider. The shameful secret.
Is that what you want?