Mothers without custody

[brokenhearted]

I feel for each and every mother that has lost their children. My situation is alittle different but yet the same. I had my first child at the age of 17 still yet a child myself here I am at 42 4 children the youngest 15. I divorced their father when my youngest was 1 year old. He was suppose to have every other wkend visitation but after 2 months of that he just started calling and telling me "you wanted this so now you deal with it" after a year of my oldest son not spending alot of time with his father, his behavior was going crazy and he came up with a solution. "Mom, I know that I can see you whenever I want". "I want to live with Dad so I can see him". Well no way was I going to send one of my kids off. I said no, but the behavior just got worse. I would get a call from his school EVERY day. I finally gave in. Cutting to the chase he went to live with his dad. When he turned 18 (2 years ago) he came to live with me. He hated his dad's girlfriend, and he said he never felt like he was part of the family. He also hated the fact the his dad and his girlfriend did "crack". Well the grass is not always greener on the other side. I soon found out he had alittle problem himself, drinking and prescription drugs. I only had his best interest at hand and because his dad allowed him to run wild growing up, I felt I needed to be more of a disciplinary. Well that did not work, and he ran back home to dad. Things did not work out again by his dad so he was back again. He got a job and I talked with him about his drinking and drug problem. He said he wanted help. Not 2 days later did I discover that every bottle of booze (which I rarely drink) was gone, every ounce of alcohol was gone from the house. I realize now that I should have dumped it out after our talk, but I could not go back. I was upset with him and yelled at him. He went running home to dad again, only little did I know he had a plan for me. Now I want to remind you that my two younger sons (16, & 15) have had very very little contact with their dad, I never bashed him, I really never said much until last October when I knew that I needed to talk their dad back to court for more child support. (I was getting 44.00/week, I carried the health Ins which was 350.00/mo and I paid the non covered.) I had to sit them down and talk to them because their dad is money driven and I knew that once I did this he would never talk to me or them again. Neither of them cared if I took him back to court. I urged my boys to be honest with me because if it meant anything to them I would not do it. I took him back and in the court room (we agreed on a higher amt before court) he pointed his finger at me and said if you ever do this again I will never speak to you or the boys ever again. I grabbed that agreement so fast and told him the deal was off and I let the court decide the support. He stuck with his word never called since, until the 20 year old went back to dad for the second time, somehow he got to the 2 youngest. Last week Sunday I came home to the 3 boys whispering and I felt totally uncomfortable, somehow it just flew out of my mouth that they wanted to go by their dad, and I was right. Last night the last of my children moved to their dads house. I can not believe this. The 3 of us were so close and within a week we are estranged. I have never felt so betrayed in my life. I was always a strong person I raised 3 kids by myself. I can understand if they want time to get to know their dad, I don't have an issue with that. I got 1 week's notice. I don't really feel that I am being selfish because I did let them go. I feel betrayed because none of them showed any kind of compasion for me. The person that was always there for them, now noone is there for me. I try to think of positive things but each positive comes a negative. Such as, "Oh my grocery bill is going to be sooooo much cheaper" yea well now I am eating alone, I'd rather pay the money. "My house will stay clean now, oh but I miss all those socks, and underwear laying all over the place". I know this is all new to me and I know that in 3 years my youngest will be of age and all of this would have been happening some day anyway, I just do not like how it went down.

[Custodial Dad]

I am probably not the one that should be replying here but I agree with most of you but not all. Some of you have been shafted from one end to the next. However I would like to tell my short story of my situation. My girlfriend of 4 years left me for one of my friends when my daughter was 1 year old. I was crushed, was ready to settle in and make a life for my family. Unfortunately she used my daughter as a pawn for money. My daughter and I have always been very close. Including the midnite feedings diaper changes and so on. After 5 years of her living with her mom and paying 100 hundred dollars a week in child support her mother decided as well as a doctor and pschologist that she would be better off living with dad. Mom agreed and so it was so. After 6 years of her living with me she is healthy, happy, good student, and well liked. Her mother often cancels visitations, school functions, and drops her off early when she does see her. Her mother has never paid a dime in child support payments. I filed a motion to the court to modify the court order for her mom to pay something in child support. In turn she files a motion that the court give her back custody not even 5 days after receiving the notice that I filed. This has extremely upset my daughter to the point that she does not want to be with her mom in fear that she won't bring her home. I have paid all expenses and when I ask for help on some of the out of pocket things I usually get a "i'll get it to you" and never see it. I am in fear of the damage this is causing between my daughter and mom, in an already touchy situation. I could go on about this probably forever but I guess what I am saying is that some of us dads are not the evil, but really are better for the bringing up of our kids. Sorry for including myself here but I do support all of you, besides its not for us its for the love of our children!

[xjoannex]

i think it works both ways not every mum has cusdoy of the children it depends on the person

[BORAH]

I am 4o yrs old and still going through the divorce process after 3yrs. We have 2 sons involved 14 & 11. Their father believes he is above the law. He owes back support of 30k that I will never see because the order was made on the first case which has since been disposed. He lies in court saying he only makes 60k a year when I can prove he makes more then 150k a year. I am sooooo tired. The children suffer because he wants to see me destitute living in poverty and if that is with our children oh well. He works for himself and the businesses gererally operate with cash only. I am at the point where I told my children should they decide to live with their dad I would be ok with that. They are aware of what is going on and how their father is playing with our lives. I really don't want him to have custody but is it fair for our children to have to go without and live a lifestyle they aren't used to just to be with me? The thought of not seeing my children daily is pure torture and pain.

[mom in canada]

I am in a messy situation as well,I had custody of my children After he left us, I met another man 3 years after the fact, Never in my wildest dreams did i expect abuse, In order to protect my children, because the man turned out to be stalking me, I decided that my children would be safe with their father, We agreed that it was only temporay until i could get my stuff together and that he wanted me to give him full custody, I was advise not too give full custody but i did anyways thinking of my kids, As it turns out i had to move out of the city to live with family to get away from this man,that was stalking me, It has been 2 years and at first all was well every other weekend i was slipping into town to grab my kids and bring them back with me , to where i was residing, I didnt like this, as it is a expensive way to live, My ex met a woman and she has 2 kids from her previous marriage, She has made mine and the kids lifes a living hell, I have never hurt my kids , done nothing but protect them and she has my ex saying i cant see the kids unless i got to their city, I dont feel safe there, and now my kids are suffering, I am not allowed to bring the children back to my residence , and can only see them when its convient for them , 4 hr vists, day vists etc, what can i do , i am interested in finding out what i can do now please help

[Guest]

[suie]

Wow it seems I'm not the only one. All though very embarassed
I gave my son to his father almost 3 years ago and now more than ever fighting to get him back now.
My life revovles around my son He is the only man I need in my life.
He is turning 5 in December I had him when I was 15 years old.
At the time I was working at a strip club.
The hours were very hard I had no one to help me with him and one day I woke up and decided to just give him up that easy.
I was very stressed trying to keep up with my bills to put a roof over his head and I just gave up I feel very worthless most of the time. Everyday he is on mine mind, and knowing how bad I messed up. The deal was for his father to have him until I get on my feet and as you know he did'nt give him back. I have my own apartment now. Im trying to get him back.



You Don't Know What You Have Till You Lost It....
I Feel for all the women out there and wish them lots of luck trying to get thier children back........

[confused_1]

Yep in the eyes of the German courts that's me! I was the bread winner and because of that I lost custody of my 2 boys. Never marry a German - because they have the law on their side regardless of what's good for the children. I am now back in GB. I arranged a holiday for my boys but their father had some money issues and wouldn't let me have them. He doesn't work(sorry I'll correct that - he's a fulltime Dad at home) and I pay his maintenance as well as the kids. I can't seem to get advice over here because noone knows who to turn to and solicitors charge the earth.

[Lost up north]

I am a 36 year old mother of 3 girls 8,7 and 5. We are from the city, but took a leap of faith and moved up north with my ex's family and bought a business. I soon realized I didn't want to be with him and left him 2 years later with full intent of having the girls move back to the city with me. I have battled anxiety and depression since a bad car accident in 1992, so my original plan of having the girls failed because I couldn't imagine trying to work full time, and take care of them alone in the city. I was not emotionally stable, and couldn't find stable work because of my limited education, and the fact that I was home with the girls for 5 years, my social skills were lost. He had alot more support from his family, and the area up there was beautiful and the school was better, so I decided to have the girls stay up north with him. I see them on all the holidays and 6 weeks in the summer and 3 weekends of the month through the school year, but I still feel it isn't enough. I moved from the city 2 hours north to be closer to them, and have no friends or family here, but did it because I wanted to be closer to them, and make the commute much shorter. He now has a new girlfriend and she has 2 children so they all live together now. I have a very supportive and loving boyfriend to encourage me I did the right thing at the time, but I feel guilty every second and wonder when the pain will stop. My oldest doesn't always want to see me on our visits now, and I am wondering if it is because she feels I gave up. I hope for their happiness, but also mine. Forever guilty ...

[Fighting for my Babies]

Hi my name is Misty * me and my husband both were in the Army. That is where we met. After we finished our time, we both decided to move to South Dakota. ( My BIGGEST ) Mistake. Anyways. We were married almost 3 years when recently I was in the hospital . I found out I was Bipolar. And he up and sent me divorce papers. It broke my heart. So then I found out that he moved and left with all of my things out of our house into an apartment. Little to say I couldn't take the girls out of the state until we have a hearing and I have no family out there, so I had to move back here to W.VA with my family. I cry every night. And the sad thing is, that the 2 1/2 year old is not biolicaly his. But I have to fight for her anyways by the S.D laws. But You better believe I will NEVER EVER just give his A** my kids. NO way. When I talk to my 2 1/2 year old on the phone she says, Mommy I go home with you. i just tell her I know you will. The other one is 1. I will never stop fighting. !!!!!! [/list]

[Fighting for my babies]

I also never would have thought he would up and leave me when I found out that I was Bipolar !!!! I mean who does that? I would Have at least tried to make it work. That just wasn't him. So to all the mom's that I read that have just GAVE their babies up, PLEASE PLEASE try and get them back. I think the kids belong with the mother unless it is an unfit situation. I know my babies deff. Belong with me. I am so nervous to go to court. But that is because I have never really been. LOL But it is to get my little girls back. I will pray for everyone, and their situations. PLease never give up !!!!!!!!!!![/list][/b]

[mis melissa]

I have had my kids taken away by my ex-husband 3 years ago an I am trying to get my life back togeather so that i can get them back I have had a stable home for a year....but when me an my ex got seperated he told me he would not make me pay child support but as soon as the divorce was final i had to pay no matter what I am afraid i am going to go to jail. He is a jerk an now has another kid by some other girl an they r not togeather either....I am behind in child suppor but he don't care he is a jerk an wont drop some of the reariages so all the women that are going thru what i am i know how u feel.

MKP

[jul_mitch]

Is there any other forums that any one has heard of where mothers like us can support each other and talk?

[mummy]

I was looking on the web in the hope to find support from mum's in similar situations and organisations who might help me.

I lost custody, not deliberatly, in the divorce battle. I was diagnosed a couple of years before with bipolar disorder and my ex used/uses that as if I'm a treat to my own child. The divorce took place at the time I had no job, house, regular income...so the decision was easily taken in court.

I proved stability in the last 3 years with the same job, living in uk in order to see my daughter every fortnight but it is hard to find the right people to put me on track to have more access to my child. She is now 10 and tells me and her dad that she wishes to spend more time with me. She tells me that he then replies that I'm mad in my head and therefore unable to look after her.

[jul_mitch]

Your situation, though very different to my own, has some similarities. I do feel for you. I know what it is like to have an ex-husband that fills the childs mind with inappropriate information to try to allianate that child from the mother. It seems like its a male thing to do. I will never understand why the father believes the mother is not required or should not be loved as much as he himself should be. I believe they hold themseves up to be something of a martyre because they have the children. They do not seem able to understand that we love our children as much as any mother that has custody. We are most definately in the minority and have little support from other mothers because they cannot understand. My ex-husband's partner told my children that I must be a bad mother because I left them. She said she would rather take her child onto the streets to beg with her than be whithout him ( her son ).

No story is that straightforward, as we know.

I have every sympathy with you. good luck.

Julie