my b/f's parents r using me as a go between any advice?

Guest

Im 19 and my b/f of over a year is 19 we live an hour away from each other and both live at home, my b/fs parents split up 2 years ago, my b/fs dad is in a lot of debt and spends all his evenings and money down the pub, he has loads of credit cards and just spends spends spends on rubbish, last year my b/f and his sister went without xmas prezzies while his dad brought his female boss a £100 necklace.

This puts real pressure on our relationship as my b/fs dad stole over a £100 and my b/f has to now sell his car as he cant afford it and because he has to keep helping his dad out, other wise they will loose the house, and have no where to live.

I often visit my b/fs mum with my b/f and while im there she seems to go out of her way to tell me what a nasty piece of work my b/fs dad is how hes messed up my b/fs life even tho his dad throw her out because she was so drunk she hit my b/fs sister so hard witha object it could have killed her. they both drink heavily and my b/f loves both his parents very much.

we want to get married 1 day but im dreading the throught of it as they cant stand to be in the same room as each other, i want all the family there but my b/fs sister doesnt talk to her mum beacuse of whats happened.

ive also talked to his dad about the money problems but it hasnt had any effect and i hate going over to my b/fs house as no1 talks to each other and its horribal.

any advice on what i can do to help?? [/b]

Guest · Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2004 10:42 am Post subject:

does any1 have any advice for me plz? it would really help thanx i appreciate it xx

guimei · Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2004 7:40 am Post subject:

You are only 19 and shouldn't have to council your mans parents! They obviously can't look after themselves. Maybe you should suggest the two of them seek some sort of councilling (seperately of course) Dad- for the money management, and Mum for the alchohol abuse, this is not your problem, I promise.

Guest · Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2004 10:11 am Post subject:

thankyou very much for your reply at last some1 has listened to my problem, i know its not my problem, just wanna help befre they loose the house they owe sooo much money, i wrote down a few questions 4 my b/fs and he had to answear them, he said on a scale of 1-10 1 being the lowest and 10 being g8, he said the situation was a 1, and he said he would like a better relationship with his dad.

so next time im going round there we r all going to sit down and talk im only going to b there because my b/f feels he will b stronger and can talk about things that he couldnt normally.

thankyou very much for ur reply and if u have any more advice plz let me know its much appreciated. x

guimei · Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2004 7:59 am Post subject:

There are a couple more things I feel I want to say. It does sound as though things are getting sorted out a little, but I still don't think it's such a good thing for you to be involved. In situations like this emotions are high and it's very possible that either of his parents will turn the blame on you if things aren't going their way. I know you want to support your bloke and that's cool, I respect that, but you have to be so careful about this kind of thing. That's why I suggested they should go get some professional help. Then at least the blame for anything can't be pointed at you. Plus don't forget, at the moment you are only the girlfriend to your mans parents, they may see you as just a temporary thing. If you really want to have a fututre with your man, try to stay as nonbiased as possible! Confused

Guest · Posted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 12:34 pm Post subject:

This is going to sound very harsh but as far as both the money and drinking problems go you maybe need to withdraw all help so that they hit rock bottom. It is only then that people with addicitions (spending can be an addiction too) realise the mess that they are in and seek help.

In some ways your b/f, by helping financially, is actually prolonging the inevitable and through the help he gives allowing his father to carry on the manic spending without consequence.

I would say that you and your b/f should urge his parents to seek profesional help. The citizens advice bureau (your local branch will be listed in the yellow pages) is an excellant place to start with regard to the financial problems, and you could even speak to the CAB on his parents behalf to get some facts before you spoke with his parents. As for their drinking I suggest you, your b/f and his sis speak with AlAnon [url]www.al-anonuk.org.uk [/url] who provide support for the families of people with alcohol related problems. His parents can both seek help from AA www.alcoholics-..org.uk 0845 769 7555.

It is unlikely that they will be willing to admit that they have any adiction problems but from your message it sounds pretty certain that they do. Ultimately, until they are willing to admit freely that they have a problem and that they need help you will be facing an uphill struggle which is why I say (and I know it sounds cruel) that they need to hit rock bottom. At the moment your boyfriends help and kindness only makes things worse and gives them the tools to continue with the spoending and drinking.

I will be thinking of you both.

Take care and let us know how things pan out.