Sex Etc

 I have this male friend-Rob. We met randomly when he tried to sleaze on me in a bar and I laughed out loud at his lame ‘I’ve been watching you all night and your beautiful’ line. We’ve been friends ever since. Anyway he infuriates me at the best of times but last Friday he really did wind me up.

We were out having lunch and he was telling me about his date the night before:

“Absoultely stunning! She was like a fucking dream come true, seriously. Legs up to her armpits and a cracking set of twins,” he explained in his usual ‘gentlemanly’ manner.

“Great,” I said, “So you seeing her again?”

“No way! She didn’t put out. Sod that.”

I almost choked on my cheese panini. “You what?”

“She didn’t put out. I’m not gonna hang around waiting when there are plenty more girls out there who will give it up on the first night.” he said. I couldn’t believe my ears. Is this really the way men think? As a general rule I like to wait at least two dates before I sleep with a new man- Ok so there have been the occasional one night stands I’d rather forget but generally sex on the first date is a no go. Am I just being an old fashioned prude?

This is exactly what I asked my friend Maisy later that night as we sunk some pre-night out glasses of wine. “Rob is just a wanker,” was her response. Maisy had hated Rob ever since he failed to call her after a drunken fondle in the back of a cab. “Men like him are all talk.”she said. But I disagree. I’ve seen him take home many women when the club closes and I’m pretty sure they aren’t going back to his for coffee and this is usually confirmed by a graphic account of what he got up to the next time I see him. So why do some people think it’s OK to have sex with a virtual stranger? Is it low self-esteem as dowdy old sex ed teachers would have us believe or are they merely just enjoying their sexual freedom?

Take my friend Louise for example. She didn’t lose her virginity until she was 19- which was practically prehistoric on the estate where I grew up- anyway as the TV ad says ‘Once she popped she couldn’t stop.’ She obviously got a taste for it and after a year she had already slept with 30 different men. Now that might make you think she was a bit of a slag but it really didn’t come across like that. She didn’t just go home with first drunken idiot who came grinding up behind her on the dancefloor. She made them work for it. You see Louise is one of those women who just oozes confidence. She can sit at a bar on her own and attract the attention of the hottest guy in a club without even trying. She has this air of sexiness that makes men feel they ‘need’ to win her over and they will buy her drinks, hold her coat, pay for her taxis and probably even kiss her feet until she gives in and pays them some attention back.

Anyway- back to the point- after she lost her virginity she enjoyed years of hassle free, no strings sex and didn’t feel remotely bad about it. “I get the affection and the hot sex I need, they get to sleep with me…everyone’s a winner and no one gets hurt,” she said. Fair enough I guess but doesn’t sleeping around ruin your chances of finding that special someone? Well Louise is living proof that isn’t the case. She met the love of her life in a nightclub, went home with him that night and after months of ‘no strings’ fun decided she liked the strings and they have been together ever since. In fact she was the first one of our group to get married and no she’s got a baby on the way. So it’s not necessarily true that sex on the first night means that there is no future.

My theory is there are two types of people in this world…those who can do ‘no strings’ one night stands and those who simply can’t and never the twine should meet. It’s OK for the Rob and Louise’s of this world to hook up and fuck about to their heart’s content because no one is getting hurt. But if a Maisy and a Rob get it on someone is bound to end up feeling bad. This doesn’t mean that you are destined to belong to one group for your whole life. There are times-say after a break up, or long sex drought- when you may stray over to the other side and the ‘no-stringers’ are perfectly capable of falling in love and hopping over to the world of the ’string’ lovers. But as a general rule of thumb for the dating world it’s best to stick to your own kind if you want an easy, heartache-free life.

Christmas is all about having fun and letting yourself go- well technically it’s about the birth of Jesus and all that- but you know what I mean. Anyway Christmas is also the one time every year when the people in your office see you for what you really are. Yes the office party really is an eye opener and there’s nothing like an office party fling to really open their eyes especially if,like my friend Jayne, you wake up next to the boss….who happens to be a woman!

Everyone gets it on with someone at work sometime in their lives. You spend most of your life in close contact with these people so it’s inevitable a bit of extra-curricular hanky panky will take place in the end. It all makes a day’s work go a little bit quicker. But is a drunken one night stand at the Christmas party really wise? Jayne would definitely say it’s a good idea. Soon after that late night fumble with her boss she got a promotion.

Jayne is an estate agent- but not the usual highstreet semi-detached, two up two down kind of estate agent. Her company only deals will the biggest houses and the biggest clients. They have the likes of Wayne Rooney, Gordon Ramsay and Kate Moss on their client list. Jayne had been working there for almost a year and still her most exciting assignment was finding a weekend pad for Keith Chegwin. She was the only woman in her office and most of the time she felt like she was only there to give her testosterone drenched co-workers something to wank over on their lunch break.

There is no denying Jayne is a looker. She’s 6ft 1, with long brown hair and curves in all the right places- but she absolutely hates the attention that brings her. Shy Jayne is more likely to be seen sitting in a corner with her hair scraped back into a pony tail wearing a calf length skirt and baggy blouse to hide her fabulous body. Such a waste. Anyway back to the story…..

Jayne’s first office Christmas party was her worst nightmare. It was only 9pm and already everyone was drunk. The loud mouth red head accounts guy who sat on the next desk was trying his best to chat her up but instead his foul lager breath and constant spitting when he talked were making her feel sick. She went to the drinks table and knocked back a straight shot of vodka to try and ease the pain. Her head instantly felt lighter so she downed a few more. The party was still grim- but at least now she was getting drunk.

By 9.30 the drink was running seriously low. Jayne’s boss, Camilla, the only other woman at the party was surrounded by drooling, drunk men who were desperately fighting for her attention after they heard there might be a promotion coming up in the new year. Camilla seemed to be loving the attention and was laughing along to all their pathetic jokes and lapping up their compliments.. Suddenly she broke from the crowd and strutted over to where Jayne was now being propped up by the drinks table. She flung her keys in Jayne’s direction. “Be a love and run down to my car and grab that crate of wine from the boot,” she said.

Jayne was furious as she struggled back up to the party under the weight of the heavy wine bottles: “How dare she treat me like this,” she thought angrily, “When I get back up there I’m going to throw this wine at the stupid stuck up cow,” she continued, knowing full well she wouldn’t have the guts. Just as the lift reached the third floor the whole place went black. “Oh great, a power cut that’s all I need!” she muttered. She slammed down the crate and leaned back against the wall, her head spinning.

Then through the darkness Jayne heard footsteps towards the lift. “Hello,” shouted Jayne, but no one replied. She was getting a bit scared. “Who is it?” she shouted as the footsteps moved closer, slightly more panicked now. If this was one of the men messing around she was not going to be happy. Suddenly the lift doors opened slightly and Camilla stood in the opening. “Thank god,” said Jayne. “I thought I would be here forever.” But as Jayne headed for the open door Camilla entered the lift and closed the door behind her. “How about we stay here for a while,” she suggested, “Those boys upstairs are boring me.” Jayne was in no hurry to get back to the party so she nervously agreed to Camilla’s suggestion to crack open a bottle of wine in the lift.

Half an hour later and the two of them are more than slightly tipsy and having a good old giggle sat on the floor of the lift. Camilla wasn’t half as bitchy as she seemed, thought Jayne, she was actually quite down to earth and they laughed about the idiot men they worked with. “You know what Jayne. It’s really good to have some female company,” confessed Camilla, “Let’s not hurry back to the guys. Let them wonder where we are for a while.” Then she looked Jayne straight in the eye and ran her hand softly up her leg.

Jayne didn’t know what to do. She had never had a woman hit on her before and didn’t expect her boss would be the first to do that. Having never felt sexual feelings towards a woman before Jayne was shocked to feel her heart rate quicken as Camilla leaned in to kiss her gently on the lips. “What the hell,” thought Jayne, her initial reaction was the push Camilla away but something inside her was holding back. She felt herself go instantly moist as her boss’s hand moved further up her leg and played with the top of her stockings. Before she knew it Camilla had pushed her to the floor and straddled her as she passionately kissed her- and Jayne was kissing back!

The next thing Jayne remembers is waking up in a strange apartment the next morning. She rolled over and had the shock of her life when she saw Camilla asleep next to her. She began to smile as the events of the night before slowly came back to her. Fun as it was- she really couldn’t face her boss right now so Jayne gathered up her clothes which were strewn all over the living room and then left quietly without waking Camilla. She was dreading going back to work on Monday and felt sick with nerves as she entered the office. As she looked over towards her boss’s desk Camilla looked up and caught Jayne square in the eye. She just winked at Jayne and the pair shared a knowing smile before getting on with the rest of the day. That night was never mentioned again but when January came Jayne was given a promotion out of the blue- much to the disgust of the rest of the workforce.

Ok so not everyone’s office party flings are quite so eventful. A drunken Christmas party rarely ends with an erotic encounter in a lift with your boss. It’s more likely to result in a kebab and a grope in the back of a taxi or, as I found out, being woken up by the butty van man’s mum bringing you a cup of tea.

Yes that’s right. Circa 2001- I was working as an editorial assistant at a trade magazine for dog breeders. Glamorous I know! Anyway it was my first Christmas party and I’d had my eye on, Adam, the cute advert exec guy who worked in the office next door so was determined to bag him at the bash. After weeks of choosing the perfect outfit, getting my hair and nails done and picking out my fave sexy underwear I arrived at the party only to find he’d brought a date with him- how rude! He then proceeded to snog the face of said date all night while I sat in a corner staring into my vodka and diet coke like a real life Bridget Jones. I was about to leave and go home to some comfort food and trashy TV when Joe came over and sat next to me. Joe’s dad owned the sandwich delivery service that brought us all kinds of treats every lunch time. Joe served in the van when he was home from university for the holidays and had blagged an invite to the party after he heard it was a free bar. He was kind of cute in a scruffy student sort of way. Adam certainly wasn’t interested and I was feeling a bit lonely so I thought I may as well try and enjoy myself.

Joe turned out to be really nice. We chatted and laughed and drank then drank some more until we were both quite merry. We had the same taste in music and shared a love of CSI and other cheesy American crime shows so we ended up chatting all night. By the time the party ended and the lights came on I was pretty drunk and so was Joe so we decided to go back to his for coffee and staggered off into the night giggling like school kids. When we got back to his house it wasn’t long before he grabbed me and pushed me up against the wall in the dark hall way. His hands were in my hair as he kissed my neck and face. “Come on let’s go in here,” I said opening the living room door. “No,” said Joe, “Let’s take this upstairs.” He took me by the hand and led me up to a room upstairs and laid me on the bed without even switching on the light. I remember thinking the bed seemed quite small but thought nothing of it and after some drunken fumbling followed by fast and furious fucking we both fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up with a monster headache and desperately needed a drink of water. As I lifted my head up I looked around the room and a wave of panic came over me. The floor was littered with boxer shorts, old socks and mouldy plates and take away boxes, the walls were covered with posters of naked page 3 models and the bed was adorned with a bright coloured Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle bedspread! Had i stepped back in time to the late 80s and slept with an teenager!? In a panic to get out of there as fast as possible I jumped up and began searching the room for my clothes amongst the dirty washing. Just as I spotted my lacy french knickers on the other side of the room the door burst open to reveal a short middle aged woman holding a mug of tea- Joe’s mum! “Rise and shine Joe,” she said before stopping in her tracks as she noticed me standing completely naked and trying to keep some dignity by holding a pizza box in front of me. Needless to say I made a swift exit soon after that without hanging about to swap numbers with Joe….or his mum! Everyone at work had seen me leave the party with Joe but I never told them exactly what happened. This doesn’t stop the whispers and sly comments every time the sandwiches are delivered during half term- but on the plus side his Dad now gives me extra fillings in my lunch time panini.

So it seems office party flings are a bit of a risky game to be playing. Who knows, you could have a great time, meet the person of your dreams and end up falling in love- or at least get a promotion. But on the other hand you could also make a huge mistake and end up hiding your head behind your computer for the rest of the year. In the end it’s all down to judgement. You are out of work hours when you’re getting tipsy at the Christmas party so technically you can do what you like and parties are the perfect opportunity to make a move on someone you’ve admired from a distance. However you also need to realise that people don’t forget the events of the annual party in a hurry. So if you are the talking point this year you will have to wait a whole 12 months before someone else makes the same mistake and directs the gossips away from you.

So have fun, be careful and if in doubt- go home alone this Christmas!