Sex Etc

We have major gossip this week….of a celebrity variety…well almost……Remember Jayne? The estate agent who had the sexy run-in with her boss in the lift? Well it seems a lesbian encounter is just what she needed to bring her out of her shell and there’s been no stopping her since!

She’s been keeping us entertained over lunch for weeks now with tales of her antics…..meetings in hotel rooms with ex-lovers, wild sex in public places with new lovers and any spare time filled with dirty cyber chats with internet lovers….the girl is addicted!

Anyway this week’s instalment of the ‘Life of Jayne’ had us all gob smacked! “I think I may of slept with a celebrity,” she announced just as Michelle and I tucked into our ceaser salad.

“What do you mean…you think?” I spluttered, almost choking on a crouton.

“Well OK I’m pretty sure I did. But it was an accident,” she elaborated.

“What did you slip and fall onto his cock?” cried Michelle- being uncharacteristically graphic.

“Well it started when I went to show a client round a house last week,” began Jayne, revealing her story. It turned out Jayne had been asked by her boss to show an important client round a new flat in Shoreditch. The old chruch had been converted to house three £1million state of the art, super fashionable appartments that were all the rage with the trendy young London set. Anyway the appointment was at 3pm and at half past Jayne was still stood in the church doorway sheltering from the rain waiting for the client to show up.

“I hate it when people are late,” she told us, “It’s one of my pet hates! So I was getting madder and madder by the second. Then just as I was about to give up he turned up.” The client in question rolled up 45 minutes late. Just as she suspected he was the typical rich business man- the only people who could afford to buy in Shoreditch these days- he strolled across the car park towards her as casual as he could without a care for the fact that he was late. Jayne was seething. “Look at him in his posh suit- does he think that because he’s got money he can forget how to use manners,” she thought.

As he got closer she could see he was actually quite good looking. He had really dark grey eyes that perfectly complimented the stormy skies above and his rough and messy hung in wet strands over his face. He must have been at least 6ft 3 and Jayne could detect the ripple of a six pack underneath his wet shirt. In fact he was actually quite gorgeous.

“Jayne?” he questioned as he put out his hand to greet her.

“Yes,” she answered as he took her hand in his big manly palm, “You must be Gary.”

After the introduction Jayne led Gary upstairs to view the flat. As they enetered the front door Gary loosened his tie and un-did his top button revealing the outline of a toned chest.

“Sorry I was so late,” he said, “I’ve just come from a funeral.”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” stumbled Jayne, feeling awful for her earlier thoughts. It turned out Gary hadn’t known the person very well anyway so he wasn’t too upset.

“Right, let’s get going,” said Jayne desperate to get on with things as she was struggling to remain professional around this beautiful man. “First to the bedroom,” she said leading the way.

“I love a girl who gets straight to the point,” winked Gary, “How could I refuse an offer like that.” Jayne could feel her face reddening as he looked at her with a cheeky grin. She turned on her heels and continued walking to disguise her embarrassment.

Ten minutes later and they were exploring the kitchen. Gary seemed suitably impressed with the appartment. He was admiring the great view of London from the glass wall in the kitchen. Jayne couldn’t help but check out the perfect bum that was hidden beneath those perfect fitting trousers. She could imagine how the skin would feel between her teeth as she bit into it.

“Are you ok Jayne?” giggled Gary, who had now turned round to find her staring dreamily at his crotch which had now replaced her view of his bottom.

Once again a flustered Jayne diverted his attention away from her embarrassment and headed to the living room. After a hurried description of the open plan living space, antique wooden floors and hide-away entertainment system the tour was over.

“That’s it,” said Jayne turning to look at Gary who stood on the other side of the comfy corner sofa, “Unless there is anything else you would like to see?”

He looked her from head to toe, slowly and delibarately and then stared her straight in the eye: “There’s a lot more I’d like to see,” he said with a grin.

“Ok so this guy was totally cheesy and ridiculously flirty,” she told us, as we fell about laughing at his cringing one-liners, “But there was something about him that I just couldn’t resist.”

Back to the story…..two seconds after perhaps the cheesiest line in the history of flirting and Gary was right up against Jayne’s face and she was powerless to move away. He kissed her mouth so gently and softly she wan’t sure if she had imagined it. Then he said “I wouldn’t mind another look at the bedroom.”

Now Jayne is not stupid and this line was never going to make her jump into bed with a complete stranger- no matter how hot he was. So she used all the willpower she had to turn around and head for the door.

“I’ll leave you to look around on your own for ten minutes,” she said, “I’ll wait in the hallway.” Just as she reached for the door handle Gary came behind her and held it shut with his hand.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “That was a ridiculous line and I’m surprised you didn’t slap me.”

“Well i was close,” replied Jayne.

“Ok I’ll try again,” said Gary, “I think you are the most beautiful, enchanting woman I’ve ever seen and I would very much like to see you again.”

“That’s a little better,” said Jayne.

“So do I get your number then?” asked Gary with a smirk, reaching into his suit jacket for a pen.

“Hmmm I suppose I could screen my calls from now on,” answered Jayne.

“Cheeky! I like it,” smiled Gary handing Jayne the pen. “I’m out of paper so you will have to write it on my hand.”

Gary’s huge manly hand felt suprsingly soft as he placed it in hers for her to write on. Jayne couldn’t help but imagine how it feel for him to touch her body as she began to write the number. She could feel herself getting wet already.

Gary was leaning over Jayne as she wrote. Their bodies were so close that they were almost touching. His eyes looked down at her intently as she wrote carefully on his hand. When she finished she looked up and met his gaze as she handed back the pen.

“Thanks,” whispered Gary without taking his eyes away from hers. Jayne was entranced by the flecks of blue in his grey eyes that she didn’t realise he was leaning in to kiss her until she felt his soft warm lips against hers. It felt so good she couldn’t resist. Gary pressed his body hard against Jayne’s so her back was against the cold metal of the door. Then he ran his hand under her skirt and grabbed the tops of her legs above her stockings and picked her up high against the door.

Jayne wrapped her legs around Gary as he carried her towards the bedroom. He laid her on the soft kingsize bed and continued to look her straight in the eye as he removed her shoes and then slowly rolled down each stocking. Before the full reality hit Jayne, Gary had pulled her thong to one side and his tongue was between her legs and she was heading ever closer to orgasm. Just as she thought she was about to scream in ecstasy Gary thrust his big hard cock deep inside her and began to fuck her slow and hard. Soon after they both came loudly and collapsed exhausted onto the brand new bed.

Five minutes later and reality had dawned on Jayne. If her boss heard about this she would be fired on the spot. She made Gary promise not to tell anyone and apologised for being so unprofessional and got out of there as quick as possible.

“And where does the celebrity come into it then!?” I interrupted impatiently.

“Hold on, I’m getting to that now,” said Jayne, continuing with the story. Three days later and Jayne was off work with a bit of the sniffles( mostly brought on by a night on the wine) and just settling down to watch a bit of Loose Women.

“On today’s show we’ve got the latest Hollyoak’s hunk for all you ladies to drool over,” announced Denise, leader of the day’s panel. Jayne instantly recognised the guy in the photo that was flashed on the screen in front of her. It was Gary! She couldn’t believe her eyes. She thought she must have been delirious from all that wine but ten minutes later there was Gary sandwiched between Coleen Nolan and Jane MacDonald chatting away about his new born baby and pending engagement to a Page 3 stunner.

“What a rat!” I cried, “You should sell your story to the papers!”

“I did debate that,” said Jayne, “But at the end of the day that would be sinking down to his level and I don’t want to do that.”

Not everyone is as respectful as Jayne…..Rob…you know my friend who has a serious problem with commitment…he actively looks for a kiss and tell opportunity. He’s the ultimate celebrity hanger-on so is always blagging himself into all the trendy parties and sleazing over any Z-lister that will give him the time of day. Usually he gets the brush-off straight away- Jodie Marsh’s security actually picked him up and throw him out of a club after one particularly cheesy chat up line he tried on her- it must of been bad if she turned him down!

Anyway one night Rob actually got lucky. One particular young soap star and ex-girlfriend of a premiership footballer was daft enough (more likely drunk enough) to fall for his charms. After a few glasses of cheap champagne and a few too many sickening chat up lines Rob took the lucky lady…who shall remain nameless…back to his flat. Unfortunately sex with a minor celeb was not as Rob had expected.

“She just lay there like a limp lettuce,” he told me the next day, “Seriously i get more life outta my right hand. No wonder Ronaldo gave her the slip! She was an absolute stunner but there’s only so far looks can go when it comes to sex. A bit of movement would of been helpful.”Rob- always the gentleman- then went on to tell me how after 20 mins of ‘pounding away’ he faked an orgasm and ran to the toilet to ‘knock one off’. And I thought only women did that!

Rob decided to console himself after his night of luke warm passion by selling his story to a tabloid. Two weeks later and there’s Rob on page 5 of the Sun telling the world about his soap star flop…….which inccidently saw him banned from his fave celebrity haunts for the next 6 months…..but the three grand her earned for selling his story soon eased that pain.

So it seems that sex with a celebrity is pretty much the same as sex with any other person off the street. We may have this starry eyed view of some fairytale night of passion with a supreme being but in reality celebrites are just as likely to be a big fat disappointment…..in fact sex with a star is much more fun when left as a fantasy!

The typical porn fan is a single, middle aged man who lives at home with his mum and also enjoys collecting comic books and watching Dr Who- right? That’s what I always thought but in fact these days porn is becoming just as popular with young couples and single women and there is no secret passing of videos in brown paper bags. The 21^st century girl is porn proud!

Jackie was one of my best friends at high school. We were always up to no good together- sneaking into clubs at 15 and getting drunk off cheap cider in the park after school- the usual teenage naughtiness. Anyway one Friday night Jackie took it a bit too far and 9 months after a drunken fondle in a bush with a 6^th former she became a mum to twin boys, dropped out of school and gave up drinking.

Now don’t get the wrong impression of Jackie- she’s not one of these council estate mum’s who lives off benefits and leaves her scruffy kids to terrorise the neighbours. No way!After she had the boys she went out and got a full time job and works hard to pay the mortgage on the 3-bed terrace she bought herself.

Anyway Jackie has never been married and is too busy bringing up 9 year old Reese and Ryan to be bothered with a serious relationship. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t fulfill her huge sexual appetite though! In between the odd casual relationship and friendly dates Jackie swears by her huge porn collection.

“It’s the best way to unwind at the end of the day,” she told me, “I put the kids to bed, run a nice hot bath to get myself all relaxed and then i put on a porn dvd and lay on my bed and enjoy a bit of me time.”

I always thought this was a bit odd as the only porn I’d seen seemed far from relaxing. I mean watching some dizzy blonde with huge lipo-injected lips get rammed from all directions by a football team and then see her gag as they all proceed to cum down her throat is hardly chilled out bedtime material. But Jackie pointed me in the direction of some far more civilised titles.

“You wanna have a look at some Anna Span,” said Jacks one night over a bottle of Rose, “She makes films aimed at girls. It’s not all about how many cocks you can fit inside a pretty pre-teen. It’s much more realistic and far more sexy.”

I still wasn’t convinced. I just didn’t see how watching someone else getting off can be fun. I’d much rather be having sex myself and if I’m being honest I still thought there was something quite seedy about the whole porn thing. Anyway after much protest I left Jackie’s flat with a selected pile of Jackie must-see titles which I swore I would give a go. When I got home I put them under my bed and was determined to just leave them there and give them back to her next time I saw her- lying to her how fabulous they were.

A few nights later and Paul, the guy I was seeing at the time, came over to mine for a cosy night in with a nice bottle of wine and a takeaway. We’d been seeing eachother for a couple of months and things were going great. We were at the lovely stage where you begin to feel comfortable around eachother and all you want to do is hide away from the world and snuggle up together- and have loads of sex, naturally! There was nothing on the TV so while I poured us some more wine I sent Paul upstairs to pick out a DVD.

“There all in the drawer under the bed.” I shouted up as he ran up the stairs. Thirty seconds later I heard a giggle from my bedroom and I realised what he’d found. Shit! Now he was going to think I’m some kind of sex addict.

“I think we should watch this,” he said when he joined me in the kitchen and produced a copy of ‘Firm Loving’ from behind his back.

“Ha ha very funny Paul,” I said, going red with shame.

“Don’t be shy babe. I think it’s well hot. “ he said as put his hand in my hair, pulled my face towards him and kissed me hard on the mouth. The kiss left me speechless and powerless to resist as Paul took me by the hand and led me into the living room.

“Don’t look so scared hunni.” he said, “ I just want know what gets you off so I can please you as best as can.”he said (quite sickening looking back!) Part of me wanted to tell him that they weren’t my DVDs and that I hadn’t even watched them but seeing his reaction the idea of me watching porn made me curious to see how this was going to pan out.

Paul put his arm around me as we sat back on the sofa in front of the TV. I felt butterflies fluttering inside me as the film opened with a rather hot looking woman police officer stopping a speeding car. I’d never seen a police woman in a pvc mini skirt and shirt that tight before but i let it slide. Two minutes later and the policewoman was in the car and the hot suit guy she had pulled was being breathalysed- it all seemed very tame. Then as she removed the breathalyser machine from his mouth she slid it down between her legs and then back into his mouth and asked him to repeat the test. I giggled nervously at the cheesiness of it all but really it was already turning me on.

“This is ridiculous,” I said to Paul, but my quickness of breath and hardening nipples gave me away. I turned to the TV again with my back leaning against Paul’s chest so he couldn’t see my reddening face. The policewoman now had her feet on the dashboard and was having a jolly good time with the breathalyser tube. I felt Paul’s hand slide round my neck and reach inside my dress to play with my hard nipples. Soon his hand was moving down and without saying a word his fingers slid inside my knickers.

He gently stroked my clit as I continued to pretend I wasn’t finding the porn remotely interesting. I carried on with this act for five more minutes as I got wetter and wetter until just as the suit guy lifted the police woman onto his car bonnet and began to fuck her and I had to give in. After frantic kissing and undressing Paul and I had our hottest sex yet right there on the carpet while the film played on in the background. It was amazing!

From then on I’ve been a great believer in the power of porn and have even invested in a couple of sexy titles myself. I am yet to see the enjoyment in the hardcore gang bang, cum flying everywhere, bondage style films but whatever floats your boat. A little bit of soft core porn is great for spicing up everyday sex and definitely inspires some fantastic foreplay- and hey if you get inspired enough then you can always make your own home movies- but that’s a whole other story.

My friend Michelle is very much the quiet one of the bunch. She dresses like a 25 year old school girl- you know wooly jumpers with cute dogs on and pleated skirts with thick tights- to be honest we’re sometimes ashamed to be seen with her. Anyway she pretty much has the same outlook on sex as a school girl too. She’s always up for a quick snog behind the bike sheds but as soon as a man so much as tries to cop a feel of her breasts on a first date she’s likely to run home and cry to her ever-growing family of cats. So can you imagine the drama when after just one month the latest ‘love of her life’ suggests they try a threesome.

Michelle looked like she was about to burst into tears as she explained to me how Joe had brought up the matter during a less than steamy session of dirty talking.

“It all started during Eastenders,” she explained, “We were getting down to a bit of a session on his sofa and as he was kissing my neck and gearing up to have a play with my nipples I thought I’d try a bit of naughty talk because I know he loves it.”

“I told him I wanted us to do it in the shower and he came back with ‘I wanna watch you do another woman’,” cried Michelle. “I’ve always quite fancied the idea of a threesome but it’s only been a month for christ’s sake!”

But is a month long enough? Who’s to say when is the right time to start experimenting in the bedroom? Surely it’s better to keep things spicy from the start than have to step it up when things start falling apart 2 years down the line. But threesomes bring up a whole load of trust issues and can be the death of some couples. Is it worth the risk? Is there ever a right time to bring an extra person into your sex life?

I have personally encountered both sides of this debate- be it a few years ago now. Anyway back when I was a trainee journalist i.e coffee maker -living in a bedsit above a bar in Manchester’s student district I got quite friendly with the couple who ran the business downstairs. I used to spend a lot of time down there knocking back vodka and diet cokes to forget the awful day I’d had so I got to know them fairly well. Tom and Mandy they were called. They seemed like the perfect couple- always calling eachother ‘hunny’ and ‘darling’ and throwing lovey dovey eyes across the bar- quite sickening for a lonely single girl. Anyway-cut to the chase- after two months and a few too many vodkas after closing we were having a rather open conversation about sex which some how resulted in Mandy revealing her ultimate fantasy was a threesome. “I’d love to try it. I think it would be well hot,” she said, “I’ve just never really had the option before.”

Tom looked a little shocked but at the same time his cheeky grin said he was just as keen. Half joking and half drunk out of my mind I laughed “I’d shag you anyday Mand. You’re hot!” At first they both laughed too but then a few seconds later the laughter died down and I knew they were seriously thinking about it. “I’m game if you are?” said Mandy. At first I was a little shocked then I thought ‘what the hell?’ Here I am, 22, living in a grotty student bedsit on my own- it’s about time I had some excitement. Plus not having had sex for a good 2 weeks I was damn horny too and the vodka wasn’t helping to quench my need for some good sex. Mandy obviously sensed this and the next thing I knew her tongue was in my mouth. We kissed as Tom watched-clearly getting off on the whole ordeal. She even nervously put her hand under my tshirt and stroked my breasts- things were going full steam ahead. Then Tom decided he’d had enough of watching and wanted some action.

“My turn,” he declared. So Mandy stood aside. Tom came towards me with a determined look in his eye. He kissed me hard before picking me up with his tanned muscly arms and sitting me on the bar. Soon his hands were pulling my tshirt off and grabbing for my breasts. I was actually getting to this as I threw my head back and let him take my nipples in his mouth- the next thing I knew a glass went flying past my head and smashed on the wall behind me. ‘What the fuck!!’ i thought as another glass narrowly missed my face.

“Get your hands off her now!” screeched Mandy. “Get out of my pub you fucking whore!” she screamed as she launched across the room in my direction. Needless to say I did exactly as she said- the woman was 6ft tall and had a glass in her hand! I ran up to my flat in shock and still wearing just my bra. That was the end of my threesome experience. Mandy did apologise the next day but things were never the same between us again and the gooey looks the couple gave eachother didn’t return for at least a month.

The simple fact is threesomes cause jealously and some people are too concentrated on how hot it would be for them to watch their partner get off while they screw someone else but they forget that they then have to stand by and watch as their lover gets pleasured by another person.

This isn’t the case for everyone though. Some people love a bit of partner-swapping action. Take my old boss, Ellen. She and her husband Ken were very happily married, lived in a gorgeous big house in Alderley Edge and had been swinging for years. It wasn’t the old fashioned keys in a fruit bowl swinging either. They went to exclusive clubs where they met with other intelligent sophisticated couples and professional career-driven single people all with the same thing in mind- to enjoy sex! “It’s great,” Ellen often confessed proudly at work parties, on fag breaks or any other chance she got to talk about it, “We get to experience sexual freedom and enjoy being with other sexually free people but safe in the knowledge that we both love each other and will go home together at the end of the night.”

There was definitely no jealously between Ellen and Ken:: “It makes me want him more,” said Ellen, “I watch him getting all turned on and I just can’t wait to get him home and have him all to myself. I see other women enjoying him and it makes me proud to say he’s my husband.” Ok so Ellen may be more liberal and open-minded than the majority of us but she does have a point. If you trust someone enough to consider a threesome then you should trust that they with you at the end of the day so you can both enjoy the experience for what it is without thinking too much into it. It’s just all about pure pleasure- or at least it should be.

So what was my advice for Michelle? It’s all about talking. She needs to be open about her feelings and talk to Joe. If they truly love each other and want things to last forever then they should perhaps wait a little longer until they are both 100% sure. There’s no harm in talking about it though. Exploring each other’s sexual fantasies makes for great sex- even if it is all make believe. However it’s important to know where the line is between talk and action. Telling him you want him to get himself off while you get down and dirty with another woman can certainly get things going during foreplay but it won’t be half as much fun when he surprises you by bringing home a willing girl from the pub.