Sex Etc

We have major gossip this week….of a celebrity variety…well almost……Remember Jayne? The estate agent who had the sexy run-in with her boss in the lift? Well it seems a lesbian encounter is just what she needed to bring her out of her shell and there’s been no stopping her since!

She’s been keeping us entertained over lunch for weeks now with tales of her antics…..meetings in hotel rooms with ex-lovers, wild sex in public places with new lovers and any spare time filled with dirty cyber chats with internet lovers….the girl is addicted!

Anyway this week’s instalment of the ‘Life of Jayne’ had us all gob smacked! “I think I may of slept with a celebrity,” she announced just as Michelle and I tucked into our ceaser salad.

“What do you mean…you think?” I spluttered, almost choking on a crouton.

“Well OK I’m pretty sure I did. But it was an accident,” she elaborated.

“What did you slip and fall onto his cock?” cried Michelle- being uncharacteristically graphic.

“Well it started when I went to show a client round a house last week,” began Jayne, revealing her story. It turned out Jayne had been asked by her boss to show an important client round a new flat in Shoreditch. The old chruch had been converted to house three £1million state of the art, super fashionable appartments that were all the rage with the trendy young London set. Anyway the appointment was at 3pm and at half past Jayne was still stood in the church doorway sheltering from the rain waiting for the client to show up.

“I hate it when people are late,” she told us, “It’s one of my pet hates! So I was getting madder and madder by the second. Then just as I was about to give up he turned up.” The client in question rolled up 45 minutes late. Just as she suspected he was the typical rich business man- the only people who could afford to buy in Shoreditch these days- he strolled across the car park towards her as casual as he could without a care for the fact that he was late. Jayne was seething. “Look at him in his posh suit- does he think that because he’s got money he can forget how to use manners,” she thought.

As he got closer she could see he was actually quite good looking. He had really dark grey eyes that perfectly complimented the stormy skies above and his rough and messy hung in wet strands over his face. He must have been at least 6ft 3 and Jayne could detect the ripple of a six pack underneath his wet shirt. In fact he was actually quite gorgeous.

“Jayne?” he questioned as he put out his hand to greet her.

“Yes,” she answered as he took her hand in his big manly palm, “You must be Gary.”

After the introduction Jayne led Gary upstairs to view the flat. As they enetered the front door Gary loosened his tie and un-did his top button revealing the outline of a toned chest.

“Sorry I was so late,” he said, “I’ve just come from a funeral.”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” stumbled Jayne, feeling awful for her earlier thoughts. It turned out Gary hadn’t known the person very well anyway so he wasn’t too upset.

“Right, let’s get going,” said Jayne desperate to get on with things as she was struggling to remain professional around this beautiful man. “First to the bedroom,” she said leading the way.

“I love a girl who gets straight to the point,” winked Gary, “How could I refuse an offer like that.” Jayne could feel her face reddening as he looked at her with a cheeky grin. She turned on her heels and continued walking to disguise her embarrassment.

Ten minutes later and they were exploring the kitchen. Gary seemed suitably impressed with the appartment. He was admiring the great view of London from the glass wall in the kitchen. Jayne couldn’t help but check out the perfect bum that was hidden beneath those perfect fitting trousers. She could imagine how the skin would feel between her teeth as she bit into it.

“Are you ok Jayne?” giggled Gary, who had now turned round to find her staring dreamily at his crotch which had now replaced her view of his bottom.

Once again a flustered Jayne diverted his attention away from her embarrassment and headed to the living room. After a hurried description of the open plan living space, antique wooden floors and hide-away entertainment system the tour was over.

“That’s it,” said Jayne turning to look at Gary who stood on the other side of the comfy corner sofa, “Unless there is anything else you would like to see?”

He looked her from head to toe, slowly and delibarately and then stared her straight in the eye: “There’s a lot more I’d like to see,” he said with a grin.

“Ok so this guy was totally cheesy and ridiculously flirty,” she told us, as we fell about laughing at his cringing one-liners, “But there was something about him that I just couldn’t resist.”

Back to the story…..two seconds after perhaps the cheesiest line in the history of flirting and Gary was right up against Jayne’s face and she was powerless to move away. He kissed her mouth so gently and softly she wan’t sure if she had imagined it. Then he said “I wouldn’t mind another look at the bedroom.”

Now Jayne is not stupid and this line was never going to make her jump into bed with a complete stranger- no matter how hot he was. So she used all the willpower she had to turn around and head for the door.

“I’ll leave you to look around on your own for ten minutes,” she said, “I’ll wait in the hallway.” Just as she reached for the door handle Gary came behind her and held it shut with his hand.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “That was a ridiculous line and I’m surprised you didn’t slap me.”

“Well i was close,” replied Jayne.

“Ok I’ll try again,” said Gary, “I think you are the most beautiful, enchanting woman I’ve ever seen and I would very much like to see you again.”

“That’s a little better,” said Jayne.

“So do I get your number then?” asked Gary with a smirk, reaching into his suit jacket for a pen.

“Hmmm I suppose I could screen my calls from now on,” answered Jayne.

“Cheeky! I like it,” smiled Gary handing Jayne the pen. “I’m out of paper so you will have to write it on my hand.”

Gary’s huge manly hand felt suprsingly soft as he placed it in hers for her to write on. Jayne couldn’t help but imagine how it feel for him to touch her body as she began to write the number. She could feel herself getting wet already.

Gary was leaning over Jayne as she wrote. Their bodies were so close that they were almost touching. His eyes looked down at her intently as she wrote carefully on his hand. When she finished she looked up and met his gaze as she handed back the pen.

“Thanks,” whispered Gary without taking his eyes away from hers. Jayne was entranced by the flecks of blue in his grey eyes that she didn’t realise he was leaning in to kiss her until she felt his soft warm lips against hers. It felt so good she couldn’t resist. Gary pressed his body hard against Jayne’s so her back was against the cold metal of the door. Then he ran his hand under her skirt and grabbed the tops of her legs above her stockings and picked her up high against the door.

Jayne wrapped her legs around Gary as he carried her towards the bedroom. He laid her on the soft kingsize bed and continued to look her straight in the eye as he removed her shoes and then slowly rolled down each stocking. Before the full reality hit Jayne, Gary had pulled her thong to one side and his tongue was between her legs and she was heading ever closer to orgasm. Just as she thought she was about to scream in ecstasy Gary thrust his big hard cock deep inside her and began to fuck her slow and hard. Soon after they both came loudly and collapsed exhausted onto the brand new bed.

Five minutes later and reality had dawned on Jayne. If her boss heard about this she would be fired on the spot. She made Gary promise not to tell anyone and apologised for being so unprofessional and got out of there as quick as possible.

“And where does the celebrity come into it then!?” I interrupted impatiently.

“Hold on, I’m getting to that now,” said Jayne, continuing with the story. Three days later and Jayne was off work with a bit of the sniffles( mostly brought on by a night on the wine) and just settling down to watch a bit of Loose Women.

“On today’s show we’ve got the latest Hollyoak’s hunk for all you ladies to drool over,” announced Denise, leader of the day’s panel. Jayne instantly recognised the guy in the photo that was flashed on the screen in front of her. It was Gary! She couldn’t believe her eyes. She thought she must have been delirious from all that wine but ten minutes later there was Gary sandwiched between Coleen Nolan and Jane MacDonald chatting away about his new born baby and pending engagement to a Page 3 stunner.

“What a rat!” I cried, “You should sell your story to the papers!”

“I did debate that,” said Jayne, “But at the end of the day that would be sinking down to his level and I don’t want to do that.”

Not everyone is as respectful as Jayne…..Rob…you know my friend who has a serious problem with commitment…he actively looks for a kiss and tell opportunity. He’s the ultimate celebrity hanger-on so is always blagging himself into all the trendy parties and sleazing over any Z-lister that will give him the time of day. Usually he gets the brush-off straight away- Jodie Marsh’s security actually picked him up and throw him out of a club after one particularly cheesy chat up line he tried on her- it must of been bad if she turned him down!

Anyway one night Rob actually got lucky. One particular young soap star and ex-girlfriend of a premiership footballer was daft enough (more likely drunk enough) to fall for his charms. After a few glasses of cheap champagne and a few too many sickening chat up lines Rob took the lucky lady…who shall remain nameless…back to his flat. Unfortunately sex with a minor celeb was not as Rob had expected.

“She just lay there like a limp lettuce,” he told me the next day, “Seriously i get more life outta my right hand. No wonder Ronaldo gave her the slip! She was an absolute stunner but there’s only so far looks can go when it comes to sex. A bit of movement would of been helpful.”Rob- always the gentleman- then went on to tell me how after 20 mins of ‘pounding away’ he faked an orgasm and ran to the toilet to ‘knock one off’. And I thought only women did that!

Rob decided to console himself after his night of luke warm passion by selling his story to a tabloid. Two weeks later and there’s Rob on page 5 of the Sun telling the world about his soap star flop…….which inccidently saw him banned from his fave celebrity haunts for the next 6 months…..but the three grand her earned for selling his story soon eased that pain.

So it seems that sex with a celebrity is pretty much the same as sex with any other person off the street. We may have this starry eyed view of some fairytale night of passion with a supreme being but in reality celebrites are just as likely to be a big fat disappointment…..in fact sex with a star is much more fun when left as a fantasy!

The typical porn fan is a single, middle aged man who lives at home with his mum and also enjoys collecting comic books and watching Dr Who- right? That’s what I always thought but in fact these days porn is becoming just as popular with young couples and single women and there is no secret passing of videos in brown paper bags. The 21^st century girl is porn proud!

Jackie was one of my best friends at high school. We were always up to no good together- sneaking into clubs at 15 and getting drunk off cheap cider in the park after school- the usual teenage naughtiness. Anyway one Friday night Jackie took it a bit too far and 9 months after a drunken fondle in a bush with a 6^th former she became a mum to twin boys, dropped out of school and gave up drinking.

Now don’t get the wrong impression of Jackie- she’s not one of these council estate mum’s who lives off benefits and leaves her scruffy kids to terrorise the neighbours. No way!After she had the boys she went out and got a full time job and works hard to pay the mortgage on the 3-bed terrace she bought herself.

Anyway Jackie has never been married and is too busy bringing up 9 year old Reese and Ryan to be bothered with a serious relationship. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t fulfill her huge sexual appetite though! In between the odd casual relationship and friendly dates Jackie swears by her huge porn collection.

“It’s the best way to unwind at the end of the day,” she told me, “I put the kids to bed, run a nice hot bath to get myself all relaxed and then i put on a porn dvd and lay on my bed and enjoy a bit of me time.”

I always thought this was a bit odd as the only porn I’d seen seemed far from relaxing. I mean watching some dizzy blonde with huge lipo-injected lips get rammed from all directions by a football team and then see her gag as they all proceed to cum down her throat is hardly chilled out bedtime material. But Jackie pointed me in the direction of some far more civilised titles.

“You wanna have a look at some Anna Span,” said Jacks one night over a bottle of Rose, “She makes films aimed at girls. It’s not all about how many cocks you can fit inside a pretty pre-teen. It’s much more realistic and far more sexy.”

I still wasn’t convinced. I just didn’t see how watching someone else getting off can be fun. I’d much rather be having sex myself and if I’m being honest I still thought there was something quite seedy about the whole porn thing. Anyway after much protest I left Jackie’s flat with a selected pile of Jackie must-see titles which I swore I would give a go. When I got home I put them under my bed and was determined to just leave them there and give them back to her next time I saw her- lying to her how fabulous they were.

A few nights later and Paul, the guy I was seeing at the time, came over to mine for a cosy night in with a nice bottle of wine and a takeaway. We’d been seeing eachother for a couple of months and things were going great. We were at the lovely stage where you begin to feel comfortable around eachother and all you want to do is hide away from the world and snuggle up together- and have loads of sex, naturally! There was nothing on the TV so while I poured us some more wine I sent Paul upstairs to pick out a DVD.

“There all in the drawer under the bed.” I shouted up as he ran up the stairs. Thirty seconds later I heard a giggle from my bedroom and I realised what he’d found. Shit! Now he was going to think I’m some kind of sex addict.

“I think we should watch this,” he said when he joined me in the kitchen and produced a copy of ‘Firm Loving’ from behind his back.

“Ha ha very funny Paul,” I said, going red with shame.

“Don’t be shy babe. I think it’s well hot. “ he said as put his hand in my hair, pulled my face towards him and kissed me hard on the mouth. The kiss left me speechless and powerless to resist as Paul took me by the hand and led me into the living room.

“Don’t look so scared hunni.” he said, “ I just want know what gets you off so I can please you as best as can.”he said (quite sickening looking back!) Part of me wanted to tell him that they weren’t my DVDs and that I hadn’t even watched them but seeing his reaction the idea of me watching porn made me curious to see how this was going to pan out.

Paul put his arm around me as we sat back on the sofa in front of the TV. I felt butterflies fluttering inside me as the film opened with a rather hot looking woman police officer stopping a speeding car. I’d never seen a police woman in a pvc mini skirt and shirt that tight before but i let it slide. Two minutes later and the policewoman was in the car and the hot suit guy she had pulled was being breathalysed- it all seemed very tame. Then as she removed the breathalyser machine from his mouth she slid it down between her legs and then back into his mouth and asked him to repeat the test. I giggled nervously at the cheesiness of it all but really it was already turning me on.

“This is ridiculous,” I said to Paul, but my quickness of breath and hardening nipples gave me away. I turned to the TV again with my back leaning against Paul’s chest so he couldn’t see my reddening face. The policewoman now had her feet on the dashboard and was having a jolly good time with the breathalyser tube. I felt Paul’s hand slide round my neck and reach inside my dress to play with my hard nipples. Soon his hand was moving down and without saying a word his fingers slid inside my knickers.

He gently stroked my clit as I continued to pretend I wasn’t finding the porn remotely interesting. I carried on with this act for five more minutes as I got wetter and wetter until just as the suit guy lifted the police woman onto his car bonnet and began to fuck her and I had to give in. After frantic kissing and undressing Paul and I had our hottest sex yet right there on the carpet while the film played on in the background. It was amazing!

From then on I’ve been a great believer in the power of porn and have even invested in a couple of sexy titles myself. I am yet to see the enjoyment in the hardcore gang bang, cum flying everywhere, bondage style films but whatever floats your boat. A little bit of soft core porn is great for spicing up everyday sex and definitely inspires some fantastic foreplay- and hey if you get inspired enough then you can always make your own home movies- but that’s a whole other story.

Christmas is all about having fun and letting yourself go- well technically it’s about the birth of Jesus and all that- but you know what I mean. Anyway Christmas is also the one time every year when the people in your office see you for what you really are. Yes the office party really is an eye opener and there’s nothing like an office party fling to really open their eyes especially if,like my friend Jayne, you wake up next to the boss….who happens to be a woman!

Everyone gets it on with someone at work sometime in their lives. You spend most of your life in close contact with these people so it’s inevitable a bit of extra-curricular hanky panky will take place in the end. It all makes a day’s work go a little bit quicker. But is a drunken one night stand at the Christmas party really wise? Jayne would definitely say it’s a good idea. Soon after that late night fumble with her boss she got a promotion.

Jayne is an estate agent- but not the usual highstreet semi-detached, two up two down kind of estate agent. Her company only deals will the biggest houses and the biggest clients. They have the likes of Wayne Rooney, Gordon Ramsay and Kate Moss on their client list. Jayne had been working there for almost a year and still her most exciting assignment was finding a weekend pad for Keith Chegwin. She was the only woman in her office and most of the time she felt like she was only there to give her testosterone drenched co-workers something to wank over on their lunch break.

There is no denying Jayne is a looker. She’s 6ft 1, with long brown hair and curves in all the right places- but she absolutely hates the attention that brings her. Shy Jayne is more likely to be seen sitting in a corner with her hair scraped back into a pony tail wearing a calf length skirt and baggy blouse to hide her fabulous body. Such a waste. Anyway back to the story…..

Jayne’s first office Christmas party was her worst nightmare. It was only 9pm and already everyone was drunk. The loud mouth red head accounts guy who sat on the next desk was trying his best to chat her up but instead his foul lager breath and constant spitting when he talked were making her feel sick. She went to the drinks table and knocked back a straight shot of vodka to try and ease the pain. Her head instantly felt lighter so she downed a few more. The party was still grim- but at least now she was getting drunk.

By 9.30 the drink was running seriously low. Jayne’s boss, Camilla, the only other woman at the party was surrounded by drooling, drunk men who were desperately fighting for her attention after they heard there might be a promotion coming up in the new year. Camilla seemed to be loving the attention and was laughing along to all their pathetic jokes and lapping up their compliments.. Suddenly she broke from the crowd and strutted over to where Jayne was now being propped up by the drinks table. She flung her keys in Jayne’s direction. “Be a love and run down to my car and grab that crate of wine from the boot,” she said.

Jayne was furious as she struggled back up to the party under the weight of the heavy wine bottles: “How dare she treat me like this,” she thought angrily, “When I get back up there I’m going to throw this wine at the stupid stuck up cow,” she continued, knowing full well she wouldn’t have the guts. Just as the lift reached the third floor the whole place went black. “Oh great, a power cut that’s all I need!” she muttered. She slammed down the crate and leaned back against the wall, her head spinning.

Then through the darkness Jayne heard footsteps towards the lift. “Hello,” shouted Jayne, but no one replied. She was getting a bit scared. “Who is it?” she shouted as the footsteps moved closer, slightly more panicked now. If this was one of the men messing around she was not going to be happy. Suddenly the lift doors opened slightly and Camilla stood in the opening. “Thank god,” said Jayne. “I thought I would be here forever.” But as Jayne headed for the open door Camilla entered the lift and closed the door behind her. “How about we stay here for a while,” she suggested, “Those boys upstairs are boring me.” Jayne was in no hurry to get back to the party so she nervously agreed to Camilla’s suggestion to crack open a bottle of wine in the lift.

Half an hour later and the two of them are more than slightly tipsy and having a good old giggle sat on the floor of the lift. Camilla wasn’t half as bitchy as she seemed, thought Jayne, she was actually quite down to earth and they laughed about the idiot men they worked with. “You know what Jayne. It’s really good to have some female company,” confessed Camilla, “Let’s not hurry back to the guys. Let them wonder where we are for a while.” Then she looked Jayne straight in the eye and ran her hand softly up her leg.

Jayne didn’t know what to do. She had never had a woman hit on her before and didn’t expect her boss would be the first to do that. Having never felt sexual feelings towards a woman before Jayne was shocked to feel her heart rate quicken as Camilla leaned in to kiss her gently on the lips. “What the hell,” thought Jayne, her initial reaction was the push Camilla away but something inside her was holding back. She felt herself go instantly moist as her boss’s hand moved further up her leg and played with the top of her stockings. Before she knew it Camilla had pushed her to the floor and straddled her as she passionately kissed her- and Jayne was kissing back!

The next thing Jayne remembers is waking up in a strange apartment the next morning. She rolled over and had the shock of her life when she saw Camilla asleep next to her. She began to smile as the events of the night before slowly came back to her. Fun as it was- she really couldn’t face her boss right now so Jayne gathered up her clothes which were strewn all over the living room and then left quietly without waking Camilla. She was dreading going back to work on Monday and felt sick with nerves as she entered the office. As she looked over towards her boss’s desk Camilla looked up and caught Jayne square in the eye. She just winked at Jayne and the pair shared a knowing smile before getting on with the rest of the day. That night was never mentioned again but when January came Jayne was given a promotion out of the blue- much to the disgust of the rest of the workforce.

Ok so not everyone’s office party flings are quite so eventful. A drunken Christmas party rarely ends with an erotic encounter in a lift with your boss. It’s more likely to result in a kebab and a grope in the back of a taxi or, as I found out, being woken up by the butty van man’s mum bringing you a cup of tea.

Yes that’s right. Circa 2001- I was working as an editorial assistant at a trade magazine for dog breeders. Glamorous I know! Anyway it was my first Christmas party and I’d had my eye on, Adam, the cute advert exec guy who worked in the office next door so was determined to bag him at the bash. After weeks of choosing the perfect outfit, getting my hair and nails done and picking out my fave sexy underwear I arrived at the party only to find he’d brought a date with him- how rude! He then proceeded to snog the face of said date all night while I sat in a corner staring into my vodka and diet coke like a real life Bridget Jones. I was about to leave and go home to some comfort food and trashy TV when Joe came over and sat next to me. Joe’s dad owned the sandwich delivery service that brought us all kinds of treats every lunch time. Joe served in the van when he was home from university for the holidays and had blagged an invite to the party after he heard it was a free bar. He was kind of cute in a scruffy student sort of way. Adam certainly wasn’t interested and I was feeling a bit lonely so I thought I may as well try and enjoy myself.

Joe turned out to be really nice. We chatted and laughed and drank then drank some more until we were both quite merry. We had the same taste in music and shared a love of CSI and other cheesy American crime shows so we ended up chatting all night. By the time the party ended and the lights came on I was pretty drunk and so was Joe so we decided to go back to his for coffee and staggered off into the night giggling like school kids. When we got back to his house it wasn’t long before he grabbed me and pushed me up against the wall in the dark hall way. His hands were in my hair as he kissed my neck and face. “Come on let’s go in here,” I said opening the living room door. “No,” said Joe, “Let’s take this upstairs.” He took me by the hand and led me up to a room upstairs and laid me on the bed without even switching on the light. I remember thinking the bed seemed quite small but thought nothing of it and after some drunken fumbling followed by fast and furious fucking we both fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up with a monster headache and desperately needed a drink of water. As I lifted my head up I looked around the room and a wave of panic came over me. The floor was littered with boxer shorts, old socks and mouldy plates and take away boxes, the walls were covered with posters of naked page 3 models and the bed was adorned with a bright coloured Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle bedspread! Had i stepped back in time to the late 80s and slept with an teenager!? In a panic to get out of there as fast as possible I jumped up and began searching the room for my clothes amongst the dirty washing. Just as I spotted my lacy french knickers on the other side of the room the door burst open to reveal a short middle aged woman holding a mug of tea- Joe’s mum! “Rise and shine Joe,” she said before stopping in her tracks as she noticed me standing completely naked and trying to keep some dignity by holding a pizza box in front of me. Needless to say I made a swift exit soon after that without hanging about to swap numbers with Joe….or his mum! Everyone at work had seen me leave the party with Joe but I never told them exactly what happened. This doesn’t stop the whispers and sly comments every time the sandwiches are delivered during half term- but on the plus side his Dad now gives me extra fillings in my lunch time panini.

So it seems office party flings are a bit of a risky game to be playing. Who knows, you could have a great time, meet the person of your dreams and end up falling in love- or at least get a promotion. But on the other hand you could also make a huge mistake and end up hiding your head behind your computer for the rest of the year. In the end it’s all down to judgement. You are out of work hours when you’re getting tipsy at the Christmas party so technically you can do what you like and parties are the perfect opportunity to make a move on someone you’ve admired from a distance. However you also need to realise that people don’t forget the events of the annual party in a hurry. So if you are the talking point this year you will have to wait a whole 12 months before someone else makes the same mistake and directs the gossips away from you.

So have fun, be careful and if in doubt- go home alone this Christmas!