Sex Etc

My friend Michelle is very much the quiet one of the bunch. She dresses like a 25 year old school girl- you know wooly jumpers with cute dogs on and pleated skirts with thick tights- to be honest we’re sometimes ashamed to be seen with her. Anyway she pretty much has the same outlook on sex as a school girl too. She’s always up for a quick snog behind the bike sheds but as soon as a man so much as tries to cop a feel of her breasts on a first date she’s likely to run home and cry to her ever-growing family of cats. So can you imagine the drama when after just one month the latest ‘love of her life’ suggests they try a threesome.

Michelle looked like she was about to burst into tears as she explained to me how Joe had brought up the matter during a less than steamy session of dirty talking.

“It all started during Eastenders,” she explained, “We were getting down to a bit of a session on his sofa and as he was kissing my neck and gearing up to have a play with my nipples I thought I’d try a bit of naughty talk because I know he loves it.”

“I told him I wanted us to do it in the shower and he came back with ‘I wanna watch you do another woman’,” cried Michelle. “I’ve always quite fancied the idea of a threesome but it’s only been a month for christ’s sake!”

But is a month long enough? Who’s to say when is the right time to start experimenting in the bedroom? Surely it’s better to keep things spicy from the start than have to step it up when things start falling apart 2 years down the line. But threesomes bring up a whole load of trust issues and can be the death of some couples. Is it worth the risk? Is there ever a right time to bring an extra person into your sex life?

I have personally encountered both sides of this debate- be it a few years ago now. Anyway back when I was a trainee journalist i.e coffee maker -living in a bedsit above a bar in Manchester’s student district I got quite friendly with the couple who ran the business downstairs. I used to spend a lot of time down there knocking back vodka and diet cokes to forget the awful day I’d had so I got to know them fairly well. Tom and Mandy they were called. They seemed like the perfect couple- always calling eachother ‘hunny’ and ‘darling’ and throwing lovey dovey eyes across the bar- quite sickening for a lonely single girl. Anyway-cut to the chase- after two months and a few too many vodkas after closing we were having a rather open conversation about sex which some how resulted in Mandy revealing her ultimate fantasy was a threesome. “I’d love to try it. I think it would be well hot,” she said, “I’ve just never really had the option before.”

Tom looked a little shocked but at the same time his cheeky grin said he was just as keen. Half joking and half drunk out of my mind I laughed “I’d shag you anyday Mand. You’re hot!” At first they both laughed too but then a few seconds later the laughter died down and I knew they were seriously thinking about it. “I’m game if you are?” said Mandy. At first I was a little shocked then I thought ‘what the hell?’ Here I am, 22, living in a grotty student bedsit on my own- it’s about time I had some excitement. Plus not having had sex for a good 2 weeks I was damn horny too and the vodka wasn’t helping to quench my need for some good sex. Mandy obviously sensed this and the next thing I knew her tongue was in my mouth. We kissed as Tom watched-clearly getting off on the whole ordeal. She even nervously put her hand under my tshirt and stroked my breasts- things were going full steam ahead. Then Tom decided he’d had enough of watching and wanted some action.

“My turn,” he declared. So Mandy stood aside. Tom came towards me with a determined look in his eye. He kissed me hard before picking me up with his tanned muscly arms and sitting me on the bar. Soon his hands were pulling my tshirt off and grabbing for my breasts. I was actually getting to this as I threw my head back and let him take my nipples in his mouth- the next thing I knew a glass went flying past my head and smashed on the wall behind me. ‘What the fuck!!’ i thought as another glass narrowly missed my face.

“Get your hands off her now!” screeched Mandy. “Get out of my pub you fucking whore!” she screamed as she launched across the room in my direction. Needless to say I did exactly as she said- the woman was 6ft tall and had a glass in her hand! I ran up to my flat in shock and still wearing just my bra. That was the end of my threesome experience. Mandy did apologise the next day but things were never the same between us again and the gooey looks the couple gave eachother didn’t return for at least a month.

The simple fact is threesomes cause jealously and some people are too concentrated on how hot it would be for them to watch their partner get off while they screw someone else but they forget that they then have to stand by and watch as their lover gets pleasured by another person.

This isn’t the case for everyone though. Some people love a bit of partner-swapping action. Take my old boss, Ellen. She and her husband Ken were very happily married, lived in a gorgeous big house in Alderley Edge and had been swinging for years. It wasn’t the old fashioned keys in a fruit bowl swinging either. They went to exclusive clubs where they met with other intelligent sophisticated couples and professional career-driven single people all with the same thing in mind- to enjoy sex! “It’s great,” Ellen often confessed proudly at work parties, on fag breaks or any other chance she got to talk about it, “We get to experience sexual freedom and enjoy being with other sexually free people but safe in the knowledge that we both love each other and will go home together at the end of the night.”

There was definitely no jealously between Ellen and Ken:: “It makes me want him more,” said Ellen, “I watch him getting all turned on and I just can’t wait to get him home and have him all to myself. I see other women enjoying him and it makes me proud to say he’s my husband.” Ok so Ellen may be more liberal and open-minded than the majority of us but she does have a point. If you trust someone enough to consider a threesome then you should trust that they with you at the end of the day so you can both enjoy the experience for what it is without thinking too much into it. It’s just all about pure pleasure- or at least it should be.

So what was my advice for Michelle? It’s all about talking. She needs to be open about her feelings and talk to Joe. If they truly love each other and want things to last forever then they should perhaps wait a little longer until they are both 100% sure. There’s no harm in talking about it though. Exploring each other’s sexual fantasies makes for great sex- even if it is all make believe. However it’s important to know where the line is between talk and action. Telling him you want him to get himself off while you get down and dirty with another woman can certainly get things going during foreplay but it won’t be half as much fun when he surprises you by bringing home a willing girl from the pub.

 I have this male friend-Rob. We met randomly when he tried to sleaze on me in a bar and I laughed out loud at his lame ‘I’ve been watching you all night and your beautiful’ line. We’ve been friends ever since. Anyway he infuriates me at the best of times but last Friday he really did wind me up.

We were out having lunch and he was telling me about his date the night before:

“Absoultely stunning! She was like a fucking dream come true, seriously. Legs up to her armpits and a cracking set of twins,” he explained in his usual ‘gentlemanly’ manner.

“Great,” I said, “So you seeing her again?”

“No way! She didn’t put out. Sod that.”

I almost choked on my cheese panini. “You what?”

“She didn’t put out. I’m not gonna hang around waiting when there are plenty more girls out there who will give it up on the first night.” he said. I couldn’t believe my ears. Is this really the way men think? As a general rule I like to wait at least two dates before I sleep with a new man- Ok so there have been the occasional one night stands I’d rather forget but generally sex on the first date is a no go. Am I just being an old fashioned prude?

This is exactly what I asked my friend Maisy later that night as we sunk some pre-night out glasses of wine. “Rob is just a wanker,” was her response. Maisy had hated Rob ever since he failed to call her after a drunken fondle in the back of a cab. “Men like him are all talk.”she said. But I disagree. I’ve seen him take home many women when the club closes and I’m pretty sure they aren’t going back to his for coffee and this is usually confirmed by a graphic account of what he got up to the next time I see him. So why do some people think it’s OK to have sex with a virtual stranger? Is it low self-esteem as dowdy old sex ed teachers would have us believe or are they merely just enjoying their sexual freedom?

Take my friend Louise for example. She didn’t lose her virginity until she was 19- which was practically prehistoric on the estate where I grew up- anyway as the TV ad says ‘Once she popped she couldn’t stop.’ She obviously got a taste for it and after a year she had already slept with 30 different men. Now that might make you think she was a bit of a slag but it really didn’t come across like that. She didn’t just go home with first drunken idiot who came grinding up behind her on the dancefloor. She made them work for it. You see Louise is one of those women who just oozes confidence. She can sit at a bar on her own and attract the attention of the hottest guy in a club without even trying. She has this air of sexiness that makes men feel they ‘need’ to win her over and they will buy her drinks, hold her coat, pay for her taxis and probably even kiss her feet until she gives in and pays them some attention back.

Anyway- back to the point- after she lost her virginity she enjoyed years of hassle free, no strings sex and didn’t feel remotely bad about it. “I get the affection and the hot sex I need, they get to sleep with me…everyone’s a winner and no one gets hurt,” she said. Fair enough I guess but doesn’t sleeping around ruin your chances of finding that special someone? Well Louise is living proof that isn’t the case. She met the love of her life in a nightclub, went home with him that night and after months of ‘no strings’ fun decided she liked the strings and they have been together ever since. In fact she was the first one of our group to get married and no she’s got a baby on the way. So it’s not necessarily true that sex on the first night means that there is no future.

My theory is there are two types of people in this world…those who can do ‘no strings’ one night stands and those who simply can’t and never the twine should meet. It’s OK for the Rob and Louise’s of this world to hook up and fuck about to their heart’s content because no one is getting hurt. But if a Maisy and a Rob get it on someone is bound to end up feeling bad. This doesn’t mean that you are destined to belong to one group for your whole life. There are times-say after a break up, or long sex drought- when you may stray over to the other side and the ‘no-stringers’ are perfectly capable of falling in love and hopping over to the world of the ’string’ lovers. But as a general rule of thumb for the dating world it’s best to stick to your own kind if you want an easy, heartache-free life.