Sex Etc

Sex is great! There’s no denying it. It not only feels amazing with the right person but it also helps burn a few calories in the meantime. We would all benefit from getting a little more of it. However it’s not always as straight forward as boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl get it on. There are sometimes in our lives when we have to really think about the implications a good sex life can have…..especially if it’s with someone we really shouldn’t be sleeping with!

One of the ultimate no-go areas has to be any close relation to a lover or former lover. Sleeping with your boyfriend’s brother or your girlfriend’s Dad is definitely a recipe for disaster- my friend Nicola found that out the hard way.

Nic is a trainee financial advisor- sounds very professional but really she’s only earning just above minimum wage and spends most of her time making coffee for rich bank managers and the likes. The one upside of the job is the amount of after work drinking sessions that come with working in the city. Nicola is always raving about how these little evening get togethers are perfect for networking and give her a great chance to get her face around among all the big players- but we all know the dirty old bankers just love to stare at her ample breasts.

Anyway it was during one of these after work ‘networking’ sessions that Nicola bumped into Pete. It was after one particular heavy evening of drinking and talking about money when Nic went to order a round for the noisy table of colleagues she was with. While she waited for her drinks she noticed Pete sat at the end of the bar on his own. He was dressed in a smart suit with his top button undone and his tie loose around his neck. He had a kind of George Clooney older man rugged-ness about him with his slightly grey stubble and defined but weathered looking features. He was obviously a bit older than Nicola but as he looked in her direction she could see his gorgeous blue eyes still sparkled with youth and their wasn’t a hint on man boob on the well toned body.

As the night went on and her work mates went home one by one Nicola noticed that the handsome older man was still sat at the bar flicking his way through a pile of important looking papers. She was mesmerised by him. There was just something about his air of confidence that drew her to keep staring at him and he seemed to be equally interested as she kept catching him looking her way too.

However Nicola did have a boyfriend at the time. His name was Ben and he was a fellow finance worker. She’d only been seeing him for a couple of months when his company decided to ship him off to America for 6 months so things were still pretty casual for the time being. Nic hadn’t had sex for 4 months and she was really suffering so when the sexy older guy eventually made a move she just couldn’t resist.

She was at the bar buying another round of drinks when he asked if he could steal her away from her friends for a few minutes to share a bottle of champagne. Nicola was a bit hesitant at first but seeing as her friends were fast abandoning her and the thought of going back to an empty flat loomed she decided to take him up on the offer. An hour later and the two of them were still sat at the end of the bar roaring with laughter as Pete told Nic his favourite joke of all time:

“Why does a squirrel swim on his back?” he asked proudly.

“Go on why?” said Nic

“To keep his nuts dry of course!”

“O my god,” she laughed, “That is possibly the worst joke I’ve ever heard.”

“Made you laugh though didn’t it,” giggled Pete.

“Yes I guess so,” Nicola laughed even more.

“Listen I’ve had a really nice night chatting to you,” said Pete getting up from his stool, “But I think it’s time I headed back home.”

Nicola was shocked and, if she was honest, a bit gutted by Pete’s sudden decision, She’d had a great laugh with him and he seemed like a really nice guy- plus she was finding him more and more attractive. She decided had two choices. She could let him walk out of that door and probably never see him again or she could do something she had never done before and make a bold move.

“Do you fancy grabbing some Chinese and heading back to mine?” suggested Nic nervously.

“Why not,” replied Pete with a smile, “I’m starving.”

Back at Nicola’s rented Docklands apartment she and Pete relaxed on the sofa and polished off another bottle of wine and a chicken chow mien. Things were going great. Pete was so easy to talk to. She felt so relaxed around him- which was strange considering they’d only met hours before.

“Fancy some ice cream?” said Nic gathering up the used takeaway cartons.

“Yeah sure. I’ll try and squeeze some in,” smiled Pete. Nicola went out to the kitchen and came back with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and two spoons.

“I can’t find any clean bowls so we’ll just be common,” she laughed, digging into the tub and offering it to Pete.

“This is good,” he said tucking into a mouth full of Cookie Dough. Nic went in for some more.

“Mmmm yeah it is,” she agreed as she enjoyed another mouthful. Pete spotted she had managed to get ice cream on her chin.

“Come here you mucky pup,” he said reaching his hand to wipe it away. His big manly fingers made her skin tingle as he gently touched her face and Nicola wasn’t sure how much longer she could resist this sexy man.

Pete obviously sensed the attraction as they locked eyes. She wanted him to kiss her so badly. However, instead he raised a spoon of ice cream to her lips and she opened her mouth as he slowly slipped it inside. Then while it was still melting on her tongue he leaned in and kissed her softly on the mouth, slipping his tongue gently inside so the ice cream flooded between their lips. The kiss was amazing and Nicola could feel a stirring inside her as Pete filled the spoon with more ice cream. This time he moved the spoon away from her mouth and let the ice cream drop onto her neck before holding the back of her head as he gently and slowly licked it off.

Nicola moaned with pleasure as Pete dropped more ice cream onto her and slowly licked and kissed his way down her neck and along her collar bone towards her chest- unbuttoning her silk blouse as he went. She lay back on the leather sofa as he trickled the melting ice cream onto her exposed nipples and down her body to her belly button. Nicola thought she would explode with desire as he licked it all up while kissing her all over.

She couldn’t hold it in any longer so Nicola jumped up and pushed Pete down onto the sofa. Still covered in sticky ice cream she knelt between his legs and unzipped his trousers to release his hard cock. She grabbed the ice cream tub and dripped the contents down onto it before slowly licking him right up to the tip. Then she wrapped her lips around him began sucking hard and fast. The pace soon picked up and before long Nicola was straddling Pete on the sofa and bouncing her way to an amazing orgasm- that was the first of many that night. In fact they both took the next two days off work to enjoy as much time together as possible before they were forced back into the real world.

After 48 hours of mindblowing sex, Nicola decided to come clean about Ben. She explained to Pete that she had a boyfriend but it wasn’t serious and he agreed to give her some space to sort out her head and decide what she wanted to do. As soon as Pete left her flat Nic missed him already and that’s when she realised this was more than just a fling- she really had started to fall for him already. With that in mind she made the difficult phone call to the US and broke things of with Ben then rang Pete to tell him what she thought. As it happened Pete was equally besotted with Nic and it wasn’t long before they were a proper couple.

However, one thing always niggled Nicola about Pete. He was always really vague about his life. She didn’t even know his surname! She knew he had children but he rarely talked about them and she’d never met them. Looking back if she’d have pushed the matter more it could have saved a whole load of heartache in the long run. Yes you’ve probably already guessed what happened next….one day when Nic was round at Pete’s flat a surprise visitor called round to see his beloved Dad…that visitor was Ben.

Nicola was obviously mortified and Ben was fuming. But after lots of explaining and a few huge rows all parties agreed it was no ones fault and it was a complete coincidence. Nevertheless Ben never really got over the whole incident and it wasn’t long before trouble started between Nic and Pete and 3 months after that ice cream night they called it a day and split up.

Although Nicola and Pete didn’t know they were sleeping with someone they shouldn’t be sleeping with this still managed to end their relationship before it even got going. Who knows if they would of lived happily ever after if Ben hadn’t gotten in the way but it just goes to show how easily it happens. Ok so the chances of your boyfriend’s Dad being in the same bar as you- and indeed the chances of him looking like George Clooney- are very slim but still it’s worth checking for ID next time you have an encounter with a sexy stranger. You never know who he might be related to

We have major gossip this week….of a celebrity variety…well almost……Remember Jayne? The estate agent who had the sexy run-in with her boss in the lift? Well it seems a lesbian encounter is just what she needed to bring her out of her shell and there’s been no stopping her since!

She’s been keeping us entertained over lunch for weeks now with tales of her antics…..meetings in hotel rooms with ex-lovers, wild sex in public places with new lovers and any spare time filled with dirty cyber chats with internet lovers….the girl is addicted!

Anyway this week’s instalment of the ‘Life of Jayne’ had us all gob smacked! “I think I may of slept with a celebrity,” she announced just as Michelle and I tucked into our ceaser salad.

“What do you mean…you think?” I spluttered, almost choking on a crouton.

“Well OK I’m pretty sure I did. But it was an accident,” she elaborated.

“What did you slip and fall onto his cock?” cried Michelle- being uncharacteristically graphic.

“Well it started when I went to show a client round a house last week,” began Jayne, revealing her story. It turned out Jayne had been asked by her boss to show an important client round a new flat in Shoreditch. The old chruch had been converted to house three £1million state of the art, super fashionable appartments that were all the rage with the trendy young London set. Anyway the appointment was at 3pm and at half past Jayne was still stood in the church doorway sheltering from the rain waiting for the client to show up.

“I hate it when people are late,” she told us, “It’s one of my pet hates! So I was getting madder and madder by the second. Then just as I was about to give up he turned up.” The client in question rolled up 45 minutes late. Just as she suspected he was the typical rich business man- the only people who could afford to buy in Shoreditch these days- he strolled across the car park towards her as casual as he could without a care for the fact that he was late. Jayne was seething. “Look at him in his posh suit- does he think that because he’s got money he can forget how to use manners,” she thought.

As he got closer she could see he was actually quite good looking. He had really dark grey eyes that perfectly complimented the stormy skies above and his rough and messy hung in wet strands over his face. He must have been at least 6ft 3 and Jayne could detect the ripple of a six pack underneath his wet shirt. In fact he was actually quite gorgeous.

“Jayne?” he questioned as he put out his hand to greet her.

“Yes,” she answered as he took her hand in his big manly palm, “You must be Gary.”

After the introduction Jayne led Gary upstairs to view the flat. As they enetered the front door Gary loosened his tie and un-did his top button revealing the outline of a toned chest.

“Sorry I was so late,” he said, “I’ve just come from a funeral.”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” stumbled Jayne, feeling awful for her earlier thoughts. It turned out Gary hadn’t known the person very well anyway so he wasn’t too upset.

“Right, let’s get going,” said Jayne desperate to get on with things as she was struggling to remain professional around this beautiful man. “First to the bedroom,” she said leading the way.

“I love a girl who gets straight to the point,” winked Gary, “How could I refuse an offer like that.” Jayne could feel her face reddening as he looked at her with a cheeky grin. She turned on her heels and continued walking to disguise her embarrassment.

Ten minutes later and they were exploring the kitchen. Gary seemed suitably impressed with the appartment. He was admiring the great view of London from the glass wall in the kitchen. Jayne couldn’t help but check out the perfect bum that was hidden beneath those perfect fitting trousers. She could imagine how the skin would feel between her teeth as she bit into it.

“Are you ok Jayne?” giggled Gary, who had now turned round to find her staring dreamily at his crotch which had now replaced her view of his bottom.

Once again a flustered Jayne diverted his attention away from her embarrassment and headed to the living room. After a hurried description of the open plan living space, antique wooden floors and hide-away entertainment system the tour was over.

“That’s it,” said Jayne turning to look at Gary who stood on the other side of the comfy corner sofa, “Unless there is anything else you would like to see?”

He looked her from head to toe, slowly and delibarately and then stared her straight in the eye: “There’s a lot more I’d like to see,” he said with a grin.

“Ok so this guy was totally cheesy and ridiculously flirty,” she told us, as we fell about laughing at his cringing one-liners, “But there was something about him that I just couldn’t resist.”

Back to the story…..two seconds after perhaps the cheesiest line in the history of flirting and Gary was right up against Jayne’s face and she was powerless to move away. He kissed her mouth so gently and softly she wan’t sure if she had imagined it. Then he said “I wouldn’t mind another look at the bedroom.”

Now Jayne is not stupid and this line was never going to make her jump into bed with a complete stranger- no matter how hot he was. So she used all the willpower she had to turn around and head for the door.

“I’ll leave you to look around on your own for ten minutes,” she said, “I’ll wait in the hallway.” Just as she reached for the door handle Gary came behind her and held it shut with his hand.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “That was a ridiculous line and I’m surprised you didn’t slap me.”

“Well i was close,” replied Jayne.

“Ok I’ll try again,” said Gary, “I think you are the most beautiful, enchanting woman I’ve ever seen and I would very much like to see you again.”

“That’s a little better,” said Jayne.

“So do I get your number then?” asked Gary with a smirk, reaching into his suit jacket for a pen.

“Hmmm I suppose I could screen my calls from now on,” answered Jayne.

“Cheeky! I like it,” smiled Gary handing Jayne the pen. “I’m out of paper so you will have to write it on my hand.”

Gary’s huge manly hand felt suprsingly soft as he placed it in hers for her to write on. Jayne couldn’t help but imagine how it feel for him to touch her body as she began to write the number. She could feel herself getting wet already.

Gary was leaning over Jayne as she wrote. Their bodies were so close that they were almost touching. His eyes looked down at her intently as she wrote carefully on his hand. When she finished she looked up and met his gaze as she handed back the pen.

“Thanks,” whispered Gary without taking his eyes away from hers. Jayne was entranced by the flecks of blue in his grey eyes that she didn’t realise he was leaning in to kiss her until she felt his soft warm lips against hers. It felt so good she couldn’t resist. Gary pressed his body hard against Jayne’s so her back was against the cold metal of the door. Then he ran his hand under her skirt and grabbed the tops of her legs above her stockings and picked her up high against the door.

Jayne wrapped her legs around Gary as he carried her towards the bedroom. He laid her on the soft kingsize bed and continued to look her straight in the eye as he removed her shoes and then slowly rolled down each stocking. Before the full reality hit Jayne, Gary had pulled her thong to one side and his tongue was between her legs and she was heading ever closer to orgasm. Just as she thought she was about to scream in ecstasy Gary thrust his big hard cock deep inside her and began to fuck her slow and hard. Soon after they both came loudly and collapsed exhausted onto the brand new bed.

Five minutes later and reality had dawned on Jayne. If her boss heard about this she would be fired on the spot. She made Gary promise not to tell anyone and apologised for being so unprofessional and got out of there as quick as possible.

“And where does the celebrity come into it then!?” I interrupted impatiently.

“Hold on, I’m getting to that now,” said Jayne, continuing with the story. Three days later and Jayne was off work with a bit of the sniffles( mostly brought on by a night on the wine) and just settling down to watch a bit of Loose Women.

“On today’s show we’ve got the latest Hollyoak’s hunk for all you ladies to drool over,” announced Denise, leader of the day’s panel. Jayne instantly recognised the guy in the photo that was flashed on the screen in front of her. It was Gary! She couldn’t believe her eyes. She thought she must have been delirious from all that wine but ten minutes later there was Gary sandwiched between Coleen Nolan and Jane MacDonald chatting away about his new born baby and pending engagement to a Page 3 stunner.

“What a rat!” I cried, “You should sell your story to the papers!”

“I did debate that,” said Jayne, “But at the end of the day that would be sinking down to his level and I don’t want to do that.”

Not everyone is as respectful as Jayne…..Rob…you know my friend who has a serious problem with commitment…he actively looks for a kiss and tell opportunity. He’s the ultimate celebrity hanger-on so is always blagging himself into all the trendy parties and sleazing over any Z-lister that will give him the time of day. Usually he gets the brush-off straight away- Jodie Marsh’s security actually picked him up and throw him out of a club after one particularly cheesy chat up line he tried on her- it must of been bad if she turned him down!

Anyway one night Rob actually got lucky. One particular young soap star and ex-girlfriend of a premiership footballer was daft enough (more likely drunk enough) to fall for his charms. After a few glasses of cheap champagne and a few too many sickening chat up lines Rob took the lucky lady…who shall remain nameless…back to his flat. Unfortunately sex with a minor celeb was not as Rob had expected.

“She just lay there like a limp lettuce,” he told me the next day, “Seriously i get more life outta my right hand. No wonder Ronaldo gave her the slip! She was an absolute stunner but there’s only so far looks can go when it comes to sex. A bit of movement would of been helpful.”Rob- always the gentleman- then went on to tell me how after 20 mins of ‘pounding away’ he faked an orgasm and ran to the toilet to ‘knock one off’. And I thought only women did that!

Rob decided to console himself after his night of luke warm passion by selling his story to a tabloid. Two weeks later and there’s Rob on page 5 of the Sun telling the world about his soap star flop…….which inccidently saw him banned from his fave celebrity haunts for the next 6 months…..but the three grand her earned for selling his story soon eased that pain.

So it seems that sex with a celebrity is pretty much the same as sex with any other person off the street. We may have this starry eyed view of some fairytale night of passion with a supreme being but in reality celebrites are just as likely to be a big fat disappointment…..in fact sex with a star is much more fun when left as a fantasy!

The typical porn fan is a single, middle aged man who lives at home with his mum and also enjoys collecting comic books and watching Dr Who- right? That’s what I always thought but in fact these days porn is becoming just as popular with young couples and single women and there is no secret passing of videos in brown paper bags. The 21^st century girl is porn proud!

Jackie was one of my best friends at high school. We were always up to no good together- sneaking into clubs at 15 and getting drunk off cheap cider in the park after school- the usual teenage naughtiness. Anyway one Friday night Jackie took it a bit too far and 9 months after a drunken fondle in a bush with a 6^th former she became a mum to twin boys, dropped out of school and gave up drinking.

Now don’t get the wrong impression of Jackie- she’s not one of these council estate mum’s who lives off benefits and leaves her scruffy kids to terrorise the neighbours. No way!After she had the boys she went out and got a full time job and works hard to pay the mortgage on the 3-bed terrace she bought herself.

Anyway Jackie has never been married and is too busy bringing up 9 year old Reese and Ryan to be bothered with a serious relationship. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t fulfill her huge sexual appetite though! In between the odd casual relationship and friendly dates Jackie swears by her huge porn collection.

“It’s the best way to unwind at the end of the day,” she told me, “I put the kids to bed, run a nice hot bath to get myself all relaxed and then i put on a porn dvd and lay on my bed and enjoy a bit of me time.”

I always thought this was a bit odd as the only porn I’d seen seemed far from relaxing. I mean watching some dizzy blonde with huge lipo-injected lips get rammed from all directions by a football team and then see her gag as they all proceed to cum down her throat is hardly chilled out bedtime material. But Jackie pointed me in the direction of some far more civilised titles.

“You wanna have a look at some Anna Span,” said Jacks one night over a bottle of Rose, “She makes films aimed at girls. It’s not all about how many cocks you can fit inside a pretty pre-teen. It’s much more realistic and far more sexy.”

I still wasn’t convinced. I just didn’t see how watching someone else getting off can be fun. I’d much rather be having sex myself and if I’m being honest I still thought there was something quite seedy about the whole porn thing. Anyway after much protest I left Jackie’s flat with a selected pile of Jackie must-see titles which I swore I would give a go. When I got home I put them under my bed and was determined to just leave them there and give them back to her next time I saw her- lying to her how fabulous they were.

A few nights later and Paul, the guy I was seeing at the time, came over to mine for a cosy night in with a nice bottle of wine and a takeaway. We’d been seeing eachother for a couple of months and things were going great. We were at the lovely stage where you begin to feel comfortable around eachother and all you want to do is hide away from the world and snuggle up together- and have loads of sex, naturally! There was nothing on the TV so while I poured us some more wine I sent Paul upstairs to pick out a DVD.

“There all in the drawer under the bed.” I shouted up as he ran up the stairs. Thirty seconds later I heard a giggle from my bedroom and I realised what he’d found. Shit! Now he was going to think I’m some kind of sex addict.

“I think we should watch this,” he said when he joined me in the kitchen and produced a copy of ‘Firm Loving’ from behind his back.

“Ha ha very funny Paul,” I said, going red with shame.

“Don’t be shy babe. I think it’s well hot. “ he said as put his hand in my hair, pulled my face towards him and kissed me hard on the mouth. The kiss left me speechless and powerless to resist as Paul took me by the hand and led me into the living room.

“Don’t look so scared hunni.” he said, “ I just want know what gets you off so I can please you as best as can.”he said (quite sickening looking back!) Part of me wanted to tell him that they weren’t my DVDs and that I hadn’t even watched them but seeing his reaction the idea of me watching porn made me curious to see how this was going to pan out.

Paul put his arm around me as we sat back on the sofa in front of the TV. I felt butterflies fluttering inside me as the film opened with a rather hot looking woman police officer stopping a speeding car. I’d never seen a police woman in a pvc mini skirt and shirt that tight before but i let it slide. Two minutes later and the policewoman was in the car and the hot suit guy she had pulled was being breathalysed- it all seemed very tame. Then as she removed the breathalyser machine from his mouth she slid it down between her legs and then back into his mouth and asked him to repeat the test. I giggled nervously at the cheesiness of it all but really it was already turning me on.

“This is ridiculous,” I said to Paul, but my quickness of breath and hardening nipples gave me away. I turned to the TV again with my back leaning against Paul’s chest so he couldn’t see my reddening face. The policewoman now had her feet on the dashboard and was having a jolly good time with the breathalyser tube. I felt Paul’s hand slide round my neck and reach inside my dress to play with my hard nipples. Soon his hand was moving down and without saying a word his fingers slid inside my knickers.

He gently stroked my clit as I continued to pretend I wasn’t finding the porn remotely interesting. I carried on with this act for five more minutes as I got wetter and wetter until just as the suit guy lifted the police woman onto his car bonnet and began to fuck her and I had to give in. After frantic kissing and undressing Paul and I had our hottest sex yet right there on the carpet while the film played on in the background. It was amazing!

From then on I’ve been a great believer in the power of porn and have even invested in a couple of sexy titles myself. I am yet to see the enjoyment in the hardcore gang bang, cum flying everywhere, bondage style films but whatever floats your boat. A little bit of soft core porn is great for spicing up everyday sex and definitely inspires some fantastic foreplay- and hey if you get inspired enough then you can always make your own home movies- but that’s a whole other story.