Sex Etc

We have major gossip this week….of a celebrity variety…well almost……Remember Jayne? The estate agent who had the sexy run-in with her boss in the lift? Well it seems a lesbian encounter is just what she needed to bring her out of her shell and there’s been no stopping her since!

She’s been keeping us entertained over lunch for weeks now with tales of her antics…..meetings in hotel rooms with ex-lovers, wild sex in public places with new lovers and any spare time filled with dirty cyber chats with internet lovers….the girl is addicted!

Anyway this week’s instalment of the ‘Life of Jayne’ had us all gob smacked! “I think I may of slept with a celebrity,” she announced just as Michelle and I tucked into our ceaser salad.

“What do you mean…you think?” I spluttered, almost choking on a crouton.

“Well OK I’m pretty sure I did. But it was an accident,” she elaborated.

“What did you slip and fall onto his cock?” cried Michelle- being uncharacteristically graphic.

“Well it started when I went to show a client round a house last week,” began Jayne, revealing her story. It turned out Jayne had been asked by her boss to show an important client round a new flat in Shoreditch. The old chruch had been converted to house three £1million state of the art, super fashionable appartments that were all the rage with the trendy young London set. Anyway the appointment was at 3pm and at half past Jayne was still stood in the church doorway sheltering from the rain waiting for the client to show up.

“I hate it when people are late,” she told us, “It’s one of my pet hates! So I was getting madder and madder by the second. Then just as I was about to give up he turned up.” The client in question rolled up 45 minutes late. Just as she suspected he was the typical rich business man- the only people who could afford to buy in Shoreditch these days- he strolled across the car park towards her as casual as he could without a care for the fact that he was late. Jayne was seething. “Look at him in his posh suit- does he think that because he’s got money he can forget how to use manners,” she thought.

As he got closer she could see he was actually quite good looking. He had really dark grey eyes that perfectly complimented the stormy skies above and his rough and messy hung in wet strands over his face. He must have been at least 6ft 3 and Jayne could detect the ripple of a six pack underneath his wet shirt. In fact he was actually quite gorgeous.

“Jayne?” he questioned as he put out his hand to greet her.

“Yes,” she answered as he took her hand in his big manly palm, “You must be Gary.”

After the introduction Jayne led Gary upstairs to view the flat. As they enetered the front door Gary loosened his tie and un-did his top button revealing the outline of a toned chest.

“Sorry I was so late,” he said, “I’ve just come from a funeral.”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” stumbled Jayne, feeling awful for her earlier thoughts. It turned out Gary hadn’t known the person very well anyway so he wasn’t too upset.

“Right, let’s get going,” said Jayne desperate to get on with things as she was struggling to remain professional around this beautiful man. “First to the bedroom,” she said leading the way.

“I love a girl who gets straight to the point,” winked Gary, “How could I refuse an offer like that.” Jayne could feel her face reddening as he looked at her with a cheeky grin. She turned on her heels and continued walking to disguise her embarrassment.

Ten minutes later and they were exploring the kitchen. Gary seemed suitably impressed with the appartment. He was admiring the great view of London from the glass wall in the kitchen. Jayne couldn’t help but check out the perfect bum that was hidden beneath those perfect fitting trousers. She could imagine how the skin would feel between her teeth as she bit into it.

“Are you ok Jayne?” giggled Gary, who had now turned round to find her staring dreamily at his crotch which had now replaced her view of his bottom.

Once again a flustered Jayne diverted his attention away from her embarrassment and headed to the living room. After a hurried description of the open plan living space, antique wooden floors and hide-away entertainment system the tour was over.

“That’s it,” said Jayne turning to look at Gary who stood on the other side of the comfy corner sofa, “Unless there is anything else you would like to see?”

He looked her from head to toe, slowly and delibarately and then stared her straight in the eye: “There’s a lot more I’d like to see,” he said with a grin.

“Ok so this guy was totally cheesy and ridiculously flirty,” she told us, as we fell about laughing at his cringing one-liners, “But there was something about him that I just couldn’t resist.”

Back to the story…..two seconds after perhaps the cheesiest line in the history of flirting and Gary was right up against Jayne’s face and she was powerless to move away. He kissed her mouth so gently and softly she wan’t sure if she had imagined it. Then he said “I wouldn’t mind another look at the bedroom.”

Now Jayne is not stupid and this line was never going to make her jump into bed with a complete stranger- no matter how hot he was. So she used all the willpower she had to turn around and head for the door.

“I’ll leave you to look around on your own for ten minutes,” she said, “I’ll wait in the hallway.” Just as she reached for the door handle Gary came behind her and held it shut with his hand.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “That was a ridiculous line and I’m surprised you didn’t slap me.”

“Well i was close,” replied Jayne.

“Ok I’ll try again,” said Gary, “I think you are the most beautiful, enchanting woman I’ve ever seen and I would very much like to see you again.”

“That’s a little better,” said Jayne.

“So do I get your number then?” asked Gary with a smirk, reaching into his suit jacket for a pen.

“Hmmm I suppose I could screen my calls from now on,” answered Jayne.

“Cheeky! I like it,” smiled Gary handing Jayne the pen. “I’m out of paper so you will have to write it on my hand.”

Gary’s huge manly hand felt suprsingly soft as he placed it in hers for her to write on. Jayne couldn’t help but imagine how it feel for him to touch her body as she began to write the number. She could feel herself getting wet already.

Gary was leaning over Jayne as she wrote. Their bodies were so close that they were almost touching. His eyes looked down at her intently as she wrote carefully on his hand. When she finished she looked up and met his gaze as she handed back the pen.

“Thanks,” whispered Gary without taking his eyes away from hers. Jayne was entranced by the flecks of blue in his grey eyes that she didn’t realise he was leaning in to kiss her until she felt his soft warm lips against hers. It felt so good she couldn’t resist. Gary pressed his body hard against Jayne’s so her back was against the cold metal of the door. Then he ran his hand under her skirt and grabbed the tops of her legs above her stockings and picked her up high against the door.

Jayne wrapped her legs around Gary as he carried her towards the bedroom. He laid her on the soft kingsize bed and continued to look her straight in the eye as he removed her shoes and then slowly rolled down each stocking. Before the full reality hit Jayne, Gary had pulled her thong to one side and his tongue was between her legs and she was heading ever closer to orgasm. Just as she thought she was about to scream in ecstasy Gary thrust his big hard cock deep inside her and began to fuck her slow and hard. Soon after they both came loudly and collapsed exhausted onto the brand new bed.

Five minutes later and reality had dawned on Jayne. If her boss heard about this she would be fired on the spot. She made Gary promise not to tell anyone and apologised for being so unprofessional and got out of there as quick as possible.

“And where does the celebrity come into it then!?” I interrupted impatiently.

“Hold on, I’m getting to that now,” said Jayne, continuing with the story. Three days later and Jayne was off work with a bit of the sniffles( mostly brought on by a night on the wine) and just settling down to watch a bit of Loose Women.

“On today’s show we’ve got the latest Hollyoak’s hunk for all you ladies to drool over,” announced Denise, leader of the day’s panel. Jayne instantly recognised the guy in the photo that was flashed on the screen in front of her. It was Gary! She couldn’t believe her eyes. She thought she must have been delirious from all that wine but ten minutes later there was Gary sandwiched between Coleen Nolan and Jane MacDonald chatting away about his new born baby and pending engagement to a Page 3 stunner.

“What a rat!” I cried, “You should sell your story to the papers!”

“I did debate that,” said Jayne, “But at the end of the day that would be sinking down to his level and I don’t want to do that.”

Not everyone is as respectful as Jayne…..Rob…you know my friend who has a serious problem with commitment…he actively looks for a kiss and tell opportunity. He’s the ultimate celebrity hanger-on so is always blagging himself into all the trendy parties and sleazing over any Z-lister that will give him the time of day. Usually he gets the brush-off straight away- Jodie Marsh’s security actually picked him up and throw him out of a club after one particularly cheesy chat up line he tried on her- it must of been bad if she turned him down!

Anyway one night Rob actually got lucky. One particular young soap star and ex-girlfriend of a premiership footballer was daft enough (more likely drunk enough) to fall for his charms. After a few glasses of cheap champagne and a few too many sickening chat up lines Rob took the lucky lady…who shall remain nameless…back to his flat. Unfortunately sex with a minor celeb was not as Rob had expected.

“She just lay there like a limp lettuce,” he told me the next day, “Seriously i get more life outta my right hand. No wonder Ronaldo gave her the slip! She was an absolute stunner but there’s only so far looks can go when it comes to sex. A bit of movement would of been helpful.”Rob- always the gentleman- then went on to tell me how after 20 mins of ‘pounding away’ he faked an orgasm and ran to the toilet to ‘knock one off’. And I thought only women did that!

Rob decided to console himself after his night of luke warm passion by selling his story to a tabloid. Two weeks later and there’s Rob on page 5 of the Sun telling the world about his soap star flop…….which inccidently saw him banned from his fave celebrity haunts for the next 6 months…..but the three grand her earned for selling his story soon eased that pain.

So it seems that sex with a celebrity is pretty much the same as sex with any other person off the street. We may have this starry eyed view of some fairytale night of passion with a supreme being but in reality celebrites are just as likely to be a big fat disappointment…..in fact sex with a star is much more fun when left as a fantasy!