Sex Etc

Hollywood always makes sex look amazing. It’s all candlelight, slushy music, writhing sweaty bodies and moan of pleasure but in reality things can be a lot different.

Take my ex boyfriend Harry for example. We met at the gym and after a few months of me trying my hardest to look attractive while almost passing out after just 10 minutes on the treadmill he finally asked me on a date. Harry was a typical gym-lover. He was 6ft 2, nicely tanned, with plenty of bulging muscles!

You see muscles aren’t usually my thing. I much prefer my men a bit rough around the edges-however I’m thinking more Andrew Flintoff than Rick Waller. Anyway the idea of Harry’s bulging biceps wrapping around me and the thought of holding onto those huge strong shoulders was far too much to resist and my usual taste went out of the window.

Three dates later and me and Harry had barely passed first base and it was driving me nuts. Don’t get me wrong I’m not one of those girl’s who dishes it out after one coffee date- it takes more than a skinny latte and a muffin to get into my knickers- but I just couldn’t help but lust after Harry. I don’t know if it was his rippling muscles showing through his shirt or his cheeky little grin but something told me that sex with him was going to be nothing short of mind blowing.

Anyway a week into our new ‘friendship’ and things finally started to heat up. We’d just enjoyed a nice romantic meal before meeting up with some of his friends at a swanky club where we both got a little tipsy and had a right good giggle. He’d invited me back to his apartment and we were soon in the middle of a rather steamy snogging session on his couch.

I felt a rush of excitement as finally he made a move and ran his hand up my leg and under my dress. His hands were big and his grip strong as he grabbed hold of my waist and pulled me on top of him .Before long he was hard and pushing inside me. I’d fantasised about this moment for weeks while sweating it out on the treadmill so to finally be experiencing the real thing felt amazing. He gripped my bum hard while he bounced me up and down on his cock and kissed my neck. I could feel the waves of pleasure starting to build inside me already and then it happened……I heard the all too familiar groans of pleasure as Harry gripped me harder and then loosened his grip and lay back on the couch….he had come already! 30 seconds has to be a record!

As I left Harry’s flat the next day I had talked myself into taking the previous night’s disappointment as a one off. First time sex is always a bit of a let down. We’d been quite drunk and perhaps I had hyped it all up a bit much. Next time we’ll take it slower and everything will be fine…..I was wrong!

A week, and 8 more sessions, later…yes I was counting!…. and things were no better. I’d tried every trick in the book to slow things down. Massage, a slow seductive strip, those condoms with mild anaesthetic in and I’d even brought a cock ring into the equation- which I must add was discarded after a few minutes because it was ‘too restricting’ for him. Anyway I was starting to get seriously frustrated and I knew the best way to deal with this is by being honest.

“You need to just tell him straight,” said my work mate Amy one day, “Honesty is the best policy. If he doesn’t know he isn’t pleasuring you then how can he change that.”She made a very good point so the next night I decided to have a word with Hasty Harry.

After I cooked him an exotic meal of microwave lasagne and chips we retired to the living room to watch some tele. It wasn’t long before we started kissing and I could sense Harry was in the mood for some loving.

“Harry, “ I said as he started unbuttoning my dress, “Do you mind if we take it slow tonight?”

“Why?, “ he replied as he continued what he was doing. This threw me completely.

“Errm just because I enjoy it more when we take our time,” I continued, trying to be as sensitive as possible.

“Well I like it hard and fast, “ Harry replied, “It just doesn’t feel good if we go too slow.”

I was amazed that he was dismissing my requests without a thought.

“Well I’d like us to give it a try,” I tried again, “It is quite important that I enjoy it too.”

That’s when Harry really flipped…..

“Well if you saying you don’t enjoy sex with me then you know what you can do,” he shouted as he brushed me aside and stood up. I was gobsmacked by his reaction. “I don’t have to take this shit from you. You think you’re all that but your not even a good shag yourself. Your just some slag I picked up at the gym” he ranted.

I couldn’t believe how he had turned just because he thought I was questioning his bedroom skills. He’d gone from this nice caring, sexy, gym god to an angry, ranting idiot. Obviously I didn’t give him chance to hang about and insult me further and before you could say ‘premature ejaculation’ he was out of the door.

Now don’t get me wrong- I’m not totally heartless and I do understand that premature ejaculation can affect a lot of men at some point in their lives and I know it isn’t their fault but it was Harry’s unwillingness to acknowledge it and consider the effect it was having on my sexual enjoyment that really annoyed me.

I was prepared to work through the problem together and help him to get over it but instead he just wanted to shout at me and insult me.

So honesty didn’t work this time- but what’s the alternative- a life of not enjoying sex??

This was almost the case for my friend Sarah. She was totally head over heels in love with her childhood sweetheart Mike. They had been together since high school and really were the perfect couple. They shared the same music tastes, same friends, same sense of humour and even finished each others sentences….quite sickening really!

Anyway they had been together for about ten years when Sarah revealed a shocking secret to us during one girly DVD night at my house.

“I’ve never had an orgasm,” she confessed.

“What do you mean?” I asked in shock, “You and Mike have been having sex since you were about 15.”

“Yes, but I’ve never ever come..well at least I don’t think I have,” she said.

“Trust me you know when you have hunny,” piped up our friend Jayne.

“It’s not like I don’t enjoy it,” explained Sarah, “But I just never seem to get to that ultimate moment so I always end up just faking it because I think Mike must be getting bored of waiting”

After much more explanation and some rather comical demonstrations of the best positions from myself and Jayne, Sarah was determined she was going to have an orgasm whether Mike liked it or not. So she decided the best thing to do was sit him down and let him in on her secret. Yes he was a little surprised at first and a tad hurt that she hadn’t mentioned this before. He’d gone through years thinking he was a love god with a totally satisfied girlfriend and suddenly he felt like he’d let her down.

But after a long heart to heart and lots of cuddles and reassurance they were ready to get down to some serious orgasm making. Fast forward 2 weeks and Sarah’s had more orgasms than she could have imagined and they are both totally happy and even more in love with each other.

Great sex is all about trust and you can’t have trust without honestly. It all sounds very sensible and moralistic but if there is something bothering you about your partner or their sexual technique honesty really is the best policy. Nine times out of ten you both want the other person to enjoy sex so you really want to know if they are not. And if you do encounter a completely irrational, paranoid, doughnut like Harry then you honestly are much better off without him.

Meeting someone’s parents or letting them meet yours is one of the biggest steps in the early stages of a relationship and I don’t know one person who enjoys it. But just why is it so scary?

It was after a conversation I had the other day that I started to wonder what the big deal is. My little sister Stacey was inviting her boyfriend round to meet my dad for the first time and she’d called me to an emergency lunch/ meeting to give her some advice.

My dad isn’t exactly Hitler but I wouldn’t say he is the softest of father’s either. He did chase one of my first boyfriends down the drive with a chain saw- but that was just unfortunate that he happened to be cutting the hedge when the poor sod attempted to knock on the door. It didn’t half give him a fright though. I was only 14 at the time and this guy was a few years older, drove a rather noisy car and happened to supply my older brother with cannabis so looking back I can see why he didn’t like me hanging around with him. However since those days he has calmed down and has learnt to accept that his precious little princesses do have boyfriends- although he’s yet to believe we have sex but we’re working on that!

Stacey is twenty and she’s just about to start her last year studying Law at Oxford Uni- yes she was the bright one of the family! Anyway she’s been seeing her boyfriend Nev for nearly a year but being away at uni meant she could hide him away from Dad- until now. But Nev is not like your typical student, lager lout lad. He’s from a very well to do family- Nev is short for Neville- he studies hard and absolutely adores Stacey. So where most guys of his age would be desperate to avoid meeting the parents Nev is actually really keen and has been bugging Stacey to take him home with her for months. I have no doubt that my Dad will approve of barrister-in-the-making Nev but Stacey is worried how Nev will cope with meeting Dad.

“You know what Dad’s like!” she moaned to me over lunch, “He thinks it’s funny to embarrass people and he’s going to have a field day with Nev.”

It was true. My Dad is a wind up merchant and will probably have poor Nev on the verge of tears within minutes but he only means it in jest and would hate to really upset someone. Things could be a lot worse and Stacy should think herself lucky.

My friend Joanna has got to be in the running for the prize of ‘worse parents to meet’. She comes from a very ‘proper’ Christian family who live in a small village in the Cheshire countryside, go to church every Sunday before coming home to a family dinner after which they sit round the table playng Trivial Pursuit all afternoon. Sounds very idyllic and traditional but in reality it drove Jo crazy!

So as soon as she hit 18 she moved away to uni in London, learnt to fend for herself, found a love of drinking and clubbing and has never looked back. When it comes to visiting the family back home Jo bravely gets out the wooly jumper her mum sent down for her birthday, leaves behind her killer heels and heads to Cheshire where everyone is clueless about her crazy city lifestyle.

One of the main problems Joanna has with her family’s strict morals is their strong opposition to sex outside of marriage. Having had two serious relationships and numerous flings during her time at uni Jo has well and truly thrown that family tradition out of the window- but still when she goes home she feels like she has to act like the Virgin Mary and pretend to her parents that she has no interest in boys whatsoever.

Last year when it was time for the obligatory Easter visit up North Jo was feeling sick at the thought of spending a week away from the London life she loved so much and also away from her latest love, Marc, who she had met just 5 weeks before but whom she had barely been apart from since.

“I really don’t want to go,” she moaned to Marc on a lazy Sunday morning in bed two days before she was due to leave. “It’s hell at the best of times but I’m really dreading it this time. I’m going to miss you so much.”

“Then why don’t you let me come with you?” suggested Marc.

“You’d hate it. I would never subject you to that,” replied Jo.

“Seriously I would like to be there for you. How bad can it be?” he said.

“Really bad!” laughed Jo.

Anyway after a bit of persuading Marc managed to get Jo to call her mum and arrange for him to come along under the disguise of a friend off her course who had nowhere to go for Easter. Jo didn’t want her parents to know he was her boyfriend because there would mean a whole load of pressure put on him to propose and make her honest woman and it was way too early for that!

Four days later and they were stuck in the middle of the Cheshire countryside pining for the traffic and fumes of the city. The country air was giving Jo a headache and the Trivial Pursuit was driving her crazy. Marc was being polite and pretending he was having a good time, remembering his p’s and q’s and even helping with the washing up but Jo could tell he was as fed up as she was. What’s more they were sleeping at different ends of the house with Jo’s parents room in between them so there wasn’t even a chance of any sex to fill the boredom- they were both so horny they couldn’t even look at eachother without getting turned on.

It was just after dinner and the family were settling down around the real log fire in the living room to watch the Antiques Roadshow.

“That fire is going to die in a minute,” said Jo’s mum. “We need more logs.”

“I’ll go,” said Jo, desperate to escape for five minutes.

She stood up and headed out to the back yard to raid the metal wood store for some more logs. She’d only been there two minutes when she felt familiar hands creeping round her waist.

“Thought you might need a hand,” whispered Marc, before spinning her round and kissing her hard on the lips.

“I’ve been wanting to do that all day,” he said as he pulled away and squeezed her tight in his arms, protecting her from the cold chill that was whipping across the surrounding fields. His arms felt so strong around her and Jo could feel herself getting wet at the thought of his muscley shoulders that lay beneath the soft fleece he was wearing.

“I want you so bad,” she told him, “This is killing me. I hate pretending to be little miss sweet and innocent when all I want is for you to give me a good hard fuck.”

Marc laughed at her frustration. “I find it quite a turn on actually. I’ve always been a sucker for that prissy virgin fantasy,” he laughed.

Then he pulled her close and kissed her hard again. That was it. Jo had had enough. Before Marc had time to object she pulled at his jeans and unzipped them to release his hard throbbing cock. He lifted up the long floral skirt she was wearing and slipped his fingers inside her and felt how wet she was already. Without wasting any more time Marc picked Jo up and sat her down on top of the wood store. Pulling her lacy french knickers to one side he pushed hard inside her. Jo moaned, she had wanted to feel him inside her for so long. Marc reached round and grabbed Jo’s bum cheeks as he lifted her further onto his cock and rocked her back and to until they were frantically fucking against the cold metal of the wood store. It wasn’t long before they both came, Jo biting into Marc’s fleece to conceal her moans of pleasure from any eager ears inside the house. Then they quickly straightened themselves up, gathered a few logs and ran back into the house hoping no one would notice they had been gone longer than expected.

When they arrived back in the living room Jo’s Dad was sitting alone in front of the TV. “Where’s Mum?” asked Jo, trying to cover up the fact she was a little out of breath.

“She’s just nipped upstairs. She thought she heard a noise on the driveway so she’s gone to check the foxes haven’t got to the bins again,” Dad explained.

“Oh right,” said Jo, before she realised you could barely see the driveway from the upstairs window.

“Did I tell you we’ve been having problems with foxes?” asked Dad,”They are a bleeding nuisance. Getting in the bins and making a mess. I’ve had to install one of those CCTV systems around the whole of the outside of the house,” he continued.

It was a few seconds before the reality of what her father had just said dawned on Jo but by the time she looked over at Marc she could tell by the paleness of his face that he had also realised what her mother might have just witnessed.

Jo’s mum never actually confronted her about what she and Marc got up to on the wood store but from the way she went to bed early with migraine and the way she slammed the eggs down on the table the next day Jo knew that her mother was pretty sure her precious daughter was no longer a virgin.

After my sister Stacey had heard this story I could see her making a mental note not to have sex whilst Nev was visiting next week but in reality most parents know their grown up offspring are enjoying sex. In fact they should be proud that we are a generation of young people who aren’t afraid of sex and know how to enjoy our bodies without feeling shame- except for when it comes to getting caught in the act by our mum’s that is.

Although Marc didn’t go back and visit Jo’s family for a while the two of them are actually married now. They run a successful events organising business, live happily together in a nice new house and are expecting their first child in a few months. Jo’s mum still hasn’t mentioned what she did or didn’t see that night but even to this day Marc and Jo refrain from any sort of sexual contact while any parents are within a 1 mile radius- just to be safe!

The whole meeting the parents scenario can be a little bit daunting and with all kinds of horror stories flying around it can seem like a disaster waiting to happen. However it needn’t be so bad. As long as you remember one simple word- respect. Our parents might seem like an embarrassment and your boyfriend’s mum may seem like an ogre but let’s not forget we came from them. They brought us up and helped shaped us into the people we are. Their house rules might seem too strict to you and the family traditions they have could seem outdated and embarrassing but would it really hurt to respect them for just a few days?

If someone loves you enough to want to take that brave step of getting acquainted with the folks then you should feel proud. In most cases parents are actually glad when their son or daughter’s new lover wants to come and introduce themselves. If we turn the tables parents are probably just a nervous and keen to make a good impression too.

My advice to Stacey was just relax, be yourself and trust that Dad and Nev, as the men who care most about her in the whole world, will do her proud and make every effort to get along.

Sex is great! There’s no denying it. It not only feels amazing with the right person but it also helps burn a few calories in the meantime. We would all benefit from getting a little more of it. However it’s not always as straight forward as boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl get it on. There are sometimes in our lives when we have to really think about the implications a good sex life can have…..especially if it’s with someone we really shouldn’t be sleeping with!

One of the ultimate no-go areas has to be any close relation to a lover or former lover. Sleeping with your boyfriend’s brother or your girlfriend’s Dad is definitely a recipe for disaster- my friend Nicola found that out the hard way.

Nic is a trainee financial advisor- sounds very professional but really she’s only earning just above minimum wage and spends most of her time making coffee for rich bank managers and the likes. The one upside of the job is the amount of after work drinking sessions that come with working in the city. Nicola is always raving about how these little evening get togethers are perfect for networking and give her a great chance to get her face around among all the big players- but we all know the dirty old bankers just love to stare at her ample breasts.

Anyway it was during one of these after work ‘networking’ sessions that Nicola bumped into Pete. It was after one particular heavy evening of drinking and talking about money when Nic went to order a round for the noisy table of colleagues she was with. While she waited for her drinks she noticed Pete sat at the end of the bar on his own. He was dressed in a smart suit with his top button undone and his tie loose around his neck. He had a kind of George Clooney older man rugged-ness about him with his slightly grey stubble and defined but weathered looking features. He was obviously a bit older than Nicola but as he looked in her direction she could see his gorgeous blue eyes still sparkled with youth and their wasn’t a hint on man boob on the well toned body.

As the night went on and her work mates went home one by one Nicola noticed that the handsome older man was still sat at the bar flicking his way through a pile of important looking papers. She was mesmerised by him. There was just something about his air of confidence that drew her to keep staring at him and he seemed to be equally interested as she kept catching him looking her way too.

However Nicola did have a boyfriend at the time. His name was Ben and he was a fellow finance worker. She’d only been seeing him for a couple of months when his company decided to ship him off to America for 6 months so things were still pretty casual for the time being. Nic hadn’t had sex for 4 months and she was really suffering so when the sexy older guy eventually made a move she just couldn’t resist.

She was at the bar buying another round of drinks when he asked if he could steal her away from her friends for a few minutes to share a bottle of champagne. Nicola was a bit hesitant at first but seeing as her friends were fast abandoning her and the thought of going back to an empty flat loomed she decided to take him up on the offer. An hour later and the two of them were still sat at the end of the bar roaring with laughter as Pete told Nic his favourite joke of all time:

“Why does a squirrel swim on his back?” he asked proudly.

“Go on why?” said Nic

“To keep his nuts dry of course!”

“O my god,” she laughed, “That is possibly the worst joke I’ve ever heard.”

“Made you laugh though didn’t it,” giggled Pete.

“Yes I guess so,” Nicola laughed even more.

“Listen I’ve had a really nice night chatting to you,” said Pete getting up from his stool, “But I think it’s time I headed back home.”

Nicola was shocked and, if she was honest, a bit gutted by Pete’s sudden decision, She’d had a great laugh with him and he seemed like a really nice guy- plus she was finding him more and more attractive. She decided had two choices. She could let him walk out of that door and probably never see him again or she could do something she had never done before and make a bold move.

“Do you fancy grabbing some Chinese and heading back to mine?” suggested Nic nervously.

“Why not,” replied Pete with a smile, “I’m starving.”

Back at Nicola’s rented Docklands apartment she and Pete relaxed on the sofa and polished off another bottle of wine and a chicken chow mien. Things were going great. Pete was so easy to talk to. She felt so relaxed around him- which was strange considering they’d only met hours before.

“Fancy some ice cream?” said Nic gathering up the used takeaway cartons.

“Yeah sure. I’ll try and squeeze some in,” smiled Pete. Nicola went out to the kitchen and came back with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and two spoons.

“I can’t find any clean bowls so we’ll just be common,” she laughed, digging into the tub and offering it to Pete.

“This is good,” he said tucking into a mouth full of Cookie Dough. Nic went in for some more.

“Mmmm yeah it is,” she agreed as she enjoyed another mouthful. Pete spotted she had managed to get ice cream on her chin.

“Come here you mucky pup,” he said reaching his hand to wipe it away. His big manly fingers made her skin tingle as he gently touched her face and Nicola wasn’t sure how much longer she could resist this sexy man.

Pete obviously sensed the attraction as they locked eyes. She wanted him to kiss her so badly. However, instead he raised a spoon of ice cream to her lips and she opened her mouth as he slowly slipped it inside. Then while it was still melting on her tongue he leaned in and kissed her softly on the mouth, slipping his tongue gently inside so the ice cream flooded between their lips. The kiss was amazing and Nicola could feel a stirring inside her as Pete filled the spoon with more ice cream. This time he moved the spoon away from her mouth and let the ice cream drop onto her neck before holding the back of her head as he gently and slowly licked it off.

Nicola moaned with pleasure as Pete dropped more ice cream onto her and slowly licked and kissed his way down her neck and along her collar bone towards her chest- unbuttoning her silk blouse as he went. She lay back on the leather sofa as he trickled the melting ice cream onto her exposed nipples and down her body to her belly button. Nicola thought she would explode with desire as he licked it all up while kissing her all over.

She couldn’t hold it in any longer so Nicola jumped up and pushed Pete down onto the sofa. Still covered in sticky ice cream she knelt between his legs and unzipped his trousers to release his hard cock. She grabbed the ice cream tub and dripped the contents down onto it before slowly licking him right up to the tip. Then she wrapped her lips around him began sucking hard and fast. The pace soon picked up and before long Nicola was straddling Pete on the sofa and bouncing her way to an amazing orgasm- that was the first of many that night. In fact they both took the next two days off work to enjoy as much time together as possible before they were forced back into the real world.

After 48 hours of mindblowing sex, Nicola decided to come clean about Ben. She explained to Pete that she had a boyfriend but it wasn’t serious and he agreed to give her some space to sort out her head and decide what she wanted to do. As soon as Pete left her flat Nic missed him already and that’s when she realised this was more than just a fling- she really had started to fall for him already. With that in mind she made the difficult phone call to the US and broke things of with Ben then rang Pete to tell him what she thought. As it happened Pete was equally besotted with Nic and it wasn’t long before they were a proper couple.

However, one thing always niggled Nicola about Pete. He was always really vague about his life. She didn’t even know his surname! She knew he had children but he rarely talked about them and she’d never met them. Looking back if she’d have pushed the matter more it could have saved a whole load of heartache in the long run. Yes you’ve probably already guessed what happened next….one day when Nic was round at Pete’s flat a surprise visitor called round to see his beloved Dad…that visitor was Ben.

Nicola was obviously mortified and Ben was fuming. But after lots of explaining and a few huge rows all parties agreed it was no ones fault and it was a complete coincidence. Nevertheless Ben never really got over the whole incident and it wasn’t long before trouble started between Nic and Pete and 3 months after that ice cream night they called it a day and split up.

Although Nicola and Pete didn’t know they were sleeping with someone they shouldn’t be sleeping with this still managed to end their relationship before it even got going. Who knows if they would of lived happily ever after if Ben hadn’t gotten in the way but it just goes to show how easily it happens. Ok so the chances of your boyfriend’s Dad being in the same bar as you- and indeed the chances of him looking like George Clooney- are very slim but still it’s worth checking for ID next time you have an encounter with a sexy stranger. You never know who he might be related to